Superwomans #1
 

Superwomans?

The Review!
This comic book has a lot of words and panels in it! You can tell Phil Jimenez is an old school comic book guy by the density of the story in this thing. I mean, he's not that old school! He's really pretty much a young pup since he was born in 1970! That's still a kid! Not as young and sexy and virile as somebody born in 1971, of course! But he's definitely of an age that read comic books written by guys who must have been making about a quarter of a cent per word based on the amount of shit they stuffed into a book. Nowadays most writers make about $100 per word! Some make even more by just filling the comic book with sound effects and forcing the artists and letterers to come up with most of the script! I haven't done an average panels per page count since the first year of The New 52 but this one deserves a look. It's just about an average of ten panels per page! And that's with two pages counting as one panel early on. This thing is packed with a lot of story about women doing the work that needs to be done while a man waves his giant Battlepenis in the faces of the media. I enjoyed it but I still think DC should have gone with the title, "Superwomans, Superman's Ex-Girlfriends".

The Commentary!
The last time I bought a comic book with a Superwoman in it that was not Superwoman from Earth-3's Crime Syndicate was a DC Comics Presents Annual. I think I have two copies of it because my mom also got me a copy for Christmas one year. I read all of my DC Comics Presents comic books a few years ago but I don't remember what happened with Superwoman! I think I might actually have forgotten to read it! I remember she was bald and that's about it. But then, I can hardly remember the story to any of the hundred or so issues of DC Comics Presents I read. I remember The Flash and Superman raced each other in one and discovered that aliens somehow barnstormed Earth with their semen to create human beings. And in one, Swamp Thing had to help cure Superman by cradling his head in his lap. I'm not surprised I don't remember many of the stories because they were all pretty terrible. It's a good thing Superwomans doesn't have any actual connection to the DC Comics of the late seventies and early eighties when DC had mostly given up on quality.

The issue begins with Lois Lane showing off to Lana Lang by holding a tractor over her head. This is the part of the story where everybody who doesn't read the solicits (you know, just me, I think) says, "What the fuck is going on here?! I thought Superwoman was going to be the new Superman of Paris or another sexy country like, um, Iceland? But instead it's Lois Lane?! How the hell did she get powers? Did she report on a nuclear power plant melting down and decided to sneak in to get the scoop and got super powers instead?!" This is also the part of the story where everybody who reads the solicits probably isn't reading this part of the story because they get all of their information about comic books second hand but then pretend like they've read them. Just like everybody who reads reviews of movies simply so they can discuss some other person's opinion of the movie instead of forming their own opinion. Most of those people don't even realize how much of their opinion has already been formed by the ongoing conversation before they see the movie or read the book. I see that kind of nonsense constantly online. People parroting other people's opinions just so they feel like they're engaging in the conversation. I suppose it's also kind of a safety net so when somebody tells them they thought the opposite, they can say, "Oh, well, that was just what I heard." No commitment to the thought! But then that's the cell phone connected society we live in, I guess. Everybody feels they need to have an opinion on everything, even if they have no experience of that thing. Which is why I'm going to read this comic book before I come to the conclusion that it's feminist propaganda meant to normalize the role of women as the main characters in comic books! I mean, what's next? Supercat? Superhorse? Supermonkey! Hmm, I hope so!

This issue is called "Who is Superwoman?" but I think that's rhetorical because page one already explained that it was Lois Lane. I think we're supposed to wonder how this happened. Which is good because I'm totally wondering that!


Oh hai, Bethany!

What does that reporter mean by "and then some"?! Is he suggesting Superwoman is better than Superman?! I knew it! The feminist agenda is to make women better than men! I'm outraged! Except I have to admit that most of the women I know are far better at conducting their lives than I am. I would probably be homeless and living in a Volkswagen van if it wasn't for the Non-Certified Spouse not wanting to see me forget to eat and die distracted in the streets. I'm not saying she's taken over the role of mother in my life! That's gross! I'm saying she's taken over the role of Social Welfare Agent who is also a part-time Zookeeper. Sure, I have my own business and we've had a good life for quite a while now because of it. I'm not saying I've taken over the role of father in her life! That's gross! I'm just pointing out that I probably wouldn't have this business if I was the only person I needed to worry about taking care of. I'm really not that worried about myself! I think I would have done pretty well in that Volkswagen.

Oh! I just realized that sexist reporter's "and then some" might have been a comment on her breasts! For shame! What a pig!

Lana Lang has taken a job as a reporter for The Daily Star. That means Bethany Snow is her coworker, that vile bitch! Sorry, sorry! I'm still so angry at her betrayal of the Teen Titans at the hands of Brother Blood. No wait! I like Brother Blood better than the Teen Titans! Bethany was on my side! Go Bethany! Sorry about the vile bitch comment. I actually, um, meant it positively! Vile bitches get shit done!

I wonder if Lana Lang is going to get super powers soon? It seems everybody with the double L initials is getting them. Lex Luthor. Lois Lane. The firewoman whose name I can't remember! Lana's already a genius just like every other character in DC Comics. It sure would be nice to have some regularly intelligent people in this universe. Maybe even some stupid ones. Can we bring Dumb Bunny back?

Lex has created a giant penis he calls the Gestalt which will sit in Metropolis Harbor being the envy of everybody who sees it. Especially me! I mean, especially super villains! They take this opportunity to cause trouble by shutting down Lex's armor (so he's just like Gordon in the Bunny Armor, is he? Whenever the writer wants, they can just shut down his armor and he's helpless!) and sending the Gestalt toward the edge of the harbor where it will probably crash and kill scads and scads of people. Although some of those people might enjoy getting crushed under the weight of Lex's Gestalt.


Oh yeah! I completely forgot this was a Superwoman comic book.

The ship is too much for Superwoman to handle so she tells Lana she needs her help. What the hell can Lana do? It's not like she has super powers too! I mean, right? She doesn't, does she? Oh man. She does! Apparently she and Lois got powers when Superman when nova around them when he apparently died. Since Supergirl is already taken, I guess Lana is going to have to be Supertramp! I mean Superlady! Oh! Except she's also just Superwoman! So the title really is Superwomans! That's just...dumb.

I guess if you're a journalist or reporter in Metropolis, you also get to be a superhero. Although it's much easier for a print journalist to write all about their own exploits. How is Lana supposed to report on her exploits at the scene? She's going to be a huge failure!

The Superwomans save the day in a totally impossible way so it's a good thing Lana says, "This should never have worked. It totally defies the laws of physics." No wait. Actually she should have just never said that! She should have said, "Our asses make great shock absorbers!" And Lois could have been, "I can't believe that twerked!" And then they could have made out.

Lois and Lana decide to become a Super-Squad of Superwomans! They'll not only control the skies but the media response to the women controlling the Metropolis skyline! But then Lex owns The Daily Planet, so he might just fire Lois Lane if she writes too many Superwomans articles and not enough Superman (Lex Luthor Style) articles.

Oh! Apparently the danger on the ship isn't over yet! Whatever caused the ship to go out of control has actually breached it and is still aboard! The Superwomans decide to investigate. I hope they eventually get comfortable enough to call in Batwoman for help! Too bad they don't currently know her number because she could have helped against the creature they wind up fighting. It turns out the creature was aboard the ship all along and is just another Lex Luthor Bizarro experiment. But since this is Superwomans, the Bizarro is female! And she turns Lois to stone! Or sand! Or salt. Something. Right before Lois "dies," she says, "Clark? Oh god. I understand now. It all makes se...". Then she goes semi-nova and winds up as grit. Bizarroness looks just as confused as Lana when the scene ends.

Next issue: Who killed Superwoman? I think that's a trick question! Lois probably isn't dead. Probably. It's just a hunch I have.