Sorry
 
I ended up seeing the TAFE psychologist about what's going on. Have you ever been sick but avoided going to the doctor because the thought of doctors makes your body act like you're totally fine? That was me. Sitting in the waiting room telling myself I'm fine, I don't need to be here.  After an hour in her office and filling in a quiz its been determined I have depression over anxiety and I need to see someone on a regular basis, sooner rather than later. While I had her stumped on why a particular woman's need to make up rumours has me so upset, when I started mentioning other stuff we agreed she's just the cherry on top when it comes to problems. She was basically the trigger. Since the visit I've at least cried less, I guess having someone validate your emotional rollercoaster makes it ok. 

I'm now on the diet from hell too to try and work out whats going on with my stomach. I'm now dairy free, gluten free, chocolate free, artificial sweetener free, if it's exciting I can't have it free....FYI - it's not working and I have another 4-5 weeks to go.

The end of that week the Dividers were in Perth. I saw them when I was in Sydney in 2014. I almost wasn't going to go - because that's how I roll now - but they offered to shove me on the door. I was even going to half ass taking photos but ended up taking a heap. They were so impressed with the back of the camera they gave me $100. Made my week! 

That high lasted a few hours when the following afternoon I found out a friend died. Took a couple of hours to really hit me and I just felt a truck load of guilt. He had messaged me the weekend before about wanting to do a shoot, it's something we had talked about a few times over the last year, but I had no money and my headspace just wasn't in the right place. He was so insistent it had to happen, and then just stopped talking the more I said I couldn't. I literally had enough money to get to tafe on Monday for the psych appointment. But I couldn't help but wonder how much of that impacted on his choice, or if it would have made any difference at all if we had done it. I wasn't against doing it, just not this week. I went out that night to hang with my friends because I had this dumb idea it's better than sitting at home. To a point it was but there was a lot of crying first. There's a sea of posts and dedications to him on Facebook and he was so loved by all it's tragic this happened. His funeral is next week and it will be my 2nd ever funeral, the first was my mum's, so for lack of better wording...this shall be interesting. I'm generally pretty good at keeping my shit together, but if there's a room full of crying people I don't know if I'll be able too. 

So this week has sort of revolved around that and trying to work out how I'm going to get two shoots done with a photo ready to hand in on Monday afternoon. One is happening on Sunday (nothing like last minute!) and the other I'm doing on film (because I like to make life harder on myself) and that's going to involve a unicorn mask in the city tomorrow. 

So here's a new edit from my 2nd go at astrophotography. If nothing else all this time spent at home I've worked out some new stuff in Lightroom.