Pisces: A confrontation at work this week that will lead to either a murder or a hot make-out session, I can't tell which.
Cancer: Send nudes.
Aries: No, you cannot write emojis on your checks. Also, why the hell are you still using checks?
Gemini: You don't have to say "gay wedding" anymore, you can just say "wedding."
Sagittarius: Don't live by someone else's rules. Instead live by someone else's prejudices.
Leo: Don't rush into something you know very little about. You can apply this to relationships but mostly I mean Kevin Hart movies.
Virgo: New possibilities in your love life will open up when your boyfriend suggests bringing fruit into the bedroom.
Aquarius: Leave the briefcase under the north bench in the park at noon, wait ten minutes, then walk away. No cops.
Scorpio: Solutions to your problems don't just fall from the sky. Unless you're a farmer and your problem is drought.
Taurus: Jupiter is really not helping your decision making this week. This is mostly because astrology is bullshit.
Capricorn: A colleague of yours will need a friend to confide in later this week, so get an excuse ready.
Libra: If you want to better attract a man try flashing your baby blues. Also see a doctor, your nipples shouldn't be that color.