So I've gone to see a Psychologist. A short telling of my life experiences, well, in an hour you can't really say all that much, but the gist of it comes across. When they ask about your online dealings, just use the blanket term "Culture", if you're not comfortable admitting that you are an internet dragon to a total stranger, we don't have to do that part, it is a comfort zone.
A few important realizations have come of this visit, and I write them even as my body is having a reaction all without my own input in the matter, pearling water and wetting my clothes.
As I sat there with the professional before me, outlining a series of steps I could perform, they pointed out to me that even as they were standing there, trying to help me, I had tried to interject that one of those steps might cover a bit more. In essence I had sabotaged the plan before it was even completely written out. Sabotaging myself. The work of an inner critic I was told. A critic that needed to be given form, and indeed be recognized for what it is.
So what does an inner critic look like? Is it a dragon? Well no, that's me. Is it a little shoulder demon, constantly whispering little negative remarks, constantly undermining even the best laid of plans. Probably not. The inner critic is a defensive mechanism, supposed to protect you from the outside world, and help you against making bad decisions, however it's purpose has been corrupted, it chooses to take a far larger role in the decision making process and thus causes the symptoms I experience.
I mean the above is just my take on the matter, the professional only told me of the existence of the critic and to give it form.
So a benevolent creature that out of a sense of protection overextends it's purpose and causes you pain, suffering, dashing your plans, like a sheep dog that keeps you corralled in your own mind, fearful of letting your thoughts blossom, your mind free because of "what ifs".
So what about the meat of the matter?
The plans I were busy sabotaging is a project that I've been thinking about doing for a while, it is a simple one, and broken into little steps it forms a potential start for learning to teach the critic that everything is all right. That they can let go of this iron grip and let us roam. Small successes as it is called. That is; do a thing, pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Then do the next thing.
So I am going to make a little plant watering gadget. The first step was making a list of requirements.
* 1 Particle Photon - Wifi enabled computer on a chip. Tiny and awesome.
* 1 Power supply to drive this, USB? Or perhaps 12 volts to drive the pumps?
* 2 Soil Moisture Sensors
* 2 Peristaltic Pumps for accurate water measurement.
* Breadboard and wires to connect it all.
It kind of shows the depth of this hole I find myself in, that even something like this, an afternoon project, something this innocuous is sabotaged by the inner critic, but no, this is a plan, a job well done. The next step is ordering the components I am still missing.