Welcome to this week's "Week in Review," where you can find links to all my link-worthy material in the past week. Now, last week I promised that Legit Bible would get a new post as well, but just like that promise I made to the police that I would stop calling whenever I experience performance issues, I broke it.
I did, however, start two new parody Twitter accounts, bringing the grand total of social media profiles I'm wasting my life on to eight. Unfortunately a lot of them won't translate over to this well, but I'll post what I can.
CIRCUS KILLER NEWS:
Trump's Wall Won't Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Natural Disasters - This was the first "Trump Tuesday" post I've made in a while, and about a day after writing it Trump agreed to an immigration plan without his border wall. I like to think that the NSA hacked into my computer, read the story before it was published, and convinced the Prez to change his mind.
SPECIAL REPORT: Rosh Hashanah - Last week's "Special Report" provided an insider's look at some Jewish stuff. Essentially, "Rosh Hashanah" is exactly like "the debt ceiling" in that we hear about it every year but don't actually know what it means. Until now.
Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1) - This was the first part in my two-part series that shines a light on the most fatal thing in every state of the US. I did my due diligence as a journalist by just listing things you should be afraid of.
PARODY TWITTER ACCOUNTS:
Actual Facts - Some of last week's facts include:
Watermelons are actually legumes.
If you mix Coke and Pepsi together, they'll cancel out and become water.
Actual News - Some of last week's news headlines include:
Officer Loses Train Of Thought While Delivering Miranda Rights
Weekly Improv Class Forces Area Man To Reschedule Daily Depression Nap
Woman Assures Self Constant Aching In Most Teeth Normal
Actual Quotes - Some of last week's famous quotes include:
"It isn't the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one who pays me the most gold." - Charles Darwin
"Let them eat cake. They earned it. But only one crumb. Actually no, forget it. Let them drink water." - My Ballet Instructor
"I really need to get back to my roots." - Bearded Stranger Who Lives Under A Tree In My Backyard
Actual Bible - Some of last week's bible passages include:
With God all things are possible, for example, a talking boomerang, or a horse that's an astronaut. - Matthew 19:26
The Lord sees you when you're crying in the Dairy Queen drive-thru, and He puts extra napkins in the bag.
Love your neighbor as your cat. - Mark 12:31
That's all for now. I know this WiR is super wordy; I haven't been including any of my "Actual Quotes" posts here because I new it would force me to change the format, which you might have noticed. I want y'all to know, though, that there's always more stuff than I post here, it's just too much to put down.
But whatevs, see ya next week.