I guess there's also the option of seeing if I can get one of the newer 360 models (which would certainly be more reliable and not have the issues this one's developed over the years) but that's rather expensive (around $200 for a new one with a hard drive that doesn't suck). Either way I can't do more console reviews beyond the ones I've already assembled (currently I've got 3 reviews done that don't currently have a release date and 2 that do, one of which is going up this Friday and the other of which goes up in March) until I've sorted this out, so bear with me.
PC reviews should be unaffected by this, of course.
EDIT (1/27/2016): After leaving the cable unplugged for over an hour I plugged it back in and managed to get the console to power up. It's giving me a single red light and displaying Error 74, which according to Microsoft is a "general error" that means my console "requires service." Since it's not under warranty I frankly think it'd just be more economical to pick up a replacement 360. I guess until that happens there won't be any more 360 reviews beyond the ones I've finished already.