SEAFARING SECRET: SOLICITING SNARKY SEA SNAKE STEVEN’S SARCASTIC SUGGESTIONS
We have received word that Admiral Merlwyb Bloefhiswyn, unpopular leader of Limsa Lominsa and general nuisance, has taken yet another step in the drunken line dance that is the La Noscean imitation of civilized politics. This time, she has appointed a sea snake named “Steven” to her personal panel of advisors.

According to a confidential source, the snake is about 15 yalms long and as girthy as the source’s own snake, if you get his meaning. It survives off of a diet of caviar (barbaric), soy sauce (disgusting), and lalafel (unthinkable!). The lalafel are said to be imported from our fair city of Ul’Dah because it is said that we are the plumpest and most succulent, which is the most morbid compliment this reporter has ever received. I’m not plump, I’m firm in all the right places!

Going back to the insane snake woman, it is said that she not only goes to it for advice in the way that a rational person would bounce ideas off of an inanimate object, she actually believes it to respond to her! It was likely from this madness that many of her decisions have spawned, such as the appointment of the orange madman or her policy on Garleans

Worst of all, it seems Merlwyb’s depravity knows no bounds. She has even been asking the serpent for advice in affairs of the heart. It seems that Merlwyb goes to one serpent for advice in trapping another, yet wonders why they flee from her on sight, as if serpents naturally fear enormous she-hulks and instead prefer young, firm, delicate women. The effects of the Admiral’s drought can be seen on the very streets itself, as any man outside of her personal guard immediately flees from her line of sight, cowering and muttering something about not wanting the death penalty or to be annihilated in the bedchambers. Truly anything that goes on in that godsforsaken city is madness, it’s a wonder that it hasn’t been sunk yet.

There are a lot of questions to be asked, obviously: Is the salt affecting their brains? Are they born this stupid? Will they ever have any hope of joining the rest of civilized society and cease being the laughingstock we all know them to be? And the answers are “yes”, “yes” and “oh gods of course not.” But beyond that, the biggest questions all start with the word “Why”. “Why would she do this?” “Why does the city of Limsa Lominsa tolerate her antics?” “Why is it we actually let them join the Alliance?”

Stick with The Crucible to find the answers, if, indeed, they ever exist.

Written by firm, delicate, young and not at all plump woman Minaji Maji.