this is all so very tiring.
I´m trying to battle depression and frustration as probably all of you are, to stay safe and sane, and not to fall back too far behind the bandwagon. So after five days of trying to turn around so far I could kick my own ass I finally did a first live stream. It´s quite terrible, and only the first of many I hope.... or fear... I´ll try and wrap my mind around playing a show without any kind of response from an audience.
I realize only now HOW MUCH I depend on that. On the breath in the room. On the sighs, the laughter, the time you need before you start clapping. This is, I think, my truest talent. To spin my performance around your reactions. And I LOVE that.
It´s horrible to not be able to. And it´s horrible to listen back and hear all the silly mistakes. And still, it´s a lot better than nothing.
And even nothing would be better than being in hospital with that plague, or worse, with something ELSE right now.
Or being plagued and NOT in the hospital. In a refugee camp, for example. or in a country that has a much too small health system.
I don´t even know what makes me more depressive. My own frustration, or the compassion for all those people, and the horrible thought that I don´t even know ten percent of the horrible places and situations. The pressure of having to do SOMETHING for the Steamball so I don´t have to refund the grant, or seeing my artist friends desperately begging for every single cent someone could give. The fear for my friends and family, including you, or the fear of what will come from this. Not a better world, that´d be too easy, and those hoomans are stoopid. Maybe more crisises. Maybe war. Maybe just business as usual, but who needs live shows when we all do free streaming now? And why open a border again if we fared well when it was closed?
Freedom and art both are things that we must fight for, because they don´t just happen. They´re in constant danger.
Thank you for fighting this neverending battle with me.
PS: There will be some more live streams, and I already uploaded the two last shows we played and streamed on facebook, if you didn´t see them they´re both scheduled for next week on youtube (not visible until then): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orTkBkiBIjw and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoDAMghYMi4 Do me a favour and subscribe if you haven´t done so already; I need 1000 subscribers to be able to stream live on mobile devices...