All we ask is to be acknowledged. Let people know we exist.
Instead of booking those more likely to be abusers to speak at conventions and counsel relationships and to do any of this fucking intense emotional and intellectual labor with marginalized or vulnerable populations, encourage conferences, colleges, and conventions to seek us out first.
The privileged – those most likely to perpetuate or otherwise cover up or be oblivious to abuse – are currently the only ones profiting from these gigs, getting all of the resources and support that rightly belong to the marginalized, the trauma experts, the invisiblized.
Funnel the support our way. Let us create the differences necessary to keep ourselves and one another safe and accountable. The world has been flipped upside down and turned inside out.
Who better to create metanoiac restoration than the true experts, those with experiences beyond that liminal edge, the ones who have built the foundations of the world?
I Am Lilith
Hire me to do a cuil sensitivity consult.
Not sure if your diverse characters are cutouts or dynamic?
As a minority of minorities, I can certainly provide some insight into whether your story/ies will fall flat or resonate with the populations you’re writing about.
Or hire me as a trauma-informed accountability counselor.
I am uniquely situated to speak on and provide guidance on a variety of issues revolving around relationships, non-monogamy, intersectionality, philosophy, ethics, trauma, abuse, sex, disability, marginalized populations, power dynamics, and much, much more.
Why Choose Me?
There’s a very good chance I’m one of the oddest people you’ll ever come across. I’ve had a highly unusual life and tend to fall into the most marginalized categories of both identities and experiences.
Who Am I?
Since I appreciate full disclosure, I’m letting it all out in the open: I’m Black (with Irish and Cherokee thrown in to fuck things up further), autistic, aromantic, noetisexual (a new term coined by yours truly), demisexual/asexual (though not a celibate one), polyamorous, Relationship Anarchist, autodidact, relationship fluid (an invention of Louisa’s), disabled, single parent, in poverty, kinky switch/Dom/me, assigned female at birth, synesthetic (most notably visual/touch), intersex, genderqueer, Army brat, survivor of several forms of abuse, left-handed, singleish, and pansexual.
What Have I Experienced?
My disabilities and health conditions consist of endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, fibromyalgia, eczema, secondary anxiety and depression. I’ve lived in severe poverty for my entire life, including prior, some recent and likely impending homelessness. I’ve had several major surgeries, survived more rapes than I can count, and narrowly escaped stalkers, domestic violence, and murderers. I’ve been writing cuil fiction, my invented intersectional queer and poly genre, for over 16 years. I raise my children non-traditionally with my sister. I’m also a not-quite widow; within months of one another I lost both a former female partner and a current male partner.
What Do I Know?
I attended many schools, majoring in areas as diverse as Drama, Instrumental Music, Choir, Dance, Aviation Maintenance, Teaching and Technology, Brain and Mind Studies (which includes an in-depth integrated approach to the different disciplines dealing with, well, the mind), Women Gender and Sexuality Studies, Objectivism.
Of course, that’s only my education on paper; since the age of 12 or so I’ve also been a voracious self-taught student of history, sexuality, religions, cosmology, philosophy, math, technology; anything that caught my fancy.
I spend the majority of my time presently engaging in fleshing out the many corners of the cuilverse (the fictional, intersectional world of my queer, poly characters); writing for Harlot Magazine, on Medium, or Postmodern Woman; and providing content for groups such as Intersectional Non-Monogamy (another invention of mine) and a few others of intersectional focus.
I’m also a contributor, transcriptionist, social media associate, and speaker for Everyday Feminism; offering a number of courses of varying topics I both have personal and educational experience with. Additionally, I serve as the Digital Content Outreach Coordinator for The Body is Not an Apology.
Want to Meet Me?
List of courses (including but not limited to):
- Intersectional Non-Monogamy – Go beyond turning jealousy into compersion by learning to conduct truly ethical relationships in a diverse world. Non-monogamy is so much more than simply overcoming jealousy, spicing up a dulled relationship, and disastrous first relationships. Discover the role history and culture plays in the relationship choices we make. Come to appreciate the hidden power dynamics that leave most practitioners regurgitating monogamous standards in their open relationships. The history and possibilities for non-monogamy go far beyond what you’ll typically find in the literature and media. Get a deeper understanding of true diversity across various spectrums from someone who is a minority of minorities. Here you’ll find relevant articles, videos, and even examples in excerpts from The Cuil Effect Project; accurate information about sex, trauma, abuse, diversity, and health; and learn the true meaning of ethical non-monogamy. If you’re looking for something truly ethical and transformative in your relationships or activism then come along as we explore a depth of love, sex, race, variation, and non-monogamy you’ll rarely find anywhere else. Best done as a series but a brief introductory presentation can be given.
- How to Write Cuil – This course explores a new way to write about relationships, sex, consent, and sexual diversity in fiction that is sexy, real, and unexpectedly surprising. I want to show that communication, sex, kink, and erotica doesn’t have to be cheap, meaningless, or contrived to be engaging, uplifting, and arousing. There is so little healthy, thorough information on these subjects out there; especially in fiction (even those that purport to deal with polyamory, kink, or queer topics are rather limited in scope). Each series in The Cuil Effect Project has a different style and highlights different aspects of sexuality, traumatic experiences, and vulnerability. They all compare and contrast healthy and unhealthy relationships, reactions, and states of mind. They are tales of growth, acceptance, and integration. They are meant to be parts of a whole so the more you read the more the overall themes will make sense. Many of the themes (sexuality, kink, sex positivity, polyamory, and LGBTQIA+ matters) are ever-present fixtures in the books. And virtually every single relationship depicted is non-normative. Best done as a series but a brief introductory presentation can be given.
- The Forgotten Queers – This course explores all of the identities that get left out. Normally, everything other than gay and lesbian is highly misunderstood, erased, and generally invisible. Learn about aromantics, asexuals, demisexuals, kinksters, intersex, and other non-clear cut queers, identities, and sexualities. Can be lengthened or shortened according to particular interest and needs.
- The Invisibility of Disability – This talk highlights the realities of disabilities, taking from personal experience, medical facts and practices, drug laws, and more. The realities of living with disability, getting assistance, and relationships and sex will all be discussed. Strip away the layers of ableism that keep invisible illnesses on the margins, even within the disabled community. Can be lengthened or shortened according to particular interest and needs.
- Aro Eros Arrows – Concentrates on toxic dating culture, amatonormativity, rape culture, and other relationship and intimacy concerns through the lens of aromanticism. Next to asexuality, this is one of the most widely misinterpreted identities. Explore the realities of this orientation, the types of relationships that are healthiest, and the value of friendship. This will draw from and expand upon material in the upcoming book of the same name. Can be lengthened or shortened according to particular interest and needs.
- The Actual Sexual Spectrum – There is a vast amount of misinformation out there concerning the biology and experience of sex. This course fills in the holes in traditional sex education, with a focus on breaking down the myth of sexual dimorphism, teaching correct anatomy and function, and being inclusive of queer and intersex bodies and experiences. Learn about and discuss practices that are commonly dismissed and/or unavailable to most. The possibilities are closer to endless than proscribed. Can be lengthened or shortened according to particular interest and needs.
- Parental/Caregiver Privilege: There’s one relationship above all others that we humans rarely get to choose or easily escape. One which forms most of our values, preferences, and sense of self yet it’s also one of the least examined and critiqued. While parenting advice abounds, there is very little research done on infant mental health. While the ACEs research has grown in popularity, in general the advice given to children of abusive or toxic parents is to make amends. Behavior that would be considered toxic and abusive in any other context – financial control, emotional manipulation, power over where one goes and what one eats, control over housing, and on and on – is often overlooked. People are expected to grow and heal from their various childhood traumas. They’re still heavily expected to care for toxic and abusive family members. This course uncovers the most common forms parental/caregiver privilege comes in. This privilege does not just extend to the caregivers themselves, but also to those who grew up with positive parental influences and thus cannot understand the choice to cut contact with parental figures.
- Ally In Action: This is the in-person version of an online course designed to give allies the tools and resources to become better accomplices. It is meant to take the pressure off of marginalized people in the role of education. It empowers the ally to become more than that, to become a turncoat, an accomplice, someone who can get down in the trenches. It will give clear steps for maintaining one’s mental and emotional health, tools for figuring out the maximum effective form of allyship in a given situation, and resources one can use to research intersectional feminist issues. It’s easy to get frustrated with only being referred to Google and it can be hard to know which source’s viewpoint to take on a given issue, but putting the pressure on the marginalized to teach you burns everyone out. By taking this course/workshop, you’ll be able to apply critical thinking, better research skills, and most importantly learn when it’s appropriate to give space to marginalized people. So stop bothering your marginalized friends and get yourself ready!