Twitter Horoscopes: 09/18/17
Greetings cosmoms and cosdads. 

This week's Twitter horoscopes came directly from a higher dimension that can only be accessed by passing Go and collecting two-hundred dollars. I lost my free parking trying to get back into this reality. 


Scorpio: Try seeing things from another perspective by walking around on stilts. 

Libra: There is no prize for second place today but there is some jewelry you can steal from her dresser. 

Virgo: Don't allow others to manipulate you, especially Dr. Dizmay and his dastardly mind-control ray. 

Aquarius: Your patients will finally be rewarded when they are assigned a new doctor. 

Pisces: Wednesday brings the opportunity for a new beginning; no one would believe you survived that plane crash. 

Taurus: When you create a hole it is your responsibility to fill it up. Do your own dentistry. 

Capricorn: Advice will come from an unlikely source this week when a wise 12-year-old helps you through your breakup. 

Sagittarius: The word you can't think of on Thursday is "constigelious." 

Leo: Grow a backbone this week. You can use your two spins to make a reverse fetal position and impress your friends. 

Aries: You will get a jury summons in the mail on Tuesday. 

Cancer: With Venus passing through your constellation this week you will likely be the victim of a hot car death. 

Gemini: Don't make apologies for being yourself. Unless you're a Nazi. 


That's it for this week's horoscopes. Don't forget to follow Actual Horoscopes on Twitter to get your fortune sooner, as well as Actual Facts, Actual News, and Actual Quotes for more satirical goodies.