It was becoming increasingly clear to me that Sol/Jesus and God wanted me to write about my experiences. God was putting me in situations when I was using the legal dissociative to cope with my anxiety where I had bad experiences instead of the complete relaxation that helped me calm down my anxiety and come down from the wired, angry, inconsolable person I became when I got overwhelmed. I sensed God’s anger clearly once when I was shown what the world would be like if the dead planet/the devil were to take over. In this experience it seemed that radical Islam took over the world; something that made sense to me because I knew that Islam was associated with moon worship. In one scary vision I saw an ex-muslim Iranian secularist activist abducted by Islamic fundamentalists; this was someone whose work I had been following for years and whom I respected more than anyone working for freedom for dissidents and the right to free speech in Islamic theocracies.
The Sun/Jesus still kept loving me through this and giving me encouragement. To be in the presence of the Sun God was something that gave me an indescribable peace each time I experienced it. Most of the time I feel completely incapable of describing it adequately. Sol always seemed to appear to me in my minds eye as an undulating field of liquid yellow waves; this is how I knew that it was the Sun God who was approaching me because the color and quality of my surroundings turned golden yellow and had a gaseous quality, my immediate environment became an undulating field of golden sunshine. In each instance he surrounded my soul until I became a part of him, until there was no separation between he and I. Each time this happened, and he shared with me his unworldly calm and peace, I felt as though there was nothing I could have done on Earth that would have allowed me to be deserving of this.
In the first episode of the Spanish language series Hijos de las Estrellas, “Secrets of the Sun”, scientists talk about the quality of the Sun itself, noting that it is not solid and were it not so hot one could travel right through it; they also note that the Sun has a kind of ‘heartbeat’ that occurs once every five minutes or so. I know from my experiences on the dissociative that time goes much slower in the spirit world than it does on our planet; I had to wonder if the spirit world is in tune with Sol’s heartbeat and if this is why I felt so incredibly calm and at peace whenever he would appear to me and join his being to my soul so that there was no separation and let me experience the wonderful sense of comfort and safety that came from being a part of God. I even saw and felt his presence in times when I was not using the dissociative; in these experiences he would fill the room with a beautiful yellow light that was incredibly comforting to experience.
I feel like I could fill pages with gratitude in talking about how beautiful this experience of being part of God felt to me and what it did for me in terms of calming my soul and giving me a peace I had never felt, but words seem completely inadequate to describe it. While I no longer use the legal dissociative I will never forget what that feeling is like; in one of the final experiences I was allowed to linger in this state, seemingly in heaven, for much longer than usual, watching people go about their day in the sunshine so slowly and peacefully seemingly with no anxiety or haste. I have remorse that I did not feel adequate enough to write about these experiences though Sol tried using love to give me the courage to do so; in one visitation after joining his sunshine to my soul he created the most beautiful yellow garland, seemingly of liquid sunshine and beautiful metallic pastel flowers, above my computer and draped down on either side. I went and sat at my computer for the longest time that night and nothing would come out. I couldn’t believe the depth of my own emptiness inside, something I had no idea was even there.
It was not until having these experiences of peace and fullness that I was able to feel the strange deadness inside of me that I just could not have sensed before. I regret that even this experience did not move me as it should have, though I was awed by the profound beauty of it; instead it took much more negative and frightening experiences later on in which I was shown the opposite of what the Sun God wanted for the Earth and how much he loves his children; I was shown what the dead planet/the moon, would do to us given half a chance. It makes me sad that fear was a greater motivator to me than love, maybe that is just in my nature or human nature in general; in any event with fear behind me driving me forward I finally began to try putting these experiences down in words.
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