Twitter Horoscopes: 01/23/17
Here are this week's tweets from Actual Horoscopes. Remember, you can look at the stars yourself all you want, but don't touch. 


Pisces: A confrontation at work this week that will lead to either a murder or a hot make-out session, I can't tell which. 

Cancer: Send nudes. 

Aries: No, you cannot write emojis on your checks. Also, why the hell are you still using checks? 

Gemini: You don't have to say "gay wedding" anymore, you can just say "wedding." 

Sagittarius: Don't live by someone else's rules. Instead live by someone else's prejudices. 

Leo: Don't rush into something you know very little about. You can apply this to relationships but mostly I mean Kevin Hart movies. 

Virgo: New possibilities in your love life will open up when your boyfriend suggests bringing fruit into the bedroom. 

Aquarius: Leave the briefcase under the north bench in the park at noon, wait ten minutes, then walk away. No cops. 

Scorpio: Solutions to your problems don't just fall from the sky. Unless you're a farmer and your problem is drought. 

Taurus: Jupiter is really not helping your decision making this week. This is mostly because astrology is bullshit. 

Capricorn: A colleague of yours will need a friend to confide in later this week, so get an excuse ready. 

Libra: If you want to better attract a man try flashing your baby blues. Also see a doctor, your nipples shouldn't be that color. 


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