Why Hollywood won't cast Cry-tan The Beast from Land of Wind and Shadows anymore
 
 

Cry-tan  The Beast from Land of Wind and Shadows was at one point the toast of  Hollywood, but these days you don't see its name in lights. It was in  the movies from The Land before Time and How to Lose a Guy in 10 days.  What happened? Why did Cry-tan The Beast from Land of wind and Shadows  become such a pariah in Hollywood? Well it's down to these reasons:

 One. 

 Several  high-profile bombs from its directorial debut of which has the odd  casting of Renée Zellweger, Ernie Hudson, and Cry-tan The Beast from  Land of Wind and Shadows in a love triangle set in 1920s Shanghai. It  was widely considered to be an expensive ego trip on Cry-tan's  part.

Two.

 Out  of the beast's left eye radiated warmth, but out of its right eye  radiated the unknowable fear of living in the universe that does not  care for you. Needless to say, this trait made it hard to get it cast in  leading roles. Often when watching one of the Beast from the Land of  Wind and Shadows movies, people would say that they felt the pain of  losing their first dog while watching Cry-tan.

Three.

 Cry-tan's  controversial speech at the 1998 Golden Globes where the Beast from the  Land of Wind and Shadows made a long rambling speech about the politics  of Israel - needless to say  many Hollywood insiders did not appreciate  Cry-tan's  ideas on how the Six-Day War could have ended in two days.  It was such a horrific speech that they have never shown it in public  again. 

Four. 

 It's relationship to Jennifer Lopez.  Nobody needs to see that stuff. If we want to see a beautiful lady and  her beyond-the-veil-of-understanding choice making out with each other,  we will, you know, watch Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas.

 Five.

 Winning  an Oscar over Leonardo DiCaprio - yes it was in the middle of that  never ending complaint about Leonardo DiCaprio not winning an Oscar, and  true to form Cry-tan The Beast from Land of Wind and Shadows is able to  win best supporting actor for its role in the film. Oh my god. Oh my  god. What have we done? An unedited test footage from an experimental  lab in Area 51 or What's Eating Gilbert Grape really couldn't compete  with that.


 Cry-tan The Beast from Land of Wind and Shadows, although it doesn't get its name above the title, has been happy and has now moved on to smaller indie projects and is raising its children Yu-tan and Zu-tan.