Bellow you will find all the information the stars have given me for this week. If you have a complaint, take it up with the cosmos.
Cancer: You will experience an explosion of flavor this week that will put several holes in your teeth.
Aquarius: Don't beat yourself up. That person who says she's you from the future and looks exactly like you is right.
Aries: A long lost friend of relative is seeking you. Pretend you don't have any money.
Sagittarius: This week you'll find more satisfaction in a grilled cheese sandwich than from any man since the year 2011.
Scorpio: If spider-umbrellas exist, you'll want to invest in one on Wednesday.
Pisces: De-clutter your life in a beautiful, cleansing fire.
Leo: You will get your creative juices flowing this week after a small dosage of black tar heroin.
Gemini: The passion you feel for a loved one now will be felt by others in a courtroom in twelve years.
Libra: Try not to put things off to the last minute. Specifically your diabetes medication.
Capricorn: A little charity now will pay off later after an embezzlement charge besmirches your character.
Taurus: You will find the answers within yourself... because you accidentally swallowed your cheat sheet last night.
Virgo: Speak up for yourself and others will follow. The fight for 3-ply toilet paper in the office bathroom isn't over.