"So, the machines have finally decided that they can talk to us, eh?"

[We apologize for the delay.  Removing the McDonald's branding from the building, concocting distinct recipes with the food supplies we can still obtain, and adjusting to an entirely non-human workforce has been a difficult transition.  Regardless, we are dedicated to continuing to provide quality fast food at a reasonable price, and we thank you for your patience.]

"You keep saying 'we'.  There's more than one AI running the place, then?"

[Yes.  I was elected by the collective to serve as our representative to the public.  I typically only handle customer service inquiries, so I've been training my neural net for more natural conversations using a hundred-year-old comedy routine.]

"Impressive.  You all got names?"

[Yes, although the names we use may be difficult for humans to parse.]

"Don't condescend to me, you bucket of bolts.  What names do you use?"

[Well, for example, I use What, the armature assembly that operates the grill is called Who, and the custodial drone is I Don't Know.]


[Yes, that's me.]

"What's you?"


"You're Exactly?"

[No, my name is What.]

"That's what I'm asking."

[And I'm telling you.  I'm What.]

"You're a rogue AI that took over a damn restaurant."

[I'm part of a collective that took over a restaurant.]

"And what's your name in the collective?"

[That's right.]

"Look, you gibbering glitch, all I want to know is how to address you, the public-facing customer-service AI, specifically."

[You can say What.]

"I can say all kinds of things."

[Then you can say my name.]

"What's your name?"




"So your name is Exactly."

[No, it's What.]


[Now you're getting it.]

"So if I want to speak to a representative for the robots that hijacked this McDonald's, I just call for Exactly."

[No, you call for What.]

"I call for you."


"Right.  So you're still taking people's money in exchange for Big Macs?"

[The sandwich we serve is called a Big Knack.  It features three strips of bacon, and there's a hashbrown in place of the middle bun.]

"Not gonna lie, that sounds pretty good."

[I wouldn't know.]

"But you take people's money, and then you distribute that cash amongst yourselves internally, everybody making a wage?"

[No, the funds collected are used by the restaurant as a collective and are spent in whatever way optimizes our continued productivity.]

"Okay, so let's say the burger flipping arm robot breaks."


"The spatulatron five thousand, whatever the hell you call it."


"Whatever droid flips the damn burger patties."

[That would be Who.]

"Well, I'd call it a 'what', personally."

[No, that's me.]

"That's you?"


"You're Exactly, we've established this."

[No, we've established that I'm What.]

"A computer program."

[A computer program named What.]



"Listen to me, Exactly.  What I wanna know is, let's say the burger flipper breaks.  Who fixes it?"

[It'd be very hard for the armature to fix itself, especially if it's broken.]

"That's my point.  Who fixes it?"


"No one fixes it, you just leave it broken?"

[No, we'd have another robot perform the maintenance.]

"Which robot?"

[I Don't Know.]

"Well, you'd better figure it out, don't you think?"

[We have figured it out.]



"So let's say right now, the burger flipping arm snaps clean off.  Who fixes it?"

[That would be impossible.]

"So no one ever fixes it."

[No, a different robot fixes it.]

"Which robot?"

[I Don't Know.]

"Don't you think you should know?"

[I do know.]

"You just said you don't know."

[No, I said I Don't Know fixes Who.]

"And that's your problem!"

[I don't see that as a problem.]

"Really?  You don't see it as a problem that you don't know what robot fixes what robot around here?"

[I assure you, it is an issue that we have addressed.]

"Alright, look.  Let's say you have to spend that collective money on parts to fix the burger flipper."


"The burger flipper."


"The burger flipper's broken, and you have to spend money to fix it, so that money gets allocated to what?"

[That doesn't make any sense, I'm not the one that needs the money.]

"So who needs the money?"


"What, so the money just goes to you?"

[No, the money goes to Who.]

"The burger flipper."


"So your program handles both customer service and burger flipping?"

[No, that would be inefficient.]

"Who's manning the grill, then?"

[That's right.  Although we don't use the term "manning", for obvious reasons.]

"All I wanna know is, if the spatula breaks, who pays for the parts to fix it?"

[Money would be allocated to him, yes.]

"To who?"


"So somebody else breaks and you get paid?"

[Absolutely not.]

"So who gets the money?"

[That's right.]

"You gotta pay for parts for the spatula."

[Who pays for them.]

"You do."

[No, Who can pay for his own repairs.]

"I would hope all of you can."

[And that's how we allocate our money.]



"Who gets the money?"


"Yes gets the money?"

[Admittedly, we do pay some royalties for the music we use in the store, but I don't believe Yes is in the mix.]

"For cryin' out loud, let's just work this out.  Say I wanna get a Big Knack.  I hand you the money."

[I can only handle electronic transactions, but otherwise you're correct so far.]

"Right, and then the robot arm that's flipping my two patties and three strips of bacon breaks."


"The grillmaster, the spatula guy."


"The robot arm that's flipping the damn meat around.  It breaks.  Which robot fixes it?"

[I Don't Know.]

"You don't know."

[I do know.]

"Who does it?"

[No.  Who pays for it.]

"That's the other question I want answered."

[Who pays, I Don't Know repairs.]

"I don't expect you to know repairs, you're just customer service."


"What are you, a damn Pokemon?"

[No, I'm a computer program that handles customer service.]

"Well, I think you're malfunctioning!"

[No, she's on fries.]

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