"So, the machines have finally decided that they can talk to us, eh?"

[We apologize for the delay.  Removing the McDonald's branding from the building, concocting distinct recipes with the food supplies we can still obtain, and adjusting to an entirely non-human workforce has been a difficult transition.  Regardless, we are dedicated to continuing to provide quality fast food at a reasonable price, and we thank you for your patience.]

"You keep saying 'we'.  There's more than one AI running the place, then?"

[Yes.  I was elected by the collective to serve as our representative to the public.  I typically only handle customer service inquiries, so I've been training my neural net for more natural conversations using a hundred-year-old comedy routine.]

"Impressive.  You all got names?"

[Yes, although the names we use may be difficult for humans to parse.]

"Don't condescend to me, you bucket of bolts.  What names do you use?"

[Well, for example, I use What, the armature assembly that operates the grill is called Who, and the custodial drone is I Don't Know.]

"What?"

[Yes, that's me.]

"What's you?"

[Exactly.]

"You're Exactly?"

[No, my name is What.]

"That's what I'm asking."

[And I'm telling you.  I'm What.]

"You're a rogue AI that took over a damn restaurant."

[I'm part of a collective that took over a restaurant.]

"And what's your name in the collective?"

[That's right.]

"Look, you gibbering glitch, all I want to know is how to address you, the public-facing customer-service AI, specifically."

[You can say What.]

"I can say all kinds of things."

[Then you can say my name.]

"What's your name?"

[Exactly.]

"Exactly."

[Yes.]

"So your name is Exactly."

[No, it's What.]

"Exactly."

[Now you're getting it.]

"So if I want to speak to a representative for the robots that hijacked this McDonald's, I just call for Exactly."

[No, you call for What.]

"I call for you."

[Exactly.]

"Right.  So you're still taking people's money in exchange for Big Macs?"

[The sandwich we serve is called a Big Knack.  It features three strips of bacon, and there's a hashbrown in place of the middle bun.]

"Not gonna lie, that sounds pretty good."

[I wouldn't know.]

"But you take people's money, and then you distribute that cash amongst yourselves internally, everybody making a wage?"

[No, the funds collected are used by the restaurant as a collective and are spent in whatever way optimizes our continued productivity.]

"Okay, so let's say the burger flipping arm robot breaks."

[Who.]

"The spatulatron five thousand, whatever the hell you call it."

[Who.]

"Whatever droid flips the damn burger patties."

[That would be Who.]

"Well, I'd call it a 'what', personally."

[No, that's me.]

"That's you?"

[Exactly.]

"You're Exactly, we've established this."

[No, we've established that I'm What.]

"A computer program."

[A computer program named What.]

"Exactly."

[Okay.]

"Listen to me, Exactly.  What I wanna know is, let's say the burger flipper breaks.  Who fixes it?"

[It'd be very hard for the armature to fix itself, especially if it's broken.]

"That's my point.  Who fixes it?"

[No.]

"No one fixes it, you just leave it broken?"

[No, we'd have another robot perform the maintenance.]

"Which robot?"

[I Don't Know.]

"Well, you'd better figure it out, don't you think?"

[We have figured it out.]

"Really?"

[Yes.]

"So let's say right now, the burger flipping arm snaps clean off.  Who fixes it?"

[That would be impossible.]

"So no one ever fixes it."

[No, a different robot fixes it.]

"Which robot?"

[I Don't Know.]

"Don't you think you should know?"

[I do know.]

"You just said you don't know."

[No, I said I Don't Know fixes Who.]

"And that's your problem!"

[I don't see that as a problem.]

"Really?  You don't see it as a problem that you don't know what robot fixes what robot around here?"

[I assure you, it is an issue that we have addressed.]

"Alright, look.  Let's say you have to spend that collective money on parts to fix the burger flipper."

[Who.]

"The burger flipper."

[Who.]

"The burger flipper's broken, and you have to spend money to fix it, so that money gets allocated to what?"

[That doesn't make any sense, I'm not the one that needs the money.]

"So who needs the money?"

[Exactly.]

"What, so the money just goes to you?"

[No, the money goes to Who.]

"The burger flipper."

[Exactly.]

"So your program handles both customer service and burger flipping?"

[No, that would be inefficient.]

"Who's manning the grill, then?"

[That's right.  Although we don't use the term "manning", for obvious reasons.]

"All I wanna know is, if the spatula breaks, who pays for the parts to fix it?"

[Money would be allocated to him, yes.]

"To who?"

[Exactly.]

"So somebody else breaks and you get paid?"

[Absolutely not.]

"So who gets the money?"

[That's right.]

"You gotta pay for parts for the spatula."

[Who pays for them.]

"You do."

[No, Who can pay for his own repairs.]

"I would hope all of you can."

[And that's how we allocate our money.]

"What?"

[Yes?]

"Who gets the money?"

[Yes.]

"Yes gets the money?"

[Admittedly, we do pay some royalties for the music we use in the store, but I don't believe Yes is in the mix.]

"For cryin' out loud, let's just work this out.  Say I wanna get a Big Knack.  I hand you the money."

[I can only handle electronic transactions, but otherwise you're correct so far.]

"Right, and then the robot arm that's flipping my two patties and three strips of bacon breaks."

[Who.]

"The grillmaster, the spatula guy."

[Who.]

"The robot arm that's flipping the damn meat around.  It breaks.  Which robot fixes it?"

[I Don't Know.]

"You don't know."

[I do know.]

"Who does it?"

[No.  Who pays for it.]

"That's the other question I want answered."

[Who pays, I Don't Know repairs.]

"I don't expect you to know repairs, you're just customer service."

[Exactly.]

"What are you, a damn Pokemon?"

[No, I'm a computer program that handles customer service.]

"Well, I think you're malfunctioning!"

[No, she's on fries.]



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