I am torturing myself, sitting here looking back at old text messages she sent me, even a couple of pictures she sent that I missed when she originally sent them. I miss her so much. I keep thinking of things I need to do, then realizing that I don't need to do them anymore. I walk around the store and see something I think she might like, and my initial instinct is to buy it, then I realize it doesn't matter. I feel like I am losing my mind. I just want her back, so much.
I'm sitting in the parking lot at a store. I've been sitting here for an hour, because once I leave it's time to go home. I don't want to go home without her being there. It is too hard.
I'm sorry I am posting so much on here. Most of you are trying to enjoy a long weekend, having fun with family and friends. I don't mean to take away from that. If you need to unfollow me I understand that. I am grateful to all of you who have been so supportive through all of this, but I understand that everyone has their limits. Just because I can't stop posting doesn't mean you have to keep reading.
I'm sorry. I'm so tired. I want to go back in time to two weeks ago, when she was still here, and make everything different. Olivia always used to ask me to take her dancing, and I would always say no. I would say "one day, maybe." I've never been much of a dancer, although I was going to surprise her and take lessons so I could dance at our wedding someday. I should have taken her dancing every single time she asked. She loved to dance, that was one of the very first things I learned about her.
Why didn't I take her dancing?
I keep having these moments where the utter reality of this washes over me, and I realize how irrevocably life has changed, and I burst into fresh waves of tears. It's like my default setting is to believe that this is a temporary situation, something that will eventually correct itself, and when the realization dawns again that this is forever, it's like I'm losing her all over again.
People keep telling me it will get easier, better, but I don't see how. When I lost my brother 17 years ago, that was the worst pain I had ever felt, up until now. He was my best friend, he was the person I trusted more than anyone else, he was a major factor in shaping the man that I was at that time.
This is different. I don't mean to diminish the pain of anyone who has lost someone close to them, I would never do that, but this is different from losing a friend, or a sibling, or even a parent. As much as any of those things can destroy someone, and would destroy me, this is different.
I had literally built my whole world around Olivia for the last seven years. Everything I am, all of my hopes, dreams, plans, were all built around her. The only aspects of my life that she didn't completely permeate were my work and the little games I would play on my phone - and even my work is shaped in some ways by her, by the vision of who I am that she created. She made me a better manager than I ever was before her, because she made me a better man.
To go on without her is... inconceivable. And that word means exactly what I think it means. I can go through the motions, sure, but life without her isn't really life, at least not one that is worth anything. There is no taste, no color, no sensation...just this dull grey emptiness.
I don't know what kind of man I will be without her beside me. And I know some will say she is always with me, but platitudes don't change the fact that I will never hold her in my arms or hear her laugh again. All of our plans, all of our hopes and dreams, they are all gone. I am alone, more alone than I was before I knew her. When I lost her, I also lost the best part of myself, and I can never get it back.
I'm sorry. I know I have a wonderful support system out there that I never knew cared so much, and I know that you all truly wish you could make my pain go away. I'm sorry if I am not seeming grateful for that, because I truly am. It just doesn't matter, though, simply because nothing matters without her.
When I first met Olivia I was in a pretty dark place, mentally and emotionally. She brought so much light and joy into my life, and she was the source of all of my happiness. Now the light is gone, the joy is gone, the happiness is gone.
This isn't to say we were the perfect couple. We had fights, of course we did, we were only human. For the most part, though, they were fairly minor, and quickly forgotten. I can only think of three truly big fights we ever had, only three times that it got so bad we came close to breaking up.
The first was a month after we met. She had planned a big, special night for us, and I told her I would be there by seven, but I didn't get there until almost 7:30. She was furious. I didn't know yet just how important it was to her to be on time and to live up to those types of expectations. I never made that mistake again, and we got past it.
The second was about six months after we started dating, and it was a two part fight. On two separate occasions she thought that I was checking out another girl while on a date with her. I wasn't. In both cases I never even noticed the girl in question was nearby, I only had eyes for her. I know that there were other times she thought it happened, but she eventually came to trust me when I told her she was the only woman I could ever want.
The third fight was the worst. It lasted for hours, maybe a couple of days even, and it was the hardest to get past. I had an old friend, a female friend, who I had once been very close to. We had never dated, although we had talked about it at one time, but the friendship was too important to take a chance of ruining. We would joke around with each other though, and sometimes those jokes could be inappropriate. Olivia found our messages in Facebook and just lost it. She felt betrayed, and although I would never have cheated on her, would never have even considered it for a moment, the fact that I made her feel that way was just as bad as if I had. It broke my heart then to think I had cause her even a moment of pain, and it breaks my heart now to know that at one point she thought she wasn't enough for me. That was five years ago, I immediately broke off all contact with that friend, because as important as she once was to me, that friendship was nothing compared to my Olivia.
I spent the next five years trying to show her that she was my everything. I would give anything and everything to take away the pain I caused her that day. I told her once "Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself, including me." And then I made her feel worse than anyone else ever could have.
I miss her so much. I wanted to spend the rest of my life showing her that she was my heart. How do I survive in this world without her?
There is a part of me that still can't completely grasp that this is really happening. This - idea - that she is gone forever...it doesn't make sense. How could she be gone? Two weeks ago today I kissed her goodnight...how could that have been the last time I would ever kiss her goodnight? Eight hours later, I hugged her and kissed her and told her I loved her, right before she left for Charlotte. how is it possible that I would never see her alive again?
It's not possible, obviously. I am stuck in some horrible nightmare, and I need to wake up. How do I wake up? How do I go back to the reality where she is still here and we still have a future and all is right with the world? How do I make that happen? Someone please tell me how...
I haven't been able to listen to music since I lost her. Music has always been such an important part of my life, and now it holds no joy for me. When I am in my car I ride in silence, or more likely I talk to her, in the vain hope that she can hear me.
When we first started dating, I would sit with her sometimes and just play music, introduce her to artists and songs that meant something to me, tell her the stories of why they meant so much. Over the years, certain songs began to take on new meaning, they were attached to moments in our life together. There are some songs I can never listen to again. Layla, Desert Rose, Free Falling, When I'm 64, anything by U2 or Enigma. Hell, I don't know if I can ever listen to Prince again.
I know she would want me to listen to the songs and let them remind me of the good times we had, the love we shared, the wonderful memories we made. But all I can do is hurt. It hurts so much. I miss her so so much.
It isn't fair. She was such a genuinely good person. She always did things the right way, she had a kind heart, she deserved so much better than this. I just...I can't wrap my head around it. I can't get myself to accept that this is real.
I made the mistake of looking at old pictures a little while ago. I see her, I remember so vividly taking those pictures, remember the trip, the weather, the things we talked about, and then I realize that I will never take anymore pictures of her again. It's not right, it's not fair, and I can't accept it.
I keep saying I want her back. That's not entirely accurate, though. I need her back. Everyone keeps telling me I will make it through this, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to get to a point where I am okay with this. I don't want to get through this, I want to erase this, make it not real. I want a do-over, a mulligan, a reset. And if I can't have that, then I don't want to settle for "getting through it."
I promised her that it would all be okay, and I couldn't keep that promise. I couldn't protect her. I deserve to feel this, all of it, and I don't want to get through it.
I'm going back to work today, for the first time since I lost her. I've been here a few times since then, but this is the first day I will actually be working. I don't know how it is going to go, but at least it will give me something to focus on for a while.
I visited her on my way in to work. It hurts so much to stand there, talking to a patch of ground, knowing that she is under there. It tears me up inside, and I beg her to come back to me. I miss her so much, I love her so much, I can't handle any of this.
Everyone at work keeps trying to tell me how sorry they are, how willing they are to talk if I want to. I appreciate it, I really do, but part of the reason I came back here today is to try to focus on something other than what happened. I'm trying to get away from my pain, and everyone keeps insisting on ripping off the bandage to see the wounds.
I've managed to make it halfway through my day and only broken down in tears three times. Well, since I've been here, at least. We won't count the three or four times before I came in today. I just can't get any of it to matter. The love of my life is gone...what do I care if someone spent too much time in ACW or forgot to offer a survey reminder? It's all meaningless.
I would always come out to the smoking area on break and text or call her. Just now I walked out to the smoking area and reached for the phone to text her. FML.
Tomorrow will make two weeks, and I still struggle with the reality of all of this. I still grab my phone with the intention of sending her a text, only to realize that she is really gone. There is a part of me that still sees this as temporary, as if she is merely out of town and will be back at some point. It destroys me again each time.
It's just so... surreal. One day we are trying to decide what hotel to stay at on a beach trip since our normal choice is booked up, the next day I am adjusting to a life that no longer includes her.
I think that what makes it even worse is not having a definitive answer about what caused the accident. We'll likely never know and that kills me. Did she fall asleep? Did something run out in front of her? Did someone force her off the road? Did she get distracted by something?
One of my biggest fears is that it was the text message I sent her telling her I would call her later that caused it. From what we've been told the accident happened 30-40 minutes after I sent that text, but what if it was delayed reaching her until then, or she had just gotten around to checking it? I don't know, but even the thought that I could have been responsible for this...
I want to call her, talk to her, hear her voice. I've only gone this long without hearing her voice once in the seven years we were together. Last year she spent some time out of the country, and I went three weeks without talking to her. It was terrible. To know that I will never hear her again except in videos...I can't take it. I want her back. I need her back. My life, my world, my heart is incomplete without her.
Over the last 24 years, since I was 18, I have had three serious long term relationships. The first one started when I was 18 and lasted just under 2 years, the second one started when I was 22 and lasted 10 years, and then there was Olivia. When I met her 7 years ago I had been alone for almost 2 years, and I was finally coming to a point where I was comfortable being alone. She changed that.
Once I met her, I knew my life would never be complete without her beside me. She changed me, made me want to be a better man, and helped me figure out how to achieve that. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. And then, with no warning, it all ended.
I can't go back to the man I was before I met her. He doesn't exist anymore. And the man I am now is completely defined by my relationship with her. So what do I do now? I don't want to know who I am after her. The version of me that had her in my life is my best me.
I miss her more every day. I want her back.
I keep hearing that it will get better, just take it a day at a time, all of these platitudes that are well-meaning but don't help. Every day, though, every minute, I feel this growing sense of despair, this overwhelming emptiness, and the pain just gets worse and worse. I can't breathe.
When she started the job down in Charlotte, I got into the habit of calling her around this time of day. She would have just gotten back to the hotel and I would be on my way to lunch, and I would give her a call and she would tell me about her day. Walking to my car just now I automatically reached for my phone to call her, and then broke down in tears again. I miss her so much. I miss being able to call her and hear about her day. I want her back. I can't do this, I can't handle it, it's too much. I'm not strong enough to make it through this. I can't go on without her beside me. How am I supposed to carry on?
Stupid little memories keep seeping in out of nowhere. I remember standing on the front porch at the first apartment I had here in Greensboro, watch her pull up in the parking lot and feeling so happy to see her. I remember surprising her at the door with a birthday cake, candles and all, on one of my trips up from Charlotte when I still lived down there. I remember sitting on the bedroom floor listening to music and playing cards. I remember watching the sunrise over the ocean from our balcony, on our first trip to the beach together. I remember how excited she got when I told her we were going on that trip. I remember holding her hand on our second date, and marveling at how prefect and lovely her fingers were. I remember after the accident that left the scar on the back of her right hand how sad she was when she asked me if I still thought her hands were pretty, and how relieved she was when I kissed both hands and told her they were beautiful. I remember her running ahead of me down the hall so that she could hide behind the door to the stairwell and try to "scare" me.
These memories used to fill my heart with warmth and love. Now they fill me with sorrow, as I think about all of the memories we never got a chance to make.She tried so hard to make very day we had together special. On my days off I would ask her what she wanted to do, and her reply was always, "It doesn't matter, I just want to be with you." I miss her so much. My heart is so empty.
Even my car is full of memories. The night I bought this car we drove down to Glencairn Gardens in Rock Hill, opened up the back, and sat in the back looking at the stars. The pocket of both doors are full of window hangers from hotels we have stayed at on our various trips. There'sa little compartment under the radio, I don't know what it's for but two packs of cigarettes fit in there perfectly. What is actually in that compartment is a miniature magic 8 ball that she hid there five years ago. The center console has a huge fake ruby that she won from a quarter machine at the movie theater. The telescope she got me for Christmas three years ago is in the back seat. There are strands of her hair on the headrest of the passenger seat.
I might be losing my mind. I've cried so much today that I have a headache from it. I thought I was going to be relatively okay today, I only cried twice before I went to work, and one of those times was when I went to visit her on my way in. Then I got to work and there was a letter on my desk from one of the ladies that works downstairs, offering her condolences and prayers, and I lost it and have been a mess the rest of the day.
I used to love taking her out to the movies. Whenever I would suggest a super hero movie she would always groan and act uninterested, but she would say "I don't care, I just want to be with you." Then we would leave the movie and she would say how great it was, and how much fun it was, and she would say "You chose well, as always." And then whenever she would ball at the next super hero movie I would remind her how much she liked the last one, and she would say "eh, it was ok, I guess. As long as I'm with you I'll enjoy it."
Today I would have been dragging her out to see Wonder Woman. Part of me thinks that I should go see it, just to try to feel normal for a minute, but another part of me can't imagine going to see a movie without her. I don't know what to do.
I took this picture on our first trip to the beach together, 7 years ago. We were both tired, but it was still a wonderful trip. We ended up watching the sun rise over the ocean...I miss her so much...
She was so proud of this article.
Whenever I would leave for work, if she was home she would come to the window and wave to me as I was getting into my car. She hated to see me leave, she would always say the apartment only feels like home when you're here.
This apartment doesn't feel like home, not at all. She'll never wave to me from the window again. I'm hurting so bad, I miss her so much. I want her back.
Her family just came and took her clothes, her books, her bed, all of her personal belongings that I hadn't already set aside for myself. They let me keep our living room furniture, and I usually slept in the other room anyway because of the odd hours I keep.
Packing up her things, her memories...omg, I'm dying inside right now. How is this real? How is my love really gone? Her bedroom is so empty now, just a treadmill and a clothes rack left to show she ever lived there. I want to scream, I want to collapse...I miss her so much.
She was so sweet and kind and loving and thoughtful. She loved videos of bunnies. Oh god she loved bunny videos. Whenever we would talk on the phone she would always tell me to hold BonBon and tickle him under his armpit because "he's just a little bunny, he needs to be loved."
I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to hold her in my arms and never let go and tell her that I love her. I want to feel her hair tickling my nose, and I want even complain. I want her back. I don't want to do this without her. Please, someone, wake me up and tell me it isn't real.
Our last trip to the park. If it seems like I am wearing the same shirt in a lot of our pictures, it's because that was her favorite shirt of mine. I tried to make sure I wore it when we went out, because she liked the way it looked on me. I miss her so much.