I believe that every body is having the same interior emotional struggle with the basics of depression. Am I a loser? Am I a failure? Am I unattractive to the sex I prefer? I am making these head questions sound way more Disney than the way they are presented to you by your own brain during crisis times.
2:44 AM Thursday morning…. Wednesday night!
I am awakened for the uncountable night in a row. Two weeks consecutively maybe, where sleep is denied to me by my own brains slow digestion of social interactions and visions of mine own "true" social standing beyond an entire world of denial I've created. Apparently. Being that my line of work is currently the direct care of diagnosed socio psychotics who take medications hourly for mental behavior, I am in a position that I've thought heavily of in the past. I had heard from a most reliable source… Hollywood cinema, that every psychologist has sessions with a psychologist. Meaning the most clinically decorated mental organizer has to have help organizing their own mental mess. In a flash thought, I say that perhaps the sessions are more a mental audit by your hiring body to access whether you have tidied your mental room and there is nothing glaringly unbalanced and unkempt to fire you for? But from the initial outside view point I have stumbled for years upon the notion that listening to others insanities for an amount of time would fray my mental strings of stability piece by piece.
We absorb mental sickness like dry sponges. But mental healing and safe mental structure have to be willingly practiced and tested daily. With enemies being lazy slacking of practice and egotistic slacking for false self proclaimed " being better now." The sad truth of insanity is that it has no true definition other than itself. Like stupidity. Forrest Gump said it best stupid is as stupid does. But unhealthy thought conclusions because you are basing your logic on denial of self truth is one way to be stuck in an insane thought loop. Which an insane thought loop begats insane thought action pattern. Which at it's worse can be visually recognized. Talking to oneself out loud questioning how your keys disappeared. Shaking with anger and blaming everyone around you for your mental mess. And that is embarrassing to say the least.
I say this to say IF you have taken the initial steps of self recognition and rid yourself of "toxic lies." It does not mean your trigger moments will not reoccur. Daily even. So you keep going back to your mental organizer as they just tell you what your seeing isn't real? At least that’s my fear and reason for avoiding having to have some other "being" wipe my slate clean every week. I just became okay with my frailties. I am not the biggest meat wad in this worlds barrel of fish. Two hundred pounds at six foot is more than okay. But I have a gawky build. Wait, I promise I'll have an entry b*tching about my frailties but I didn't start with the intention of making this one that.
What if you have accepted your frailties and recognize the loop of social situational placing as people eyeball and posture to feel superior. This is standing in line at Mcdonalds for examples sake. Without even the lie of social pseudo niceties . What about societies ultimate denial and lie that prison level thought and abuse is cleverly disguised but still used in "civilized" work and recreational interaction. So then to avoid social anxiety you find as much alone time as possible. And then your own subconscious speaks ill of you. You're scared to go to the store! Coward!
Where I am currently disgusted is finding even in friendship and family love where every one around you wants to posture their self as above your level. And or especially the IQ deficient, logically make a case in their head as to why they can't be around you because you're not on their level. That is the way I hear it in my head so that is the way I wrote it. But the circular thought of that is if I claimed my truth I have been told that people are mirroring what they see when they interact with me. I intentionally try to find where I equal the few I choose to interact with. EQUAL. I will try to raise you up to my level if you're deficient or since the millennial view point is you’re the best and over exaggerated gesturing to simulate confidence is the key. I have to prove myself equal to children without the experience of 10+ years in the workforce. But that fake confidence is stunning to say the least. What they learn in High School posturing in 2018 is ugly.