This week's Twitter horoscopes came directly from a higher dimension that can only be accessed by passing Go and collecting two-hundred dollars. I lost my free parking trying to get back into this reality.
Scorpio: Try seeing things from another perspective by walking around on stilts.
Libra: There is no prize for second place today but there is some jewelry you can steal from her dresser.
Virgo: Don't allow others to manipulate you, especially Dr. Dizmay and his dastardly mind-control ray.
Aquarius: Your patients will finally be rewarded when they are assigned a new doctor.
Pisces: Wednesday brings the opportunity for a new beginning; no one would believe you survived that plane crash.
Taurus: When you create a hole it is your responsibility to fill it up. Do your own dentistry.
Capricorn: Advice will come from an unlikely source this week when a wise 12-year-old helps you through your breakup.
Sagittarius: The word you can't think of on Thursday is "constigelious."
Leo: Grow a backbone this week. You can use your two spins to make a reverse fetal position and impress your friends.
Aries: You will get a jury summons in the mail on Tuesday.
Cancer: With Venus passing through your constellation this week you will likely be the victim of a hot car death.
Gemini: Don't make apologies for being yourself. Unless you're a Nazi.