This morning on my walk more music was coming through.
I've been working over these past weeks on learning how to have a healthy energetic boundary, an aura that lets in all the good life gives to me and disallows anything that is not in my best interest to have in my field. The first exercise I was guided to was to make this question my prayer:
"What does it feel like to have a healthy
When I first asked this question during a walking meditation, everything got suddenly peaceful and radiant and calm. I felt my root softly connecting completely with the Earth beneath me and a pleasurable glow enveloping me. The pleasure of simply being me was so much more palpable than I had ever experienced it before. My own energy swirled deliciously all over my body, nourishing and delighting every cell. And I could feel that everything I need is right here.
Relief. Joy. I'm home anywhere.
This changes everything.
No more need to go outside myself for what was always here.
The awareness wasn't a permanent change. I clung to it and it melted away like a mist in the sun. Guides told me to continue to practice the question and allow whatever experience came up, without judgement. Simply by asking the question and letting go of controlling the outcome, I was building new neural pathways that would begin to make my default auric pattern one that would be giving me the healthy energetic boundary without me having to think about it.
I fell into some hard core defensiveness when I felt another person's upset and angry energy directed at me. I doubted my ability to hold the field and felt panicked and unable to remember what it feels like to feel good inside of me. I was given a series of insights about how my childhood hurts had predisposed me to cooperate with invasive and damaging energy, and what to do about it, including envisioning an energetic bandage on the places in my energy body that felt injured from the other person's intense energy. This soothed the pain and buffered the connection. I was shown how to make a powerful psychic shield that kept out external influences that could throw me off my center, while I got some rest and continued the work of learning how to make my own healthy and strong boundary by default. Again, the peace returned, but not consistently. I kept spiraling into terror of being overtaken, invaded by another's aggressive energy.
A pattern began to emerge that allowed me to see that the experience of being harrassed and molested as a child by an older relative, in ways I was unable to stop, left me with a kneejerk defensiveness and constant vigilance that literally was wearing me out. I was exhausted and could hardly even begin to remember the meditation question, much less the way it made me feel.
I began to feel bitterly angry about the way the other people had acted and my incessant, furious mind chatter became the oppressive presence in my life. I realized that this would be far more damaging to me than anything anyone else could do to me, and that it was turning me into a person who was capable of causing another person harm, but again, it required constant vigilance to stop it.
I knew I needed help.
And the answer was plain:
Bring my attention to my heart.
And know that God loves me,
And perceive God in the other person,
And understand that God is the only defense I need.
The way I felt when I first asked about my healthy energetic boundary was restored.
It really is that easy.
Here are the words that are the continuation of an earlier song (posted on this project, "note to self…") that have come to me over many meditation walks, finishing up today on my morning walk with words that gave me tears of gratitude and joy as I recognized the presence of my family of light (who I met when I was 14, which I describe in my book which you can download if you want, just email me). They were always beside me, cheering me on as I went through the hard times thinking I was all alone. They were always here, and I'm glad that I am too.
I'm Radiating light
And i feel
Everything is here
Everything I need
No part left out
And I look at you and see you shining too
Do you know it's true?
All those hurts you're running from
They were never about you
They were never true
Face the light inside of you
Slow down, Take down these walls
let your sun shine through
We're shining right beside you!
Touch the ground
Look around and see....
Who you are
within the Stars.
You were always free!