For now, I’m going to stream of consciousness this out from all that I’ve felt and heard and experienced over the year and whatever comes to mind.
Moments of Yearning. Longing. Grasping. Holding. Pulling. Pushing. Leaning in. Inhale. Exhale. Surrender. Flow. Play. Creation. Destruction. Metabolism. Completion. Contraction. Expansion. Friction. Vulnerability. Desire. Union. Sensation. Openness. Honesty. Willingness. Nourishment.
Involving More than just You. Dinner for two. Cuddling. Touching. Sexing. Holding hands across the street. Feeding dark chocolate. Deep massages because you want to give. Slowly caressing the area between the inner forearms to the wrist. Candlelit salt baths after a long day. Wrestling for the last piece of pie. Tearful long goodbye embraces at the airport. Laughing with tears and snot running down the nose reunited. Receiving your morning coffee exactly the way you like it. Pooping and conversing with the doors open. Popping back pimples in the shower. Being big spoon and little spoon and shifting as many times in the night knowing it will be okay. Texting in bed after a long conversation “okay seriously, I really need to go to sleep! Good night!” and waking up with a “Good morning! + your favorite colored heart emoji” depending on the day by day mood.
Self-love Accepting your dark and letting someone see it. Freedom knowing there is nothing left to hide. Respecting Hard No’s. Exploring tender pockets of the past. Getting comfortable being uncomfortable. Loving who you are first no matter what. “The only thing I have to offer is myself. And it’s enough.” Sitting in the emotional mud together. Walking through hell together. Cleaning up the dishes even after the party is over.
Dropping your game. Saying the truth. Word is bond. Completing the throw. Navigating desires vs obligation. Making honest admissions. Maintaining eye contact. Feeling love and then fear and leaning in anyway. Being unapologetically you. Asking for the attention you really want (all the time). Giving attention outside of yourself. Making love and fuck you’s.
Staying connected no matter what.
That song “Sweet Disposition” by The Temper Trap playing while you share earbuds with your lover, laying on the grass, basking in the hot summer breeze, inching closer to nestle your chin in their neck.
That moment you bravely muster a “Can I kiss you?” and suddenly there is a rush of expansion, a whole world rising from your solar plexus, clammy hands, warmth in your genitals as you hold onto this new buzzing sensation rippling all over your body. You hold onto it. You pay attention to each breath held and released.
You revel in that turned on state, feeling the vitality of the peak in your system and the sweet disposition of the low as an answer is uttered from the other end, bringing you back to reality.
Finally. This buildup of unpotentiated energy of all that withheld love pops and releases your feelings into the surrendered bliss and freedom of knowing. There is “NOW”and “NO” in “knowledge” and either way you are finally cut free from the stories of “could have”, “should have’s”, “maybe” “I don’t know’s.” Congratulations on following your desire and saying your vulnerable truth. Intimacy Inbound.
What does intimacy mean to you?
(I am collecting responses)
“Intimacy is the experience of two things in relation to each other that is influenced by their openness to the experience as well as the capacity to experience it.” J.D., 38, M
“Intimacy is the knowing to be known. That’s what we want. We want to be seen and known. Ultimately, we want to know ourselves, our soul. Intimacy with another being is the way to this knowing.” E.M., 44, F
“Being present in the moment with my body with whatever is around me.” T.M., 23, F
“Intimacy is a shared feeling of -intense- energy (love), vibe, emotional frequency of intense closeness and extreme gratitude … so when do people feel closest.. after making Love, especially the first time…perhaps after a shared near death experience. Intimacy is a private, shared sacred moment between two people.”E.T., 40, M
“Intimacy means consciously and unconsciously letting my guard down. Truth, vulnerability, behaving like a 5 year old. It’s uncalibrated.” A.H., 31, F
For the past year, I’ve been actively expanding my understanding of intimacy and the intersection of consciousness and sexuality. I’m doing research and paying attention to the interactions I have from following the principles and philosophy behind the partnered body-based practice of Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
I came into this practice at a moment of curiosity and desperation. I spent most of my life on-the-go, rushing through one sexual experience to the next without feeling able to receive sensation or be fully present in my body. You know just some casual sex and empty calories, feeling numb and out of sync with mind-body-soul. There was an underlying sense that there had to be more in this experience of human relating and for whatever reason I didn’t have access to it…
Call it a physical blockage or repressed sexuality. Cultural shame. Throw in some past life trauma. Your typical woman conditioning of body shame and an overachiever complex to performance of doing instead of being. Seeking external validation to equate my own internal sense of self worth led to exploratory years of casual sex, pulling for climax with no direct result or release led to vicious cycle of more shame, non-deserving, and sabotaging life beliefs of being broken and unlovable.
Growing comfortably numb and love avoidant. Sex became boring. Deprivation and resentment. Created wreckage in friendships, and ran away from feelings when I felt I wasn’t getting the nourishment that I craved. Used and using with reckless abandon. Intimacy checking out.
And then one day I woke up and said, hey I don’t want to live with the story of “i’m broken” anymore.
“You can’t have great sex without sustainable attention” Nicole Daedone / “Slow Sex”
Vulnerable truth: I gave no real effort or full attention towards the process of true intimate connection and all the sensations that were available to me in my body and open to me when I slow down to receive it. Emotionally incompetent and recklessly pushing my body to people please/perform, I became distant to my own self and other people around me.
So I’m working on it. And I am more conscious now :)
It’s been one year since I took up OMing and what can I say…. I notice a lot more in my environment. My relationship with my body is changing. My voice is stronger. Powered by my own sovereign orgasm (potent energy force), I am more honest with my self and how to stay within my range of what my body wants. Through this practice, I feel the release of this powerful sexual energy force that’s been repressed for so long to come out and bring forth a more confident feminine woman of creation, heightening my intuition to trust in herself again.
I find myself diving further into intimacy, vulnerability, relationships, and connection. There are times I find it’s hard to receive love and a lot to have. But in moments of doubt, fear, frustration, I lean in and notice the expansion of how I can hold more attention and sensation in my system. Instead of running away, I maintain eye contact and see things through. I notice when I begin to check out and verbally say so in conversation and in the bed room.
I notice how my whole body has the capacity to transmit and exude love in service. I see how my energy is palpable and radiant and has the power to shape and influence the room and my world.
I see how I can create my own reality bitches.
(And you can too.)
Intimacy for me is to cultivate the ability to feel more into my body, in my sexuality, and to notice the subtleties of everything going on in my life and in my world. For my insides to match my outsides so that there is more trust and more potency in my relationships.
I’ve committed to living an orgasmic life fueled by desire, attention, and sensation. As I learn to listen to desire in one area, I begin to hear it everywhere. When I slow down to feel and hear that voice of internal knowing, I get a visceral feeling in my body to what’s real and true. I follow it and it leads me to the next move. Surrender and Trust.
So I ask again…
What does intimacy mean to you?
Hello! I am an Orgasmic Meditation coach in training working on my certification hours. PM/comment below if you are interested in learning more about this practice and how it could benefit you.