If the cover is page one, page two is a pile of dead Robins.


Hey DC! Don't have a story arc where a bunch of undead assassins give Batman and the Batfamily a tough time and then expect me to believe that a bunch of amateur kids are going to stand up to them! Even if those kids have had three hours of Bat-training! Although if Damian is the leader of the Talons and he tells them to self-destruct but to make it look good, I can believe that. While some stories have proven the Talons can be as smart as they were while living, I have to believe that they're mostly just dumb automatons that can't be "murderered"; they can merely be "put out of their misery."


The issue begins with the face of a fat kid in a Robin suit saying, "I'm not Robin." But he's not saying that for all of the reasons you're prejudiced and awful brain probably told you he was saying it! Like "No duh, fatty!" or "You sad sack pathetic freak! Of course you're not Robin!" and "Coward? More like Cowtubolard!" Jeez, your brain is awful! No, he's saying that he is not Robin because he wants to scream "We are Robin!" The pronoun is apparently important for some reason. I guess only selfish assholes like Damian Wayne think they're the only Robin now.



Unless the point is that the kid did chicken out because Jason Todd and Damian Wayne were too brusque for his sensitive ego.


Maybe the real point is you're not Robin if you give up and decide sitting home and stuffing your face full of potato chips while you play video games is better than being criticized by other people for not fitting in. Man, I want to quit now! I'm not Robin either! Whose terrible idea was it to spend all of this time writing about comic books when I could have a mouth full of chips while vegging out on Xbox?


And just so you know: I am copyrighting "cowtubolard" so if you're even in Portland and you see a pasty white guy with an afro and big fish lips waddling around, you'd better not call him "cowtubolard" or I'll sue you! And you'll know you're about to be sued when that guy begins crying and running away wiping snot from his nose! Jerkos!


At the end or whatever comic book was the penultimate chapter of Robin War, Damian had joined with the Talons and had confronted the other Robins. Now he's telling them to wrap up the story because he figured out a way to end it early. He's the Gray Son they were looking for and he joined and now the conflict is resolved and everybody can live happily ever after muttering, "I am not Robin. And I'm not an Owl either, thank Christ."



Great! Now the vigilantes have vigilantes! Stand down, Duke, and let the vigilante do the cop's job for them! He doesn't need you to do the cop's job for him!


Damian knocks out Duke in one punch because of course he does. Later Damian might grudgingly say he respects Duke for showing that kind of heart but only if later Damian is high on crystal meth and Sodium Pentothal. But for now, the Robins and Owls begin battling while Dick watches on Lincoln March's humongous television in the sewers.


Lincoln March tells Dick Grayson how it came to pass that Damian Wayne accepted the role of the Gray Son of Gotham. It basically boils down to Lincoln March saying, "Gotham will once more be destroyed. The only difference is it will be caused by crazy as fuck Talons and Batman isn't around to stop it. Unless, of course, somebody took up the role of Gray Son. Somebody, perhaps, standing in this room? The one that doesn't have a boner for owls? Yeah, you, kid. You can be the Gray Son!" And Damian was all, "Yes! I'll show that Dick Grayson who the real Gray Son is! I'm better than everybody!"



No Damian! You can't take back those words! You can never take back those words!


That previous caption was insincere. I'm glad Damaian said those things about Jason Todd while also smashing Jason Todd's face into the dirt. It was entertaining. It very much entertained me.


After taking care of Jason Todd, Damian punches Red Robin in the face (but first he calls him Drake in the middle of the battle. I guess everybody's too busy trying not to die to catch the secret identity) and declares he's not Robin. Well, that can't be true! Damian already ruined one monthly title with his name in it by dying! Now he's the star of another one called Robin, Son of Batman. Is it going to have to change to Gray Son, Son of the Court of Owls? Because that's a terrible title.


After Damian puts down all of the other Robins, Duke gets back up for another round. If he doesn't get dropped in one more shot, I'm going to eat one of my toes. I mean it! I will do it! I will heat up the wok and...no, you know what. I've read enough comic books to know better. I'm just going to let Duke win this round. Probably with the help of all of the cowtubolards who decided they actually still wanted to be Robin.


But before the grand We Are Robin ending ends this thing, Dick Grayson needs to learn from Lincoln March the secret of the name "Nightwing." Because it apparently has nothing to do with the Kryptonian species that went around fucking Flamebirds.



Oh! I know! I know! Rush! Rush flies by night!


I don't get it. Why is Rush suddenly important to Dick Grayson's Mythos?! Is it Lincoln March's favorite band? Maybe Rush has been financed by the Court of Owls all of these years! They always have had a certain middle of the road, things are pretty gray viewpoint! Except for when they singing songs about The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged. Those viewpoints weren't very gray at all.


Lincoln March reveals the answer to his riddle is "a black helicopter." No wait. An owl! Duh! Of course! How did I not see that?!



Back to the scene that almost cost me a toe, it ends how I said it was going to end. Not how you said it was going to end! How I said it was going to end! Who is the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? Who is? No! You can't all say "We are Grandmaster Comic Book Readers!" Stop it! It's not true! I am the true Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I AM!


Duke tries to talk sense into Damian while they fight and Damian says, "You don't know me." Obviously! He's trying to talk sense to Damian Wayne! He totally doesn't know Damian.


Grayson threatens to burn down the Gotham Sewers and destroy the Court of Owls' home if they don't stop fucking around with Gotham. But Lincoln points out that the Owl Mask on Damian's face has nanotechnology that will melt Damian's face on Halloween. Or when they pull the trigger. That actually makes more sense. Now Dick Grayson has to hope that Duke's clear cut lack of knowledge of Damian does the job anyway so that Damian takes off the face-melting mask and declares himself a Robin once more.


Duke declares he's not Robin and everybody reading goes, "RECORD SCRATCH?!" And then Damian goes, "Oh! Yeah! Right! I'm Robin!" And then everybody saves the day! And by "everybody" I mean the Robins and not the cops who fail completely and totally need the Robins to save them and go home later unable to fuck their spouses because they realize how useless they are.


Lincoln March points out that everything happened the way he had planned it and now Dick Grayson has to accept the deal with the Court or else Damian's head will blow up. I guess the nanotech was injected into his face and the mask doesn't matter anymore which I totally knew earlier but didn't want to have to explain around my Halloween reference. But I bet the nanotech sweats itself out in a year or so because he's a growing boy and growing boys sweat a lot. Especially at night in great heaping gunks in the sheets.


And then everybody lived happily ever after! Or as happily as they are allowed in a medium with stories that never really end.



It sucks when dad goes out for a pack of jokes and never returns so that the eldest child has to take over his role.


Later, Robin meets Duke in a dark alley and they make a date to go see a movie. See? I told you he'd grudgingly respect Duke! Now who's the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!? Oh, just admit it! I'm better than you! Wait. Wait! Where are you all going?! Don't make me finish this commentary knowing nobody is left to read it! Don't leave me alone! NOOOOOOOO!


Fine. I'll just write whatever I want to fucking write now because all the fuckity fuck fucks have had their feelings hurt and gone home to not have sex with anybody at all because they're too busy thinking up new combinations for their Magic the Gathering decks.


So the stupid issue ends with stupid Dick Grayson accepting his stupid role as the stupid Gray Son of Gotham to all of the stupid owls all across the stupid world.


Robin War #2 Rating: Pretty good! And I'm not going to apologize! Go fuck yourselves! I am better than you all! BETTER I SAY!