A Spark of Joy

I'm one of the most chaotic and messy persons I know; I like hoarding clothes, books, jewelry, and materials for my sewing, and I find it extremely difficult to organize my things. A while ago I started listening an audiobook about KonMari, a way of tidying your house, by getting rid of everything that doesn't spark joy. It sounded like a method that could work for me, so started tidying as soon as I finished to book.

I'm only halfway with uncluttering my room (my wardrobe is so empty now! yay!), but I already start noticing some changes. Before I stuff myself with unhealthy snacks, I ask myself: will eating this spark joy? The answer is usually "no". Before I binge another awful series on Netflix, I ask myself: will this even remotely spark joy? Again, the answer is usually "no". And before I say yes to a new collaboration, I will ask myself if the shoot will spark joy. It actually hurts to admit, but very often, it doesn't. 

Don't get me wrong, photoshoots are awesome, and still fun to do! It's just no longer the most awesome hobby in the world. I still like hanging out with my creative friends, and I still enjoy reading the sweet comments on my social media. I just no longer get as excited about shoots as I used to be. I feel like I've reached a point where I don't improve as fast a I used to, or maybe even don't improve at all..  When I just started modelling, I saw my photos getting better with each shoot: my posing got better, my facial expressions started looking less forced, I got the opportunity to work with better photographers. The list goes on. But right now, I just feel stuck. I no longer see much improvement in shootresults, so it get harder to be enthusiastic about those results.  I want to do some shoots I have on my bucketlist for years, but I don't feel like my portfolio is good enough to contact the photographers and designers I want for those concepts. Some of those people even told me the want to work with me one day, but it still feels like I don't deserve it. I want to improve my poses and expressions, but all workshops I can find are either meant for beginners, or are absurdly expensive.. I worried about my options for days, and nearly wanted to quit modelling.. 

I posted about this on my personal Facebook, and some people replied with some really good ideas. I concluded it might be a better idea to drastically change the way I shoot, instead of quitting altogether.. Instead of just doing all shoots that are "fun" I will only do the shoots that really make me happy, or shoots that will help me improve my skills. This means I will take a break with my modelling. First I need to improve my skills, and prove myself I am worthy of contacting the people on my bucketlist. To improve my skills, I will try to do shoots which are.. well.. different.. Less fantasy, more Myrna. Fantasy shoots are my favourite, but all the costumes, backgrounds, makeup and photoshop distract me from practicing my own skills. These shoots will mainly be for myself, but if they manage to get me excited, I'll gladly post them here too! In the meanwhile, I'll have more time to work on my schoolwork and Mundura, and prepare the epic bucketlist shoots.. 

What does this mean for my Patreon? Well, not much, actually! You will still get your rewards, and I will still do the Patreon-only photoshoots. I've got some shoots planned, and of course I won't cancel those! I also still have a lot of photos waiting to be retouched by either me or the photographer, so there's lots to upload coming months, so you don't have to worry. I won't forget you on this journey <3 

Long story short: I've lost my mojo and will be on a hiatus until further notice.

Thanks for reading all of this.. It breaks my heart I have to write this post, but I think things will be more epic then ever, once I'm back! If there are any questions, please let me know! 

x Myrna