Sunday Reflection - I'm Just a Girl
 
A girl on a journey through a life that quite often resembles Alice's journey through Wonderland. I have a strange, wonderful, complicated life. I love and cry. I'm weird, can be crazy, have been known to love and laugh and dance with wild abandon... but is constantly told not to. I'm just a girl. I have some truly amazing experiences. I'm very fortunate and I'm deeply blessed, but I also screw up, fall down, get broken, make more mistakes than I care to think about, hurt the people I love the most and I am constantly struggling to make sense of the things around me. I'm just a girl with a mad Disney theme park fetish and a whole secret "Sim" world that is positively goofy and tremendously fun. I'm just a girl who wants to belly dance and make pottery. I want to go to the symphony and let the music soak into my soul. Go to the theater and have my heart expand with joy. I want to paint and write and drink wine and have amazing conversations where new worlds are opened up to me. I'm just a girl longing for a home and a place to belong. I'm just a girl, trying to make sense of my feelings and my experiences, same as the rest of us. I'm trying to do good, leave the world changed someway for the better. I have hopes and dreams, but there are days I feel quite hopeless. I ache and I cry and I feel utterly alone. I'm just a girl, a hopeless romantic who can't trust. Who can't let down her walls completely because every time she tries, the person who swore they'd be different, turns out not to be. I'm just a girl trying to learn to understand and embrace the psychic abilities I've had all my life but pushed away under the guise of being "crazy". Trying to understand past lives, soul mates, twin souls and what matters and what doesn't in this world, in this life. I'm just a girl trying to define her faith in a world of labels that never quite fit. Trying to worship and love the god I feel in my soul and share that without offending anyone, or being apologetic for it. I'm just a girl, who struggles with her weight and body image and is trying to lose a hundred pounds. I struggle with being an innately sexual person in a world who either fears or warps ex into something it was never meant to be. I'm just a girl who dreams of all night conversations over good wine with a lover, or a small group of close friends who I treasure, and a safety I've never yet felt, not even sure what it is, but I long for it. I'm just a girl who worries my work is never good enough and who fears I ruined my sons and can't for the life of me understand why, that no matter how hard I tried and how deep I loved, I couldn't save my marriage and I couldn't save two little boys who so desperately needed saving. I'm just a girl who's learned to take mad leaps of faith, who's seen miracles and lives by her intuition and finds that terribly scary and freeing at the same time. I'm just a girl who wants tremendous success in her career and to touch lives all over the world. I'm just a girl, who dreams of great love and grand passions. A girl who wants to dance in a sunflower field in France and make love all night in a thousand year old villa in Italy and hear the Vienna boy's choir in person and the rain on the roof of one of those brilliantly blue roofs in Greece and ride the Orient Express. When it's all said and done... I hope that's the life I write.