RESISTANCE LEADER TO RESTRAINT NEEDER - M’NAAGO’S TREACHEROUS BEDROOM ANTICS!
 
If you’re unlucky enough to be fully aware of the finer details of the Ala Mhigan Resistance, then you almost certainly know of M’naago, a member of yet another of those nefarious sunkeeper cat tribes. But what you may not be aware of is her recent turning of allegiance - she who once (allegedly) carried an Ala Mhigan flag atop her shoulders now kneels beneath a very different flag. To be plain, she’s begun whoring herself to the Garleans.


“She doesn’t come across as that slutty,” an anonymous source claims. “But then, there’s a lot we don’t know about her, realistically.”

Recently sighted in the hot springs of Kugane, M’naago very openly took advantage of the place’s neutrality to cavort with the local Garlean soldiers, agents, cooks, blacksmiths, engineers, foundry workers, pilots, merchants, ambassadors, busboys, geographers, photographers, professional swim instructors, retail employees, bankers, financiers, tourists, swindlers, bakers, teamakers, and anyone claiming to have a drop of Garlean blood in their veins. Wearing a shirt which said “GARLEANS NEEDED” with an arrow pointing downward on the front, and “ALA MHIGANS NEED NOT APPLY” with an X on the back, M’naago was also said to have been absolutely swathed in Garlean currency by the end of the past fourteen nights.


She even got a tattoo of the emblem of Garlemald!


“I’ve seen all her tattoos,” one witness stated. “These match […] all.”


Upon realizing the jig was up, M’naago, rather than accept our offer of an interview to tell her own side of the story, was instead seen writing a desperate letter to Imperial Doman Viceroy Yotsuyu:


“I have to escape the press. How soon can you have a room ready for me if I fly over there?”


When reached for comment, fellow ranking Resistance member Lyse Hext had the following statements:


“Good dick is more important than freedom.” Then she added: “M’naago is going under covers.”


The final statement we were able to get from the Garlean bicycle herself before her very un-mysterious disappearance was as follows:


“My throat is getting sore. For reasons […] Garlean dick!”


We’d say we’re surprised, but at this point is there anything the Ala Mhigans can do that would really be surprising? At least M’naago’s figured out a lesson anyone could’ve told her: a good lay’s more important than Ala Mhigo any day.


Anthony Hawke denies all accusations he only wrote this article to fill a quota.