Aquarius: A loved one has been feeling a bit left out lately. Try inviting her to this week's office orgy.
Capricorn: It's okay to be independent. Those who love you will always be there. Because tapeworms can feel love.
Sagittarius: If it feels like you've been running low on energy then simply sacrifice a virgin and steal her lifeforce.
Pisces: Every second counts today, but every first doesn't.
Virgo: There are some big changes coming your way. Mother's Day is gonna start costing you double if you catch my drift.
Aries: Remember not to bite the hand that feeds you. Or just maybe use your own utensils, I don't know.
Libra: It's time to get out there and meat new people. That's right, the stars want you to throw meat at random people.
Gemini: Faith can be hard to come by, but she might be available for lunch this Tuesday.
Cancer: Remove plastic top, add water to fill line, microwave for 3 minutes and 30 seconds and then mix in cheese.
Scorpio: Live every week like it's your last. Especially this week.
Leo: Be extra perceptive this week. Demons will try to possess several of your loved ones and only you can see them.
Taurus: Don't be too afraid to speak out against your superiors. Especially if you work for the Trump administration.
That's it for this week, but check those other Twitter accounts linked above for daily updates.