Writer's Block
 
 

It was becoming increasingly clear to me that Sol/Jesus and God  wanted me to write about my experiences. God was putting me in  situations when I was using the legal dissociative to cope with my  anxiety where I had bad experiences instead of the complete relaxation  that helped me calm down my anxiety and come down from the wired, angry,  inconsolable person I became when I got overwhelmed. I sensed God’s  anger clearly once when I was shown what the world would be like if the  dead planet/the devil were to take over. In this experience it seemed  that radical Islam took over the world; something that made sense to me  because I knew that Islam was associated with moon worship. In one scary  vision I saw an ex-muslim Iranian secularist activist abducted by  Islamic fundamentalists; this was someone whose work I had been  following for years and whom I respected more than anyone working for  freedom for dissidents and the right to free speech in Islamic  theocracies.
The Sun/Jesus still kept loving me through this and giving me  encouragement. To be in the presence of the Sun God was something that  gave me an indescribable peace each time I experienced it. Most of the  time I feel completely incapable of describing it adequately. Sol always  seemed to appear to me in my minds eye as an undulating field of liquid  yellow waves; this is how I knew that it was the Sun God who was  approaching me because the color and quality of my surroundings turned  golden yellow and had a gaseous quality, my immediate environment became  an undulating field of golden sunshine. In each instance he surrounded  my soul until I became a part of him, until there was no separation  between he and I. Each time this happened, and he shared with me his  unworldly calm and peace, I felt as though there was nothing I could  have done on Earth that would have allowed me to be deserving of this.

In the first episode of the Spanish language series Hijos de las Estrellas, “Secrets  of the Sun”, scientists talk about the quality of the Sun itself,  noting that it is not solid and were it not so hot one could travel  right through it; they also note that the Sun has a kind of ‘heartbeat’  that occurs once every five minutes or so. I know from my experiences on  the dissociative that time goes much slower in the spirit world than it  does on our planet; I had to wonder if the spirit world is in tune with  Sol’s heartbeat and if this is why I felt so incredibly calm and at  peace whenever he would appear to me and join his being to my soul so  that there was no separation and let me experience the wonderful sense  of comfort and safety that came from being a part of God. I even saw and  felt his presence in times when I was not using the dissociative; in  these experiences he would fill the room with a beautiful yellow light  that was incredibly comforting to experience.

I feel like I could fill pages with gratitude in talking about how  beautiful this experience of being part of God felt to me and what it  did for me in terms of calming my soul and giving me a peace I had never  felt, but words seem completely inadequate to describe it. While I no  longer use the legal dissociative I will never forget what that feeling  is like; in one of the final experiences I was allowed to linger in this  state, seemingly in heaven, for much longer than usual, watching people  go about their day in the sunshine so slowly and peacefully seemingly  with no anxiety or haste. I have remorse that I did not feel adequate  enough to write about these experiences though Sol tried using love to  give me the courage to do so;  in one visitation after joining his  sunshine to my soul he created the most beautiful yellow garland,  seemingly of liquid sunshine and beautiful metallic pastel flowers,  above my computer and draped down on either side. I went and sat at my  computer for the longest time that night and nothing would come out. I  couldn’t believe the depth of my own emptiness inside, something I had  no idea was even there.

It was not until having these experiences of peace and fullness that I  was able to feel the strange deadness inside of me that I just could  not have sensed before. I regret that even this experience did not move  me as it should have, though I was awed by the profound beauty of it;  instead it took much more negative and frightening experiences later on  in which I was shown the opposite of what the Sun God wanted for the  Earth and how much he loves his children; I was shown what the dead  planet/the moon, would do to us given half a chance. It makes me sad  that fear was a greater motivator to me than love, maybe that is just in  my nature or human nature in general; in any event with fear behind me  driving me forward I finally began to try putting these experiences down  in words.

Copyright 2017 Elli Kerry. All rights reserved