Twitter Horoscopes: 09/04/17
Hello my star-babies. 

Bellow you will find all the information the stars have given me for this week. If you have a complaint, take it up with the cosmos. 


Cancer: You will experience an explosion of flavor this week that will put several holes in your teeth. 

Aquarius: Don't beat yourself up. That person who says she's you from the future and looks exactly like you is right. 

Aries: A long lost friend of relative is seeking you. Pretend you don't have any money. 

Sagittarius: This week you'll find more satisfaction in a grilled cheese sandwich than from any man since the year 2011. 

Scorpio: If spider-umbrellas exist, you'll want to invest in one on Wednesday. 

Pisces: De-clutter your life in a beautiful, cleansing fire. 

Leo: You will get your creative juices flowing this week after a small dosage of black tar heroin. 

Gemini: The passion you feel for a loved one now will be felt by others in a courtroom in twelve years. 

Libra: Try not to put things off to the last minute. Specifically your diabetes medication. 

Capricorn: A little charity now will pay off later after an embezzlement charge besmirches your character. 

Taurus: You will find the answers within yourself... because you accidentally swallowed your cheat sheet last night. 

Virgo: Speak up for yourself and others will follow. The fight for 3-ply toilet paper in the office bathroom isn't over. 


That's it for this week's horoscopes. Don't forget to follow Actual Horoscopes on Twitter to get your fortune sooner, as well as Actual Facts, Actual News, and Actual Quotes for more.