"You're The Only Love I Found (And I'm Hoping That You'll Stay)" Chapter Six (Clexa Actress AU)
 
Winter, 2014/15

Clarke waking up wrapped in Lexa is becoming normal, incredibly normal. Clarke kissing Lexa whenever they are alone is also normal, something friends don’t do but they do all the time. Where there had been hesitance beforehand, it’s almost as if that is gone now, replaced instead by unfiltered desire and insatiable passion.

Clarke can’t get enough of her. She can’t get enough of the way Lexa feels against her mouth or tastes against her tongue. She can’t for the life of her stop kissing Lexa Woods, in fact, just thinking about stopping makes her want to throw up. She knows she doesn’t have the will power to force herself to quit, she knows she doesn’t because Lexa feels like heaven, she’s like a light that only builds Clarke up and she knows she isn’t strong enough to give that up.

Lexa doesn’t seem to want to stop either, always pressing Clarke into the door right after it shuts or pulling Clarke into her lap when they’re on the couch and pressing her lips to areas of her skin that make Clarke shudder. She knows exactly how to kiss her by now that has Clarke insides turning and heat rising through her body until he has to force herself to part from Lexa just so she can get handle on herself.

They both know they aren’t really practicing. It’s just a ruse by this point, an excuse to keep them from talking about their feelings, a lie that saves them from having to acknowledge what they both are feeling, or at least, what Clarke is feeling. She figures Lexa must feel something; the way the brunette kisses her can only be done by at least a semblance of returned feelings. But returned feelings aren’t Clarke’s biggest concern.

Clarke’s biggest concern is having the feelings at all.

She knows by now that she cannot fight them. She knows that. That’s the only reason she had thought of this dumb excuse in the first place, because she winds up kissing Lexa whenever they are alone anyway. But now the justification feels limiting and Clarke’s feelings only grow at an exponential rate with every visit. She wants to tell Lexa, to be honest with this girl that she likes so very much, whom is also her friend, but she knows she can’t. She can’t just tell her like she desires to do so badly because that’s not what Lexa needs from her and that’s not what Clarke is allowed to do.

Clarke is not allowed to fall for her… but Clarke’s heart doesn’t care about that. With Clarke’s life being led for her and Lexa’s recent revelations of her own life, with Lexa’s hard past and Costia pining after her, she needs a friend more than she needs another person to tell her that she wants to be with her. She needs Clarke’s comfort more than she needs Clarke’s romantic companionship. 

With Clarke’s life so tumultuous, she’d only taint anything good that they can become… it feels already tainted. It feels already tainted but Clarke still can’t stop kissing her. Clarke still can’t stop using the word practice to disguise the fact that she is falling head over heels for a girl when she can’t actually be with her.

Waking up with her arms wrapped tightly around that same girl is not helpful to the situation either. Waking up like this most mornings for the last two weeks is also not helpful. Clarke isn’t making it easier on them, on herself, on Lexa. Clarke isn’t being fair, and it’s an early Wednesday morning when she comes to that realization, when she allows herself to come to that realization.

Lexa is fast asleep against her, hands wound in her t-shirt, breath heavy against the skin on her collarbone. Clarke’s arms are around her tightly, holding her as close as she can get her, as if when the blonde sleeps, she fears Lexa will disappear from her. Maybe she is afraid of that, because she doesn’t know how long she and Lexa can really keep pretending that they’re just practicing.

Lexa’s legs are tangled with her own; there is no space between them. The fact makes Clarke’s heart loud and heavy in her chest as her thoughts circulate disobligingly. She doesn’t want to think them, she doesn’t want to think about it… but she has no choice. She’d have to think about it eventually and with the sun coming up and the world so quiet at this very moment, her brain is bound to over-think. She is a classic, textbook over-thinker.

She isn’t being fair, that’s what she thinks as Lexa sleeps soundly against her. All this time she’s thinking about how she can kiss Lexa and not have to worry about explaining it but she hasn’t really thought about how that might be for Lexa. Though Lexa has encouraged her and said yes to the whole idea, it still feels like she’s not being fair. 

She can’t help that a piece of her is selfishly happy Lexa has said no to Costia, that Lexa continues to kiss her with all the knowledge that they don’t talk about their feelings, that Lexa seems to like kissing her as much as Clarke does. Selfishly she doesn’t want Lexa to be with Costia, she doesn’t want Lexa to want to be with Costia, to hold any feelings for the girl ever again. She doesn’t want Costia to try and be with Lexa.

She wants Lexa to stay right here with her in this bed. She never wants to leave.

She can’t stop her fingertips from gliding across Lexa’s balled up hands that are tangled tightly in her shirt. She admires them, her hands, they’re so lovely. She moves toward her hair; to brush back tangled brown strands of beautiful hair that Clarke can’t get enough of. Her eyes following features that she can manage to see from her position. She cannot take her eyes off her because that’s just the way things have been with Lexa, ever since she met her in that little coffee shop and she pinned her with that stunning smile. 

Clarke thinks she’s probably been falling ever since.

But the blonde girl still can’t tell her something like that and she’s not sure after the way Lexa was about Costia telling how she felt, that Lexa would even want to hear her say something like that to her. Clarke’s been through and through those thoughts and the conversation after and she can’t imagine that Lexa would react much differently if Clarke did tell her all these thoughts and feelings she had. They are friends, really great friends, Lexa has even called Clarke her best friend and with the small confession that she can’t really make new friends, Clarke isn’t sure that Lexa would be very enthusiastic about the blonde’s thought process.

Clarke feels her lips turn up slightly as Lexa mumbles something in her sleep. Of course this beautiful girl has two friends pining for her attention, for her love. Of course she does because Lexa Woods is so easy to fall for. With that beautiful smile and stunning personality of course she is. Clarke can’t imagine feeling any other way about Lexa than she does at this moment or all the other moments before this moment. 

She can’t fight it. She knows that.

Clarke,” And her voice is all low and raspy and seeking comfort from the blonde, clicking the “k” to the roof of her mouth so she can feel the blonde shiver below her.

“Mmm?” Clarke mumbles into the quiet air, fingers still grazing gently through lovely brown strands of hair, trying to control her heartbeat as Lexa snuggles in closer to her at the realization that the blonde is still here, still wrapped around her, still holding her as close as she can get her. It’s endearing and has Clarke falling harder because it really doesn’t take much. Lexa doesn’t have to do very much. All she has to do is smile, or mumble her name just like that, or breathe even and Clarke is falling and falling. In fact, Clarke is almost certain at this point that Lexa doesn’t even have to be in the same place as her; just thinking about her will have Clarke heading toward the inevitable ground that comes with these feelings.

How unlucky is she to fall for a girl when she can’t, but oh how lucky she is to fall for Lexa.

“I don’t want to get up.” She whines softly and Clarke feels that powerful feeling in her heart that she’s been getting lately, taking over her chest. So much affection inflicting her until she’s breathing heavier and maybe holding Lexa a little tighter, keeping her close like she’s afraid with Lexa knew consciousness, she too will come to all the same conclusions that Clarke has and pull away from her.

“You can sleep more,” Clarke confirms, knowing it’s only around six in the morning, but her heart is probably pounding fast and it’s almost painfully doing so against her breastbone, and she knows Lexa can hear it, she knows.

“Can’t, you’re thinking too loud.” The girl croaks, hands unwinding from her shirt to flex around her body and pull her closer, snuggling into the blonde’s neck until Clarke’s releasing a shaky breath with the action.

“I’ll try to stop.” Clarke tries to sound amused, tries to joke but she knows her emotions and her feelings are swallowing her up. She’s never been the best at hiding herself quite the same way that Lexa is. Lexa can do it so much better than she can, even if she averagely is an open book to Clarke, there are still so many things that Clarke just can’t figure out.

She knows Lexa likes kissing her, but she doesn’t know why, and that’s bothering her this morning. “Tell me,” Lexa prods gently, not assertive. If Clarke tells her no, Lexa won’t push, that’s just not Lexa. But of course the brunette can just sense there is something wrong with Clarke, she can probably feel it lying so closely against her, but Clarke knows she can’t actually tell her.

She can’t tell Lexa that she is falling in love with her. “I was thinking about how you haven’t been back to your apartment for two weeks.” Clarke whispers and feels Lexa tense slightly against her body. She doesn’t hesitate to continue though. “I found your phone off.” The blonde tangles her fingers through the girl’s hair to relax her, and it seems to work. “You should talk to her.” She says even softer because she knows Lexa misses her friend, and she knows how Lexa has procrastinated the conversation with her.

She doesn’t much like confrontation. “I don’t want too.”

The blonde sighs slightly. “Yes you do.” Clarke confirms. “Remember what we talked about,” She’s trying to be helpful in a way that keeps her mind off her own thoughts and instead she focuses on Lexa’s, on what Lexa might need, on being a good friend to the pretty brunette girl rather than a love-struck fool.

“Clarke.” Lexa sits up now and Clarke immediately misses her warmth, suddenly feeling slightly cold at even slightly parting from her. “I’m afraid I’ll get mad again and I won’t be able to tell her the truth.” Her green eyes are soft and honest and Clarke can feel her heart in her mouth before she can stop it. Lexa looks beautiful in the morning, when she’s just waking up. She herself can never look as magnificent as Lexa does, and she briefly wonders how the girl manages to do.

She supposes it’s only natural.

Clarke smiles softly at her, cupping her cheek with the palm of her hand and feeling her heart melt as the brunette leans into her touch. “You won’t get mad. She knows you needed time.” She brushes her thumb against the girl’s cheek bone and resists the urge to kiss her. Her eyes dropping low obviously, only briefly thankful for this moment that Lexa seems to be wrapped up in her comforting touch and still sleepy enough to not be able to tell that Clarke is keeping something from her. 

She says what she says next without thinking it through. “Maybe we should stop practicing.” And she regrets saying it immediately, but it comes out anyway because it’s all she’s been thinking about all morning, because she knows it’s not fair to kiss Lexa and keep her from other girls if she’s not going to be with Lexa like that, because she knows she can’t be with Lexa like that no matter how badly she wants to be.

Lexa jerks away from her touch. Immediately a confused look crosses her features. “Why?” and Lexa’s voice sounds lost with the simple word, twisting Clarke’s stomach until she’s actually sure she’s about to throw up.

“It’s not helping you.” Clarke whispers slightly and Lexa’s eyebrows knit together further as thoughts filter their way across her mind. She looks hurt slightly and Clarke wants to take the words back and swallow them so they never come back up ever again, just so Lexa will never ever look at her like that again.

But it’s too late, she’s said them already. “What do you mean by that?” The brunette asks far too seriously and sits up in the bed, pulling her warmth completely from Clarke so the blonde has to swallow her feelings the best she can and sit up too.

She wants to go back to sleep. “We’re,” And Clarke feels her throat close up slightly so she has to stop and clear it before she continues. She never imagined telling Lexa she wants to stop would be so hard. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but this feels almost impossible. “It’s not good for you.” Her voice cracks as she says it, like she’s in pain and maybe she is. She doesn’t know if that’s what this sinking feeling is, she just wishes Lexa wouldn’t look at her like that.

“I don’t know what that means,” Lexa sounds slightly angry. It makes Clarke wince, and immediately that anger is gone, and the brunette is shifting closer to her again. “I’m not mad,” She says softer, a hand touching Clarke’s again and the trace is comforting, making the blonde feel safe and dissipating her nerves and the pain that had started in her chest, she wonders why that new development has happened and if it will continue to happen or if she’s just feeling extra emotional this morning. “If you want to stop, we’ll stop.” Lexa whispers it like the statement hurts and Clarke finds herself shaking her head.

“I don’t want to stop.” And she hates herself for not being strong enough. “I just want you to be happy.” Clarke confides because she feels like she can’t make Lexa happy and she’s holding her back by continuing this “practicing” that they both know isn’t just practice anymore, that it never really was just practice, not really.

“Clarke,” Lexa shifts closer again and her warmth is back as she moves herself into Clarke’s lap. The blonde immediately wraps her arms around her without hesitation and watches how Lexa smiles at her, that beautiful stunning smile she is falling so hard for, that smile that makes her more comfortable and less anxious, that smile that’s been getting her through all her hardest days, and today feels like it’s going to be hard day.

“You make me happy.” Lexa whispers it like it’s a secret, like if she says it too loud it’ll shatter something important. Maybe it will. “You’re my best friend…” Lexa’s fingers brush through the side of Clarke’s hair and the blonde fights the desire to lean into it. “I like being kissed.” Lexa presses her forehead to Clarke’s and the blonde’s strength is absolutely obliterated.

She can’t stop this. “I like being kissed too.” Clarke confesses lightly and it’s not really a confession, because they aren’t saying exactly what they want to say, but it’s enough of one that the brunette is smiling, it’s enough of one that they both know practicing is their ruse and the longer they play it the harder it’s going to be to break it.

***

“Lexa!” Anya shouts at her in disbelief. She’s not exactly angry, but she’s clearly disappointed and Lexa knows why. She probably doesn’t exactly have the right to be, but Anya gets weird about these kinds of things, only because she’s always been very protective of Lexa, even when they were much smaller, Anya has always tried to shield her from things, even the things that she couldn’t control.

“I know, I’m sorry I just had to think and,” Lexa cuts off when Anya sighs that motherly sigh she gives her when she disagrees with a course of action she has taken, but it’s not exactly disappointment in her. Lexa has assumed recently that Anya just never likes knowing she wasn’t there for Lexa when she could have been, even if Lexa didn’t exactly go to her.

“I know you did. I’m not angry, I just… why didn’t you come to me with this, you’ve been staying with Clarke? That can’t have been helpful.” Anya has that tone she gets when she believes she knows more about a subject then Lexa. The brunette usually finds it annoying but she doesn’t mind so much tonight, she could use the advice from her rather than just Clarke, whom her heart beats far too fast for.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Lexa asks with a raise to her eyebrow and Anya rolls her eyes.

“I like Clarke, I really do, but that girl has a crush on you. You think she’s going to give you an unbiased opinion?” Anya looks at her like she should already know this but the information sinks it like Lexa isn’t at all aware that Clarke could possibly have feelings like that. Realistically, the way that their relationship has progressed and the way that Clarke is with her are all proof of her feelings, but Lexa’s heart still does that freak out thing like she herself hasn’t thought over these possibilities until Anya has voiced them out loud.

She hates her heart sometimes. “Crush?”

“Lexa she stares at you twenty four seven, Raven told me…” And then Anya stops, mouth shutting immediately like she had spoken too much and Lexa’s eyebrows knit together curiously with the action. She can’t help but examine Anya’s sudden tense posture and she wonders what the girl may know that Lexa doesn’t, what Raven may have told her, what Raven has probably heard from Clarke.

Anya knew she wasn’t getting out of this one, and Lexa knew that she wasn’t going to let her. “Raven told you what?” The brunette asks carefully, pinning her friend with a serious glare that Anya immediately looks away from her.

“She didn’t tell me anything. That’s not the point,” Anya tries to push forward past her slip up, but all it takes is one look from Lexa and she knows she can’t escape an explanation.

“Oh no, you don’t get to do that.” Lexa’s voice rises as she stands from the sofa to grab her friend’s attention. “What did Raven say,” Her voice is all demanding, a reminder of the nickname Anya has given her in the past. 

Anya is shaking her head as her brunette friend trains her with that stare. Anyone else would feel the effects of it, but Anya was often rather resistant to the glare. She didn’t however, like having Lexa annoyed with her, so of course she would give in. “Lexa, she’ll kill me and I was just,”

“What did Raven say,”

“Clarke likes you Lexa. A lot.” And the brunette feels her heart rate spike rapidly, as if hearing those words out loud make it all the more real and she doesn’t know how to get it to stop. She didn’t have a lot of doubts that Clarke didn’t at least like her somewhat; she wouldn’t be kissing her if she didn’t. Clarke liking her wasn’t really the problem they both had; it was Clarke accepting that she likes her that was more of the problem… if Clarke liked her enough to want to be with her that is.

The words still made her swallow, the words still made the air she tried to take into her lungs much harder to reach. Those words, turning over and over in her head until it’s just a jumble of mixed up letters as Lexa’s heart pitter patters pathetically for a blonde girl that may or may not ever decide to be with her in that way. She wishes she wasn’t so weak for this situation, for wanting to be with her even when she knows there is a possibility that will never happen. She’s weak maybe, for having hope, she’s been fooled with this once before, but hope is still there, shining brightly in her mind until it’s convinced her it’s okay, no matter what happens, it’ll be okay.

“I just think, if you consider her feelings she’s not the best person to go to when it comes to Costia.” Anya’s voice is soft as she watches Lexa work through her words, watches the features on her friend’s face change and the knit in her eyebrows grow more prominent. Lexa knows Anya doesn’t know what to do with this, she doesn’t quite know what advice to give because she herself has been wrong in the past about what Lexa should do when it comes to girl that may or may not like her. She doesn’t want to give her wrong advice again, and in this moment, that’s a very real possibility, because how do you go about someone like Clarke?

“I just wound up there; I was on my way to you.” Lexa admits, passing over Anya’s confession and taking a seat again. She’ll try not to think too deeply about it much longer, as she knows that if she does, the next time she sees Clarke she’ll end up saying something about it because word vomit is an issue with that girl, as she can’t seems to put on a face around her, always laying her cards down like she has nothing to protect, like her heart isn’t that important. She has no filter when it comes to her and she still hasn’t quite figured out why that is. 

“Don’t get mad at me, but I’ve known about Costia for a while.” Anya interrupts her reverie with another confusing confession and Lexa finds her gaze again, she’s pretty sure there a permanent knit to her eyebrows now.

“What do you mean?” She asks softly.

“Her feelings. It’s why I even encouraged it in high school. I didn’t think that would turn out so…” Anya shakes her head. “Costia told me already.” Anya sighs heavily, like she believes she should have done something about this sooner, before Costia had said anything to Lexa, before this had blown up and found its way between the two girls. 

Lexa doesn’t think that way however, Anya can’t protect her from everything and something like this, she doesn’t need protecting from, even if she did act a little over the top.  “She told you, how long ago?”

“They’ve been sort of there for her… for a while, but I think she really got it when she saw you with Clarke.” Anya confirms softly, placing this sympathetic gaze on her friend like that will help make this situation better.

The information slightly irks at Lexa’s nerves, a soft, “That’s ridiculous” leaves her before she can stop herself.

“Trust me Lexa, I agree. But…” Anya feels her fingers tangle through her hair. “I like Clarke, remember that, but I don’t think you should… hold out for her Lexa.” Anya takes a seat beside her. “She’s… not in a place that’s… she’s got this thing.” Anya’s hands move with her words as if she can’t find the right way to say what she exactly wants to.

Lexa finds that her eyes are rolling before she can stop them. “Why do you act like you know more about her than I do?” because Lexa knows Anya doesn’t. Lexa hasn’t gotten to know Clarke really well, so well she’s sure she knows more about Clarke than she even knows about her own self.

“I know you know this… I’m just making sure you really know it. Clarke isn’t the kind of girl to just accept that she likes you and embrace it, she’s going to fight herself about it, she’s going to hurt you doing it. I don’t want to see that.” Anya’s being protective again, giving her that motherly look she’s often given her before and Lexa feels her heart beat a little slower at the realization that her friend is literally more concerned about protecting her.

Lexa sighs and shakes her head. “Clarke’s… different Anya,”

“I know you think that,”

“No, I know that.” Lexa says sternly, to get her friend to listen. That seems to do the trick, Anya’s mouth snapping shut as she stares after Lexa. “She needs someone to be there for her while she figures that out, she doesn’t need a girlfriend. She needs a friend and I want to be that friend. I don’t care if she never wants to date me; I just want her to know I’m going to be here for her, with this, or anything else that she might struggle with because that’s what friends do. I’m not just standing at the sidelines waiting to date this girl; I’m in the bleachers, supporting her.”

“Are you trying to pull a sports reference or something?” Anya teases and Lexa only rolls her eyes.

“Shut up, I’m serious.” Her tone does that stern thing again and it kind of only makes Anya more amused that she was briefly before.

“I know.” Her friend says and wraps her arms around Lexa to hug her and Lexa falls into it comfortably. “I really don’t want to see you get hurt.” She whispers quietly, like she actually dreads the outcome, like she would do anything to never see that happen.

It makes Lexa’s heart ache because Anya has always been with way with her; Anya has always been her family. “I probably will get hurt. Promise you’ll be there anyways.”

“I’m always going to be here.” Anya promises, squeezing Lexa a little tighter and a little more caringly.

***

“Lexa,” Costia looks shocked when she opens the door and the brunette doesn’t blame her, she can’t. Lexa has had her phone off for weeks, seeking comfort in the arms of her favorite blonde every night until the girl had to leave for her hometown on Saturday. She was only now just here, doing this because she knows she can’t keep putting it off, no matter how much she dreads talking about her feelings. It’s always like pulling teeth, everyone that knows her knows that, but she knows this has to be done.

Costia is her friend and she wants Costia to stay her friend and that can’t happen if she doesn’t allow them both to have a serious conversation. “Can I come in?” Lexa asks delicately, her voice is slightly hard even though she doesn’t quite mean for it to be and she watches guiltily the effect it has on her friend, who looks so defeated that it makes Lexa hate herself all over again.

“Yeah,” Costia says sadly, pulling the door open wide so Lexa can walk in and she shuts it closed behind her, locking it and slowly turning back around so she’s able to face Lexa when the brunette turns as well.

It’s awkward, the brief silence that overtakes them as Lexa turns around to look at her, but awkward or not Lexa knows she has to do this. She came here to fix things, to finally stop procrastinating this conversation and be as honest as she can, like Clarke had told her to do. She knows she could lose her friend over this, and as much as that pained her, she had to have this exchange anyways. “I came to apologize and to talk about… things.” She waves her hand as if this conversation had a physical appearance they could both look at. Lexa almost thinks that, that would be helpful.

“You don’t have to apologize I should apologize I shouldn’t have…” Costia stops talking as Lexa’s hand flies up to silence her and Lexa is so very glad that she is willingly cooperating today. Costia is usually the type to babble on until someone is shouting over her to finally get her to listen, though today Costia doesn’t exactly seem like she’s in much the mood to fight through a conversation and that, relieving Lexa somewhat, also makes her sad because she knows it’s kind of her fault.

She tries to focus on the fact that this makes things easier for a conversation that she knows is going to be hard rather than the guilty feeling of hurting one of her best friend’s emotional state circulates through her. “I reacted badly.” Lexa softens as much as she can, aware that her walls are still up rather high and wishing it was easier to tear them down, if only for a moment. “I got scared and worried that this would mean our friendship is over because I don’t return your feelings, and I know that, that is still a possibility. But I hope not?” Lexa tries to appear sincere and as soft as she can but she feels like a part of her, the part that always fights vulnerability, is still built up with walls and visibly so, these walls as high as they can manage to go.

“You think after everything we’ve been through that I’m not going to want to be friends with you anymore because you don’t want to date me?” And then Costia laughs and that completely throws Lexa for a loop because she doesn’t find this situation or this conversation funny in the slightest. She’s been dreading it for weeks, and now here her friend is, laughing at her. “Lexa, no,” She shakes her head, stepping closer but no too close which Lexa is thankful for because she isn’t quite sure how she’d handle the proximity at this moment in time.

She’s just happy that Costia is looking less sad by the minute and has that pretty smile on her face, even if it is at her expense. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Lexa confides easily, and watches as Costia’s features soften further, her eyes moving around the features of Lexa’s face as whatever thoughts are going through her head circulate and form and pass on. Lexa wishes she could read her mind, only for this moment, because Costia seems as closed off as Lexa does and the brunette really doesn’t know how to take that.

“Lexa, you didn’t do anything wrong. I sprung that on you. I was feeling…” Costia shook her head. “I was never going to say anything but Clarke said something to me about… being honest I guess and I don’t know, it kind of stuck with me.” Another loop, Lexa is completely thrown for another loop. When the hell did Clakre and Costia talk about Costia’s feelings for her and why would Clarke offer her advice on the subject?

Be honest seems to be Clarke’s go to advice apparently. 

“You told Clarke?” Lexa asks stunned, she knows it’s visible on her face because Costia stares at her silently a moment, taking in her features further, a longer period of time then absolutely necessary.

She looks sheepish as she shrugs and shoulders and says, “Is that weird?” And Lexa doesn’t have to answer for her to know that yes, the brunette finds it be rather weird. “I didn’t really tell her, she just kind of guessed.” Costia shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her feet, covered in fuzzy socks that emphasized she was having a relaxing evening.

Lexa just can’t wrap her head around this turn of events. “Clarke encouraged you to tell me?” This confused Lexa because she wouldn’t understand why. If Clarke really did like her, why would she ask another girl to tell her of her feelings? It’s not like it was an ill-intentioned decision. Clarke’s been so pressing about Costia in the past that it was more encouragement to something else… but it doesn’t make sense. Clarke is kissing her, Clarke tells her friends that she likes her, Clarke is fighting feelings for her and yet… she’s told Costia to be honest with Lexa about this?

Why?

“Not too much, she just told me to be honest with you and I guess I took that more to heart then I thought I would.” Costia shrugs sheepishly and Lexa has to fight off the confused feelings that seem to twist in her gut. Does she even have the right to be annoyed by this? Does it makes sense at all for her to get slightly upset that Clarke would give this advice to another girl when she’s told other people that she really likes her?

Lexa is just confused.

The brunette tries to swallow this feeling that’s unidentifiable but not good rising in the pit of her stomach. “It’s respectable that you told me.” Now is not the time to get lost in her thoughts, to over-think and re-think and confuse herself further. She came here on a mission and she can’t achieve that goal if she doesn’t stay focused on it. Getting distracted with the confusing nature of Clarke Griffin is something she can save for later as she tries to fall asleep in her cold bed, without the blonde wrapped up against her body. “Even though I reacted the way that I did, we can get through it… if you want to still be friends that is?” Lexa asks sounding less unsure and anxious and hard again, her walls too high for the discussion she’s trying to have.

“Of course I still want to be friends.” Costia chuckles. “All this time I thought I had to protect you from getting hurt again by other girls and yet here I am, still hurting you.” And the laugh has no humor in it, just pain that makes Lexa feel lots of things she hasn’t felt in a long time.

Mostly, it’s just sympathy and regret. “Costia,” Lexa feels her heart sink and she steps closer to the girl. “I’m okay, and I’m glad you were honest. I’m sorry I reacted so badly, I shouldn’t have.” She wants to touch the girl to comfort her, but she doesn’t, instead she just tries to willfully ease her through her soft gaze.

It seems to help somewhat. “Can I hug you?” She asks self-consciously and Lexa can’t help that she finds it slightly endearing, nodding her head and opening her arms for the other girl who immediately falls into the embrace.

Lexa has always felt comfortable with Costia, her hugs always warm and very soft… though there’s something missing about it that Lexa can’t quite put her finger on. “I’ve missed you.” Lexa admits softly and she feels Costia nod into her neck.

“Me too,” She mumbles but it’s muffled and Lexa tries not to think about all the things that Costia has told her, instead trying desperately to focus on the fact that she gets to keep her friend and why that is a good thing.

She isn’t sure how to feel about everything she’s learned.

***

Clarke has never been very comfortable at home, but she gets to see her brother and that’s always important to her. He’s only six now and he’s not exactly sure of why Clarke is never around, but he does know she’s on TV and he thinks that’s cool so he never much questions it, always asking if he can come visit her someday… she hopes one day she’ll be able to tell him yes.

“Does she have any siblings,” He asks the hundredth million question he could possibly ask about Lexa that night, crashing one hot wheels car into the next as Clarke lays on the floor with him, mostly only watching him while she gets the chance too, knowing at any moment her mother will waltz in and ruin their time together.

“She used too.” Clarke informs softly, a smile on her face as he makes sputtering noises in the back of his throat with the fake vehicles. He’s adorable and looks more like Clarke’s dad than she ever did when she was younger. She admires it; she admires him, and misses her father. She knows he would be proud of his son if he could see him.

“Used too?” He stops what he’s doing for a second to meet Clarke’s gaze and the blonde nods, holding her head up in the palm of her hands that’s propped up against the carpeted floor. It’s going to leave marks on her skin but she doesn’t much mind while she lays here watching her brother.

“He passed on like Dad did.” She informs him gently, as easily as she can put something like that for his little mind to work through.

He does the same thinking face Clarke’s dad used to do, and the blonde finds it even more endearing on his little features. “Like when I was born?”

“Yeah,” Clarke confirms and the boy’s frown deepens.

“That’s really sad Clarke,” He pushes his cars aside and crawls toward his sister, she sits up for him and allows him to crawl into her lap… This is the only other person in her life that can produce an abundant amount of affection in her heart and make her overwhelmed with the feeling of it all. She doesn’t fight this deep love she has for her brother, wishing only that she got to see him more than she does now, hoping that he gets only the good sides of their mother and never has to witness the sides that Clarke does.

“It is but she’s alright.” Clarke comforts him as he nods his little head at her.

“Do I get to meet her Clarke?” The boy presses his hands to Clarke’s cheeks and she can’t help the small laugh that the action produces.

“I don’t know buddy.” Clarke mumbles as he moves his hands to tangle through parts of her hair. He seems mesmerized by the strands for a moment and Clarke’s heart soars and aches with how adorable it is.

“I want too,” He informs her confidently and Clarke can only chuckle at him.

“Why?” She asks gently, brushing her fingertips through soft blonde hair.

“You love her.” He says cutely and Clarke feels her heart beat increase as the words leave his mouth. He’s too small to know exactly how Clarke is falling in love with her, but she’s not about to confirm or explain any of that to him. She can’t even explain it to herself, let alone managing to say it out loud to a six year old boy.

“I love you.” She says to him and presses a kiss to his nose that he wrinkles it up at, though he smiles at the affection. He loves attention.

“Do you think she would love me too?” He seems concerned about this and Clarke’s smile is harder and harder to fight, she cannot keep it from growing, much in the same way she never can when she spends time with her brother.

“She probably would, she’d probably try to steal you.” She informs him and listens to his giggle as she tickles his sides slightly.

“Is she fun?” He laughs through the question.

“Why are you so curious?”

“Because you love her Clarke, if you love her I love her.” Clarke feels that affection overwhelm her heart again and she can’t help that her eyes water a little bit. To distract herself she places kisses against the boy’s cheek and listens as he shrieks playfully away from her touch. He’d never admit that he loves Clarke’s kisses. His sister is his favorite person in the world.

“Jake, time for bed.” And sure enough Abby Griffin is interrupting them, the little boy jumping from Clarke’s lap to stand and protest her words, his head shaking harshly from side to side. His sister is here and she’s not here often, sleep is something he wants to fight because what if she leaves and doesn’t come back tomorrow and he misses her for another year?

“It’s okay, I’ll be here tomorrow.” And at that the boy relents, hugging his sister tightly.

“Promise?” And once Clarke has confirmed and he’s let go and willingly bounces out of the room to prepare for bed, his mother follows him down the hall. Clarke stands and follows them as well, watching how her mother only seems soft with him, her actions no longer hard or cold as they normally are with Clarke and everybody else she knows around her.

Clarke remembers how her mother used to be with her and desperately misses that woman in this moment, getting to see a glimpse of her is heartbreaking, though she is glad that Jake is receiving the love he deserves in his home, even if Clarke does not get the same treatment. He needs to be raised knowing he is cared for and if her mother can manage to do that for only one of them, Clarke is glad that it is him.

Once Jake is tucked in bed, Abby is back to being cold with her, short words and demanding tones. It’s in this moment that Clarke decides her mother will never be who she once was, and she has to accept that. She also has to stop letting her shove her around, and she’s sure that tomorrow she’ll sit her down and have a conversation about her feelings for Lexa with her so she can stop fighting herself and maybe advance forward. She just wants to the possibility to be able to, even if that’s not right away, she doesn’t want to be held back anymore. Not when she’s falling as fast and as hard as she is falling for Lexa. 

“I need to talk to you about something.” Abby’s voice is all stern and Clarke only nods to it, used to her tone. She is no doubt upset about something very small, something as simple as Clarke using the wrong glass, or not giving Jake the right instructions while he puts together a puzzle. Her mother always has something to say about anything that she does, something negative and demeaning and it’s been happening sense her father passed on… of course she learned why a few years ago, but knowing that her mother still has those thoughts about her only hurt to think about.

It’s wasn’t her fault.

She follows her into the living room, away from Jake’s door and prepares for the onslaught of whatever it is her mother wants to nag her about now, whatever she suddenly disapproves of. “Jake has been talking a lot about that Lexa girl lately.” She’s got that knowing tilt to her right eyebrow that Clarke has come to hate. Her hand on her hip and that coldness in her gaze that Clarke hopes Jake never ever has to see directed at him.

“He watches the show with Wells, he’s just curious,” Clarke tries to reason, but she can tell by her mother’s stance, and the fact that the woman hasn’t yelled at her all day, that she won’t escape this one without her being unreasonable. Abby Griffin loves to fight with her and Clarke will never quite understand why.

“And you know I disapprove of the show right.” Abby’s eyebrow rises higher and Clarke finds her blue eyes watching it without almost an uncontainable amount of annoyance. She tries to hide her feelings, perhaps she does well, but Abby seems to love getting on Clarke’s every last nerve and the blonde knows the woman won’t stop until she does.

“That’s not fair; I bet you’ve never seen it.”

“I’ve seen enough Clarke.” Her mother is hard with her, if there is emotion in her Clarke can’t find it. “You only took this roll to upset me, I know it.” Her tone is heavy and growing slightly louder, though Clarke knows she won’t exactly shout with Jake being in the house and only down the hall, his door only cracked open rather than completely shut.

“Not everything I do is centered on you, believe it or not.” Clarke scoffs angrily, watching as her mother’s nostrils flare with the statement, as if Clarke is the one being ridiculous in this current situation, as if Clarke is the one trying to create a rise out of her own mother, to ridicule and belittle her every chance she gets.

“You should know that I don’t at all approve of the relationship you’re portraying in this show with this Lexa girl and I’m not okay with Jake seeing his sister like that.” Abby’s tone is cold and colder with every responding statement. Clarke can barely believe her ears because Abby Griffin never cared about things like this before, only after her father’s death did Abby show any resentment and that was only when it was Clarke performing the actions. It never made any sense to Clarke, and even now, after so much time, after all she’s learned between councilors and all the time and conversations her and her mother have had, she still doesn’t quite get it.

“I don’t understand you mom,” Clarke feels the anger rise in her before she can tame it, though she is careful that her voice never rises higher than a simple exclamation just in case Jake is still awake and able to hear them. Last year he interrupted their fight with tears and begged them to stop and Clarke never wanted to make her brother cry like that again. “You never cared about stuff like this when it was my friends, but you can’t stand it when it’s me.”

“It’s one thing seeing it on someone you don’t know, but your own daughter?”

“It’s 2014 mom, sometimes girls like girls.”

“Sometimes they do, but that doesn’t mean you have too.” Abby’s voice is a bit higher than Clarke’s, but she too is trying to level it. “I knew there was something going on with you and that girl.” Her mother sounds disgusted in a way that makes Clarke’s gut twist so unpleasantly she isn’t sure how much longer she can keep her dinner down. She hates that things are like this, she hates that her mother isn’t really her mother anymore.

She may have only physically lost one parent that day six years ago, but in reality, she’s actually lost both.

“I like her mom and you would probably like her too if you would get your head out of your ass long enough to maybe be a decent mother for a change,” Clarke is ready to blow up and honestly, she doesn’t know how to keep herself from doing so. Her mother knew all the right buttons to hit, and it hurt her every time, every single time without fail.

“You can’t talk to me like that,” Abby is almost yelling and Clarke is shaking with rage. “You end whatever you’ve got going on with that girl or you can leave tonight.”

“Are you serious?” Clarke can’t help the squeak of disbelief in her voice. The woman she is looking at doesn’t love her, and she knows that, she’s come to terms with that, but it still hurts. It hurts so much.

“I am. I told you Jake doesn’t need the influence. I’d prefer he doesn’t watch it on television but I can’t control what Wells does with him when he babysits him. Why you couldn’t have stayed with that nice boy Finn, or even be with Wells is beyond me.”

“Finn!?” Clarke yells, but immediately drops her tone back down. “Finn was cheating on me the entire time we were together, and he continuously sabotaged three of my interviews for internships in college and Wells is practically my brother!”

“But he’s not and he’s a boy!” Abby’s voice rises as well, the disappointment and shame is clear but Clarke forces herself to ignore it, forces herself to ignore the hurt and pain that Abby causes her whenever she comes home… Abby has always been ashamed of her for something whether it be this or anything she tries to do, and she knows exactly what it started with.

“It’s not the fact that Lexa is a girl, it’s just me.” Clarke’s tone is colder than she’s ever heard it. “You still blame me for it don’t you?” And even though she asks, she already knows the answer. Already sees it in Abby’s eyes as she looks away from her… ashamed.

“Clarke,”

“You think I killed him.” Clarke’s voice shakes and cracks with all of her emotions and she must think her mother is proud of it, proud that she can get her daughter to sound like this because what, Abby doesn’t wish this was her daughter, she doesn’t want Clarke in her life, in her family. Clarke killed her father, that’s all that Abby sees when she looks at her.

It wasn’t her fault.

“You did.” Abby teeth grind. “But I’m trying to move past it.”

“I didn’t kill him,” Clarke’s eyes water and her voice is a bit defeated. “I didn’t.”

“Maybe not, but it’s all I see when I look at you. I’m trying not to.” Abby shakes her head and turns from her. “Cut it off with the girl or don’t come home.” And she walks out of the room before Clarke can further this conversation, feeling cold and alone as her mother disappears. She doesn’t want to chase her, she doesn’t want to try. As it is she knows it’s hopeless, Jake is the only reason she is still here.

She misses Lexa and her father.

Clarke takes a few seconds, just breathing the way that she knows she should before exiting her childhood home that used to be so full and light. She’s gets in her rental car and is on her way to her hotel when her phone rings and she figures its Raven checking in because she hasn’t called yet and Clarke could really use her friend’s ear. Raven is the only one that really knows how things are at her home, how things are with her mom, what really happened, something Clarke hasn’t revealed to many people, she hates talking about it. But Raven was her safe place in college, and Raven is still sometimes her safe place now, in a different way then she had been so in college, but still her safe place.

So she pulls the car to the side of the road and fishes for her phone out of her jeans pocket. Her heart, however, sinks as she sees who is actually calling her… It’s not Raven and she isn’t sure if she should talk to Lexa why she’s feeling like this. While she’s feeling so defeated and cold and lonely, while she’s missing her comfort and her warmth and she’s afraid with having no fight left she will reveal that too her, will tell her things she can’t exactly tell her.

She eventually just decides that she will answer her call though because Lexa always makes her feel better, even with that ugly ultimatum her mother gives her hanging over her head. “Hey,” Clarke mumbles as she answers and just hearing Lexa breathe makes her feel lighter, makes that ugly twist in her gut ease slightly and her heart pump with affection rather than pain.

“Baby, are you okay?” And Clarke closes her eyes as she hears the term of endearment because it always does something funny to her heart that’s already so fully given to the girl on the other line. She has a way of calling Clarke that at all the right times, a way of saying it that makes everything better, that makes the blonde forget about her problems, forget about her worries and just focus on the pretty brunette girl she’s falling for.

“Rough night, tell me something good.” Clarke mumbles, listening as the other girl breathes into the receiver for a moment while she thinks through a reply. Clarke wishes she could see that knit to her eyebrows she gets when she thinks, wishes she could see her pretty green eyes as they study her mood, wishes she could feel her lips on her own and touch her skin as they lay silently in the darkness of Clarke’s bed.

Clarke misses her so much and it’s ridiculous because it’s only been two days.

“The Break Up is back on Netflix, and your favorite pizza place is having a sale on that cookie dough you like.” The brunette has this tone to her voice, this light hearted upbeat attitude that makes Clarke smile slightly as she listens to her soothing town wash over her through the line. She loves Lexa’s voice, but only now does she seem to appreciate it more than she ever has before.

“Did you buy some?” She asks quietly, her tone far too defeated for her liking.

“I did. Three containers that are now in your fridge.” She can only imagine Lexa’s proud smile as she says that and closes her eyes to get a better picture of her pretty lips, turning up with the grin that Clarke knows she wouldn’t be able to resist kissing.

“You finally used your key,” Clarke beams widely and feels her heart beat a little less painfully as the other girl laughs her most beautiful laugh, the phone cutting in and out slightly through it so Clarke can’t hear all of it. She wishes Lexa was with her.

“Yes, I’m actually in your apartment now and was missing you.” The brunette’s tone is quiet when she says it, that same tone she gets when she’s afraid of admitting something she’s feeling. Clarke loves that tone, loves that all her confessions feel like a secret that only Clarke is allowed in on.

“I miss you.” Clarke admits letting her eyes slip open to pear at the window and watch as multiple cars pass her. “I miss you a lot.” She further admits, feeling that sinking in her heart as she thinks about breaking whatever this is off with Lexa and how much she never wants to do that. Lexa gives her hope, Lexa makes her feel things nobody has ever made her feel and she might not be allowed a chance to experience all of it, to show Lexa how deeply Clarke is starting to care for her because it’s be with Lexa or her brother and she couldn’t give up her family. None of this is fair.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Lexa’s tone is so soft and Clarke feels her eyes water again before she can help it. At least Lexa can’t see her being so weak.

“Just my mom, again.” She sniffs slightly and listens as the other girl just breathes for a moment into her ear.

“Do you want me to punch her? I’ll punch her.” Lexa’s tone is light but there’s an edge to it, an edge that tells her that maybe Lexa is a little more serious about the statement then previously intended.

Clarke laughs. “Yes because I can’t do it without feeling guilty.” Clarke listens to her favorite laugh in the world resonate through the speaker and she feels comforted in a way that nobody else can comfort her. Miles apart and Lexa is still the only person that makes her feel this way.

“Clarke, you don’t have to tell me right now or ever, but I’m going to ask anyway.”

The blonde breathes a moment. “Okay,”

“What happened with your family that made you so… distant from them and when will you tell me about your brother?” Ahh, so Lexa did hear her mother the other day… well not surprising, her mother is always much louder than she needs to be.

“So you did hear some of that conversation.” Clarke grins widely as she lets her eyes shut yet again to try and imagine what Lexa may look like tonight, probably with her hair down and in something comfortable, or maybe she just got back to Clarke’s apartment from something more professional and she has those braids in her hair and a nice outfit on that brings out every crevice of her body that makes Clarke’s body burn. “His name is Jake, he’s very fascinated by you.” She informs lightly, she could listen to Lexa breathe forever.

“Is he?” Lexa doesn’t press her about the other question, clearly letting Clarke pick whatever she is comfortable with. Clarke isn’t sure she could tell Lexa yet, she isn’t sure she ever can. She wants to try at some point, but right now, so far away from her, is not the time to do so. Not over the phone while she sits on the side of the road, missing Lexa, missing her father, missing her mother.

“Yes, he asked me a billion questions about you tonight.”

“Why did you never bring him up before, like when I told you about mine?” Lexa is asking a simple question and Clarke knows she doesn’t have to answer it.

But she decides she will anyway because she wants to, she wants to let Lexa in. “He was born the same day my dad…” Clarke can’t put the words together for some reason tonight, but Lexa still understands her, like she always does.

“I’m sorry,” She says softly, so sincerely that Clarke’s heart is leaping into her throat and she feels the water in her eyes threatening to shed if she opens them. “I hate being so far from you,” She mumbles out almost frustrated. “I can’t exactly comfort you on the phone.” And Clarke can’t help that she finds it kind of cute, knowing both of them seem to be missing each other in much the same way.

“Lexa you’re doing just fine at it trust me.” Clarke sighs heavily.

“It doesn’t feel like enough,” and Lexa admits it in that way she admits other things, like she’s afraid of what saying it will mean, like it’ll break something incredibly important and Clarke’s starting to understand why she may say it like that because she can feel herself breaking at the statement because Lexa cannot be hers and she wants nothing more than to be with her.

“You are more than enough,” Clarke smiles briefly. “You’re perfect.”

Lexa snorts. “Ego boost,”

“Gotta keep it in tact.” Clarke responds and wishes desperately that the phone would stop cutting out whenever she laughs.

“Clarke I,” Lexa cuts off for a second and Clarke wishes that her phone would stop acting like a jerk.

“What?” She asks almost desperately, leaning forward in her seat as if that will help her hear better.

“Nothing, I’ve got to go, I’ll call you tomorrow, get some sleep.” And before Clarke can properly say goodbye, Lexa has hung up, confusing the blonde somewhat but she can’t help but feel slightly more at ease now that they have spoken.

Her drive to her hotel is less of a struggle and she finds that thinking about Lexa puts her to sleep pretty fast, even if her sleep isn’t as good as if the brunette girl was laying against her.

***

“Is this going to become a tradition?” Anya snaps at the both of them, the girl’s clinging to each other, drunk and clearly very love-struck that it almost nauseates the older girl. She’s reminded of last year when she had to do this, but this time she thinks it might be impossible to get them to part at all, both of them tripping into the backseat because they can’t let each other go.

“You’re so pretty,” Lexa whispers into Clarke’s ear, but Anya can still hear the slur of her words and the giggle that it erupts from the blonde, rolling her eyes until she’s sure they go through her skull.

“Ugh,” She grumbles as she slams the back door closed and is getting ready to get into the car when Octavia and Raven bounce out toward them, both of them clearly drunk too. Anya did not sign up for this. “Oh no, I did not say designated driver for Lexa and Clarke and friends.”

“We are half Clarke,” Octavia protests drunkenly in a tone that makes no sense.

All Raven says is, “Please,” and she bats pretty eyelids that have Anya’s resolve melting immediately. She figures if Lexa wasn’t so drunk she’d certainly never hear the end of it from the brunette after she tells Raven yes. Lexa was always smug about knowing when Anya had a crush on a girl; she certainly loved to rub it in her face, and even know that was certainly annoying, Anya still loved her.

Raven climbs into the passenger seat and Octavia climbs into the back with the other two girls, who haven’t parted even for a second, still giggling at each other and whispering things into each other’s ears like they have deep secrets to share, or like their apart of some club that nobody else is allowed in. It’s honestly so nauseating Anya is surprised she hasn’t actually thrown up from the view of it.

She knows one thing is for sure, she’s not doing this next year. Those two can kiss all they want next year and wind up in someone’s bed and feel regret because Anya is tired of babysitting. They’re both adults and if they can’t figure it out by next year, she really shouldn’t step in anymore. They’re both ridiculous anyways.

She knows a piece of her will still probably step in because this is Lexa she’s talking about and she’d never let anything bad happen to Lexa.

“We’re heading to my house because I can’t separate them,” Anya announces to the car, but most everyone is drunk and not listening. Octavia is sluggish and tired whereas Clarke and Lexa seem to be wide awake with loads of energy, hearts bursting and bright as they sit in the back, arms around each other, fingers exploring spots that are still appropriate but almost not, whispered words that Anya is certainly glad she can’t hear.

“Can I sleep in your bed?” Raven asks a bit flirtatiously, but her drunkenness has her slurring the words in a way that makes her only look adorable.

Anya can’t help her small smile. “Yes,” she says again and is beginning to think that the word no doesn’t exist when it comes to Raven. She wouldn’t be surprised if she won’t be able to ever manage it again around the girl, she is so very pretty.

“You guys are gross, Clarkeeee,” Octavia whines in the back and Anya adjusts her mirror so she can see what they’re doing. They aren’t kissing quite yet, thankfully, but Lexa sure is close to it. The brunette’s lips hovering over the blonde’s, Clarke’s hand around the back of Lexa’s neck getting ready to pull their faces together.

They’re honestly ridiculous

“Lexa, what did I say,” Anya demands and she watches the brunette scowl in what she thinks is her direction, pulling back from Clarke’s mouth with a slight pout that she never got to reach her much desired destination.

“No kissing,” She mocks and watches the pout that crosses the blonde’s face at the realization that she won’t be getting any kisses tonight.

“Why not,” Clarke’s pout only furthers, clearly more awake then the last time Anya had to drive the pair home. She’s sure that’s a curse as they both are even more handsy than the last time and Anya isn’t sure when she does finally get them home that she’ll be able to control how they are with each other. She can only keep them apart for so long before they decide to hell with her and blow up in her backseat with something Anya really would much rather never see, even thinking about it makes her cringe. Lexa is like her baby sister, she doesn’t need the image.

“Because kissing is bad,” Anya informs, starting her car. “Is everyone buckled?” She asks, but it feels useless to say to all the drunken idiots in her car, though the question makes Raven immediately perk up and tug on the seat belt until she’s clicking it safely around her and smiles at Anya like she should be proud of her. Anya would be lying if she didn’t think it was adorable. Octavia has her seat belt on and is falling asleep against the window as Anya squints into the mirror, trying to see if the girls are safely buckled.

“Lexa, Clarke,” The two of them seem to break their gazes apart; their conversation splitting off to look at Anya like they’re in trouble and Anya finds herself rolling her eyes again. “Buckle.” She snaps at them and watches as Lexa suddenly perks up in her seat again, reaching over Clarke and buckling her in like the blonde isn’t capable of doing it herself.

“My baby’s safe and sound,” Lexa sighs sweetly, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s cheek that makes the blonde giggle and turn her head slightly so their lips brush.

Anya thinks she gags a little. “NO KISSING!” She shouts, making the whole car jump to her loud voice. “Lexa buckle.” She demands and watches as the brunette processes her request rather slowly through her drunken brain.

“Lexa buckle,” Clarke repeats sounding worried and the brunette immediately springs herself into action, buckling herself up and snuggling back into Clarke.

Anya is sure if she keeps rolling her eyes their going to get stuck in the back of her head.

“They’re gross.” Raven states matter-of-factly, though she seems to stare at the both of them with an amount of affection that makes Anya curious. She wonders if Raven is a soft drunk, she seems like it, all droopy eyed and happy smiles. It’s adorable and Anya has to force her gaze off of the girl as the smarter girl catches her staring. She thankfully says nothing about it.

“And in love,” Octavia grumbles.

“Don’t let them hear you say that.” Anya shakes her head as she pulls her car out of park and begins to back up, now that all her drunken passengers are safely buckled. She feels like a mom, but then realizes for Lexa she kind of always has been a mom, protecting her and providing for her as much as possible even though only five years separate them in age.

That’s why it’s slightly frustrating that she can’t save Lexa from her inevitable heartbreak.

“Can’t save Clarke either,” and she hates that Raven is in her head, like she can read her mind even when she’s this drunk, glancing at the girl briefly before shaking her head and shaking the thoughts off to focus on just getting everyone back to her place.

Now is not the time to dwell.

***

“So what about your co-star, you two seem close?” The interview lady, she thinks her name is Tina but she can’t quite remember, asks her, all knowing grin and light hearted smile. Clarke is a pro at handling nosy interviewers. She’s had to do it for a while now, every single time she’s caught seeing anyone, even if being caught with Lexa makes things a bit more complicated for her.

She laughs it off. “Yes, we’ve gotten very close which really helps when we have to play out any scenes together because our chemistry is more natural. You can tell it’s not forced and I think that’s good.” Clarke tries to keep the topic on the show, on her character, on her story arc which is where this interview is supposed to go. But no matter how she tries they will manage to add a question that dives a little too deep into her personal life and she’ll have to fight them off in much the same way she always has.

“You are aware of the fans nickname for you two right?”

“Oh I’ve heard it, quite interesting. Our fans are always really dedicated, it’s cute. Lexa and I, we both know the impact this kind of role has, this kind of story and we take it very seriously. We want to represent people the best we can, in the best way we can and we know we can only do that by working with the script the best way that we can and being as genuine and real about it as possible.” Clarke is almost proud of herself for managing to turn every interview question into one about her show, even when it’s clearly not.

“How have you and Lexa been handling the dating rumors?”

Clarke chuckles but its fake, because of course it is. She hates this question. “Rumors are rumors, Lexa and I are great friends, I admire her a lot and we work really well together. That’s all that really matters.”

“You two look great together,” The interviewer says enthusiastically and Clarke only manages a fake wide smile at her, nodding her head and wishing for this to be over.

“It’s dumb is what it is,” Lexa raises her eyebrow at the blonde and flips through the article, examining the written words, but mostly straying to the pictures because Clarke looks beautiful and those pictures tell a far more striking story than any article ever can.

“You think our fans are dumb?” Lexa’s tone is full of amusement, though she knows how irritated Clarke seems to be over this article. She thinks the blonde is adorable when she finds something irritating, well, Lexa finds her adorable almost all of the time so perhaps that isn’t a surprise really.

“Lexa, that’s not what I said. I think she’s dumb, our fans are cute.” 

“Are they?” Lexa feels even more amused than she was before as she watches the blonde girl glare at her ceiling. For a change they are at Lexa’s home, the blonde strewn out across her large mattress as she stares at the shapes and curves in the ceiling trying to find patterns there, playing with one of those fidget spinners Lexa picked up for her to help with her anxiety.

“They’re creative,” Clarke sighs heavily, watching the gadget in her hand instead of the ceiling, though Lexa is only watching her, pushing her laptop aside and crawling across the bed until they are closer because being this far apart from Clarke Griffin for too long is just something Lexa can’t stand.

“Are they?” She teases, grinning down at Clarke until she’s able to gain her attention, the blonde’s breath catching slightly as their eyes meet.

Her eyes dilate and Lexa doesn’t know why but she does know how much she always finds the action a little too sexy to resist. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but don’t hover over me like that,” And Clarke sits up as if to back away from her slightly. Lexa fears she made the blonde uncomfortable and backs away from her as well, Clarke’s eyes still dilated much in the same way they get when they’ve been kissing a little too intensely. The signals don’t add up but if Clarke tells her to back off she always will. “It’s extremely attractive.” Then Lexa feels her heart race as a response rather than the dread and disappointment that had begun to take over the feeling in her gut at the thought of making Clarke even the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Her cheeks are warm as the blush rushes through her and a soft smile is on her face again, crawling across the space until she’s yet again closer to Clarke.

“Is it?” She mumbles quietly and Clarke’s eyes drop to her lips causing Lexa to bite down on her lower one as she does, and then Clarke’s hands are flying out around her, pulling the brunette against her and Lexa’s mouth is covered by the blonde’s in an instant, her tongue pushing deep into her mouth almost instantly. The kiss is urgent and hard and Lexa moans deeply as Clarke’s hands tangle into her hair tightly.

She hadn’t expected that at all.

She’s not going to complain though, her own hands circling around Clarke to pull her against her, and humming slightly as she feels Clarke relax against her body, fitting perfectly with her in a way that nobody else can and she’s sure nobody else ever will.

Clarke is full of surprises today, however, pushing Lexa down into the bed and kissing her intensely until she’s sure she won’t be able to find air ever again. The girl’s hands moving from her hair and under her shirt, something she hasn’t done since they started this practicing thing, along the skin of her stomach and lifting the material up slightly, so Lexa can feel the cold air and Clarke’s gentle hands alone.

She moans again and Clarke’s hips push into hers. Her body warm and only getting warmer as Clarke’s hands travel up, but hesitate over the swell of her breast. Lexa doesn’t even think as she reaches for Clarke’s hand and places it over the cup of her bra, moaning deeper as Clarke’s fingers squeeze the soft flesh in her palm. She can’t think very clearly while Clarke kisses her mouth and touches her with her hands. The only think that she can even mange to think coherently is that she wants Clarke’s hands all over her.

Clarke moans as well when Lexa’s hips push up into hers and her tongue brushes roughly with Clarke’s, she tastes good, she taste better every single time they do this and Lexa doesn’t know if that’s because she’s falling for this or for her. Her brain short-circuiting easily as Clarke’s hand travels under the cup of her bra to press against her skin, gentle fingers grazing over her nipple until her lips are parting from Clarke’s because she really can’t breathe and the breathy noise she makes has Clarke freezing on top of her, fingers no longer moving as her eyes, so dark and heavy and dilated, more than ever before, stare down at her as if she is only just now seeing her for the first time.

Then she’s backing up from Lexa and the brunette can feel her body scream in protest, resisting the urge to vocalize her want that’s so obvious anyways as she lays below the girl, breathing heavily and body flushed with her desire. Kissing Clarke Griffin is her favorite activity, but it’s starting to wind up her body in a way that she knows can’t be satiated by kissing alone.

A warmth between her legs that’s almost embarrassing, throbbing for things she won’t ever request from the blonde without knowing that it’s something Clarke most definitely wants to and with Clarke adjusting her bra and pulling away from her, she knows that, that right now, is not something Clarke wants at the moment. 

She’s embarrassed that she’s looking so incredibly needy, that she’s probably so red and still panting and there isn’t anything she can do to cover up how much she desires the blonde, how much she’d love to ignore every boundary they’ve built up to protect themselves and just finally gratify the desire that grows within them both, make the girl feel so good she doesn’t have to worry about anything else. She knows she could, she knows that.

But she doesn’t act on it and she doesn’t tell Clarke that, watching as the blonde tries to catch her own breath and put some space between them, her own cheeks a nice rosy pink. “Sorry,” Her voice is hoarse and raw and Lexa has to close her eyes as she hears it, the tone shooting through her body and straight between her legs. She resists the urge to be completely obvious about what that low voice always does to her, instead taking in a few deep breathes and opening her eyes again, pulling herself from the flat position Clarke had pushed her in.

“Don’t be,” Lexa clears her throat; her voice is rather low as well, shaking slightly. Clarke’s eyes are back on her lips. “I’m going to get some water.” In fact, Lexa herself is shaking, utterly and completely as she manages to stand, the uncomfortable wet feeling between her legs she ignores as she walks out of the room, taking in a deep breathes as she flees the suffocating area so she doesn’t do something incredibly stupid.

Clarke is going to kill her and she’s going to love every second of it.

***

“Clarke?” Raven snaps her fingers in front of the blonde and watches as her friend finally comes out of her thoughts which she had been deeply invested in, the corner of her lip raw with her own worry and unspoken discussion.

“Sorry what?” She asks, her voice sounding a bit off and lost.

Raven was a bit concerned for her friend, she had been ever since she had gotten back from visiting her family and she can only assume that Abby has done or said something else to completely ruin Clarke’s hopes about something in her life. Abby Griffin was just someone that Raven was probably never going to understand. How she can have a daughter like Clarke and treat her that way will never be comprehensible. “Something’s bothering you, spill.” She forces her friend to scoot over in the chair; their other friends are distracted with the setup of a board game in the kitchen and aren’t paying any attention to them.

Except for maybe Lexa, who is glancing over at Clarke every few seconds but still trying to look as if she’s discreet about it. She isn’t, Raven has already caught her several times from the moment she had arrived. 

Raven wonders briefly if maybe the two are fighting. “I’m fine.” Clarke mutters slightly, the corner of her lip back between her teeth as her eyes focus on something in the distance in front of her.

Raven snaps her fingers again. “You are not.” The sassy brunette informs her blonde friend. “You’ve got something going on in that head and you aren’t going to feel better until you tell me, so tell me.” Raven adjusts in her seat so Clarke can see that she has her full undivided attention. “Did you and Lexa have a fight?” She asks and knows that’s not it when the blonde looks at her as if she’s crazy.

“Why would you think that?” She says as if she’s offended, blue eyes immediately seeking out the green eyed girl, her posture settling slightly once their eyes must meet. Raven thinks her friend is so far gone she’s almost hopeless, but she reframes from telling her that.

“She’s not over here and usually you both are inseparable.” Raven smiles slightly as her friend finally meets her gaze, managing to tare those blues from Lexa long enough to look at her, she smiles that wide supportive smile that she knows comforts Clarke. “It’s your mom, isn’t it?” And immediately after Raven says it, Clarke’s shoulders grow tense and her gaze drops back down to her hands that fiddle together anxiously.

“I can’t talk about this right now.” Clarke sighs, shaking her head as she pushes her fingers into her hair.

“Okay,” Raven reaches over and brushes her fingers through the blonde’s hair until she feels her relaxing. “You don’t have too, but stay after everyone leaves okay and just vent to me. You need to get it out; you’re chewing your lip bloody.” Raven’s worry and sincerity is clear in her voice, she wants to help Clarke with her mom but she knows she can’t, she knows this has been going on for a long time, longer than it even should be, and all she can do is be here for the blonde every time her mother seems to tare her back down again.

At that Clarke releases her lip and turns a defeated look on Raven. “It’s more than my mom, it’s just…” Clarke’s eyes travel behind her again and Raven figures she’s looking at Lexa. She seems like she’s about to say something but she must change her mind because her gaze drops and the corner of her lip is back between her teeth.

“Clarke, whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.” Raven smiles at her friend. “If its Lexa, I still think you should just tell her, tell her you like her but tell her why you’ve been fighting it. Tell her about your mom and what happened to your dad so she can understand why this is hard for you.” Raven adjusts so she’s closer to her. “If it’s your brother, go home, see him more, it doesn’t matter what your mom says to you. That’s your brother. You have a right to see him.”

“You know what she said to me.” Clarke’s voice cracks and Raven frowns. “She told me Lexa or him, can you believe that?” The blonde scoffs and Raven feels the anger at Clarke’s mother boil up in her before she can even control it. “It fucking sucks Raven, why is it like this? It wasn’t my fault but she still blames me and now I have to tell one person I love that I can’t be with her because I can’t give up the other person I love.”

“Wait,” Raven blinks. “Love?” And Clarke seems to realize what she’s said, her face paling as she looks at Raven.

“I said that out loud.” She almost whispers and Raven almost laughs but she manages to stave it off, knowing that a reaction like that wouldn’t go over very well with her blonde friend quite at this moment.

“You did.” Raven confirms.

“What do I do Raven?” Her friend sounds so lost and Raven wants nothing more than to help her, but she too has no idea what she should tell Clarke to do. She wants her to be happy, she knows Lexa makes her happy, but things are more complicated than that. It’s not that simple for her and Raven isn’t quite sure how to make it simpler.

“I don’t quite know, but I do know what your mom can do.” Raven grumbles as her heart races with slight rage.

“I can’t give up on her.” Clarke shakes her head sadly. “Maybe she’ll forgive me and,”

“Clarke, you have nothing to be forgiven for. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Raven says sternly and watches as her blonde friend nods but doesn’t seem to look convinced. And maybe the brunette is aware that she shouldn’t get this angry at this moment but she is because this happens every time, every single time. Abby Griffin somehow manages to pull Clarke back down every time she seems to lift herself back up.

“I know, but if I can just get her to see that and,”

“Clarke,” Raven scoots closer and finds her hands back in her blonde friend’s hair. “You have nothing to be forgiven for; don’t tell me she’s managed to have you believing it’s your fault again.” Raven’s tone is stern, only slightly, but still stern. The same way it gets when she knows she has to help Clarke be reasonable with herself. It usually happens after her visits from home, Raven has gotten used to that.

She wishes she could stop it, could protect Clarke from that pain but she can’t seem too. All she can seem to do is be here for her every time she falls.

“I was driving,” The blonde’s voice is quiet.

“Clarke,” Raven’s tone rises slightly and Clarke looks behind her as their friends look in their direction, but they’re still distracted by the board game. The only person that doesn’t look away from them is Lexa; her gaze is soft and concerned because somehow she just knows there’s something wrong with Clarke, even from all the way across the room. 

“It’s not my fault.” Clarke repeats softly, quieter so they don’t gain any more attention.

“That’s right.” Raven coos tenderly and adjusts Clarke so she can start braiding her hair, a simple and quick one, not Clarke’s favorite but one that will still comfort her in the brief amount of time they have until they are called in to begin the game.

Clarke just lets her work, her eyes following some invisible pattern in front of her as she says nothing for a long time. She is quiet, breathing gently and leaning back into Raven’s touches. It’s when her eyes close that she speaks again. “I’m falling in love with her.”

Raven smiles slightly. “Tell her,”

“I can’t.” And she says it like it’s painful, like it physically hurts her to not be able to tel the girl she loves that she does in fact love her. 

“So tell her about your mom.” Raven rests her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and feels the blonde relax as she ties the tie around Clarke’s hair to hold her braid in place for the rest of the night. She doesn’t know exactly what her friend should do, but she’s giving the best advice she can because that’s what Clarke needs, even if she doesn’t take it, she still needs to hear it.

“Okay,” It’s almost a whisper and Raven is surprised she hears her say it because it was spoken so quietly.

“She’ll understand. She’s been so good with you. If she does a 180 I’ll just kick her ass.”

“That’s not Lexa.”

“I know. If I thought that was her I would have kicked her ass already.” Clarke snorts and the friends part so Clarke can turn and look at her.

“You always know the right things to say.” The blonde mutters gently to her, hugging her briefly before pulling her up so they can join the others in the kitchen.

Clarke is by Lexa’s side, one arm moving around the girl’s waist and pulling the girl against her and Raven can’t help but watch as Lexa melts to the girl’s touch. She knows the brunette isn’t going to hurt Clarke, at least not on purpose, and she knows Clarke isn’t going to hurt Lexa on purpose either… She just hopes the two of them will figure it out before either one ends up getting hurt at all.

***

“So you’re going with Costia then?” Clarke asks her brunette friend gently, watching Lexa’s fingers as they rip open a couple envelopes, pulling out the pieces of flipping through them briefly, scanning over the contents rather uninterestedly.

“I told her if Anya bailed again I’d ask her first.” Lexa says sheepishly, like she’s somehow guilty of something but Clarke isn’t exactly sure what she would be guilty of. She’s only a little jealous, but not enough to let herself show it.

She smiles at her as if that is enough to reassure herself that Costia and Lexa will remain friends, even if Costia can give Lexa what Clarke can’t seem to be allowed to give her.

“Makes sense, she’s your friend.” The blonde responds easily, glad her voice doesn’t betray her by releasing any deeper emotions. She shouldn’t really be jealous, she doesn’t get too much why she is, well, maybe that’s not true, but jealousy isn’t Clarke’s favorite feeling so she does her best to ignore it.

“You’re my friend,” Lexa sets the envelopes aside and moves between Clarke’s legs, resting her hands at the blonde’s hips and looking into her eyes as softly as she can manage in this moment. Her hair has been straightened and her eyeliner looks fantastic and Clarke’s hands itch to follow the glitter along her cheekbones.

She looks really pretty for a friend date and that makes Clarke’s stomach turn a bit, but she again won’t say anything. Instead she settles on asking the same question she’s already asked plenty of times beforehand. “You don’t like her?” And the blonde probably shouldn’t ask Lexa that so much. If Lexa did like her it wouldn’t be fair of her to wish them apart. Clarke isn’t fair to her already. 

Plus Lexa has told her plenty of times that she doesn’t, she’s probably only irritating her by now with the question.

“Clarke,” Lexa says levelly, because they’ve been over this already and all Clarke does is nod in understanding rather than asking again. She should just believe her the first time. It’s not really that she doesn’t believe her, it’s just that she knows Costia probably deserves Lexa more than she does, and that always keeps this unpleasant feeling in her stomach still and steady, turning whenever she sees the way Costia looks at her.

The same way Clarke looks at her.

“Have fun,” Clarke says sincerely, meeting green eyes as she lets her arms reach out and rest around the brunette’s neck, watching as the small knit to Lexa’s eyebrows appear, clearly contemplating something. She knows she’s been off since she got back and she hasn’t confided in Lexa why and she knows she probably should but she just can’t seem to manage it yet, opening up hasn’t ever really been something that comes easy to her.

“Why don’t you come?” She asks gently, her tone so quiet and soft that Clarke spends a second just savoring the sound rather than searching herself for a reply.

“And interrupt your friend date, no.” Clarke shakes her head. “I know you guys still have some stuff to work out and you’ve missed her.” The blonde reasons even though a party of her screams at her to say yes, to join them and crash that datel.

She’ll ignore that part though. “What if I want you to come?”

“I want to come.” Clarke admits honestly. “But I don’t think I should.” She gives the girl in front of her a soft smile, reveling silently in the way Lexa’s fingers squeeze around her hips subconsciously, she loves being this close to her, loves that she can smell her and feel the heat of her body because she’s so close.

“Can I come over after then, or do you have a date?” Lexa’s eyebrows rise up and down as if to tease but her voice sounds off when she says it. Clarke thinks Lexa must not be thinking clearly if she could imagine Clarke anywhere else but right here, with her.

“I don’t date.” The blonde girl rolls her eyes and Lexa throws her one of those grins, that beautiful stunning grin that has Clarke falling every single day, that same one that captured Clarke’s attention the moment they met, that sets Clarke at ease when she’s scared or worried over practically nothing. She loves her smile.

“Maybe you’ve met your true love without telling me.” Lexa tries to tease again, but again her voice just sounds off, as if her heart is only half into the joke. Clarke wonders why that is, what might be going through her mind whenever she jokes about something like that. Clarke wants to tell her that if her true love isn’t Lexa, than she doesn’t want to know them, but she retrains herself from doing so.

“Truly not something I’d blab about.” Clarke lets one of her hands reach up to tangle through the side of Lexa’s pretty straightened brown hair, silently reveling in the softness of the strands between her fingertips. She loves playing with Lexa’s hair and she loves the way the brunette always melts whenever she does it.

“Invite me next year.” Clarke mumbles quietly. “Invite me first,” She asks gently and Lexa is still smiling at her, leaning forward and resting her forehead against the blonde’s, much in a move they often share between each other, always wanting to be closer than they can actually get.

“Please come, we can invite Raven and Costia can get in with her.” Lexa’s voice is hopeful and light and Clarke feels a turn in her stomach that’s almost pleasant but not quite. She doesn’t quite know what the twisting means, but she’s sure it has something to do with the overwhelming feeling of affection for the girl in front of her.

“Go have fun with your friend,” Clarke smiles at her softly. “Come over after.” She confirms and Lexa smiles softly at her, nodding her head and leaning forward enough that their lips press together gently in a very sweet and soft kiss, slow and everything that makes Clarke’s heart ache with love.

Love that she can’t feel, can’t ask Lexa to requite, can’t pursue, and it makes the blonde hurt. It makes her hurt because she loves her and she wants nothing more than to show her that, then to be with her and make her happy and take her to a roller skating rink where they can kiss and hold hands, and then spend all night with her in one of their beds, satisfying the ache that occurs between Clarke’s legs more and more with every interaction that she forces herself to ignore.

She hates this. She hates not being able to tell her how much she wants to be with her.

“I’ll see you tonight.” Lexa hums above her lips. “I bought you something? Is it okay if I bring it?” Lexa looks shy when she asks and Clarke’s heart swells until she thinks it might burst in her chest.

“You bought me something?” The blonde looks at her a bit stunned and Lexa can only smile at her, a soft nod as she confirms that yes, she did buy her something.

“Is that okay?” She asks shyly again and Clarke thinks there isn’t another person she will ever know in her life that can make her feel all the things that she’s feeling in her chest in this very moment. The aching that doesn’t quite hurt but isn’t quite nice, the turn of her stomach that’s more of a flip than anything else, the desire to never let this girl go, not ever, stronger than ever before.

Clarke has fallen in love and she aches with it.

The blonde takes in a deep breath. “Yeah, I actually,” Clarke bites her lip. “I bought you something too but I was saving it for your birthday.”

“My birthday is in July,” Lexa smirks at her as if Clarke is the most adorable thing in the world and it makes the blonde ache even more so.

“I know but…” Clarke bites her lip. “I was still saving it.”

“You can still save it; you don’t have to give it to me tonight just because I got you something.” Lexa rolls her eyes at her playfully and Clarke can only admire her, admire this moment because who knows when she’ll get one like it again.

“We’ll see.” She teases lightly and Lexa rolls her eyes, leaning in and kissing her very gently again, wiping Clarke’s brain of her worries for a moment as her fingers grip at the back of the girl’s neck to try and keep her as close as possible, her breath gone as she nips at the girl’s lower lips and hears her stutter into her mouth.

Clarke struggles to let her leave and misses her terribly when she finally does.

Perhaps Clarke shouldn’t have bought her more stuff earlier that day, perhaps she shouldn’t have set up her apartment expecting Lexa to show up when she knew there was a possibility that she wouldn’t. Perhaps she shouldn’t feel like she’s been kicked in the gut when Lexa calls to apologize because she can’t come, because her and Costia went drinking after roller skating and they were both too wasted and Lexa was getting a ride home from her and Clarke would be left with withering flowers she bought for her and cold food.

Perhaps Clarke shouldn’t have expected her to come but she still did. Lexa didn’t usually stand her up, and Clarke didn’t really realize how much she could really use her comfort right now, or just use her presence as it helped keep her out of her own head, and her own head wasn’t the lightest of places at this present time. 

But she is happy, happy with her day, happy with Costia tonight, happy and that’s all Clarke wants for her because Clarke doesn’t feel like she makes her happy, doesn’t feel like she could ever make her happy even though that’s all she ever aims to do.

Clarke is a mess, her life in turmoil even when she doesn’t show that it is. She’s controlled and even though she’s spent so long trying to break that control she hasn’t and can’t seem to find the strength too. She can’t make Lexa happy, she doesn’t know why she ever thought that maybe she could.

She doesn’t mean to cry either, alone on her couch with the stupid flowers she had bought for her in front of her. She doesn’t mean to feel lonely or to wish that Lexa wanted to be here more than wherever she was with Costia. 

Lexa was better away from her anyway.

She can’t make anyone happy.

***

Lexa paces for a moment, but stops because she doesn’t want to be obvious about the distress Clarke’s words have set her in. “Okay,” She says gently because Clarke has already requested they stop once before and Lexa feels like she had talked to her out of it. She doesn’t want to talk her out of it… if this is what Clarke wants then she has to accept that.

Even if her heart feels like it might be breaking. 

“It’s making things…” Clarke trails off once she seems to register Lexa’s response and then looks at her like she’s surprised. “Okay?” She repeats, like she had expected there to be a fight, but there wasn’t one. There wasn’t a fight at all, no matter how much Lexa wanted to have one because Lexa was on Clarke’s pace, whether the blonde knew it or not. If Clarke wanted to stop than they would stop, even if it hurt.

And it did hurt, that part she wasn’t sure she’d be able to hide because hiding things from Clarke Griffin was impossible anyways. “If you want to stop Clarke, we’ll stop. I told you that. Whatever you want.” Her voice cracks a little and she curses herself for always appearing so weak in front of this girl, as if she’s never spent any time in her life building walls and hiding behind them. Now when she could use them, they seem to have vanished.

“But what do you want?” Clarke’s tone is something else, something that Lexa can’t quite figure out. There’s something deep in, something quiet and unsaid and Lexa wants to ask, wants Clarke to tell her why and what’s been wrong with her lately but she doesn’t want to push. She wants Clarke to trust her with whatever is going on in her head, and if she doesn’t yet than Lexa has to wait for that.

“What do you mean?” Lexa’s hands tangle in her hair and Clarke steps closer though the brunette wishes she wouldn’t if she’s going to say goodbye to her like this. Closer just feels like torture when all Lexa wants is to beg her to stay, to tell her she’ll do whatever just to keep whatever this is, whatever their doing up. She doesn’t care, she wants it. 

But she doesn’t say that. She won’t say that. “You always listen to me Lex,” Clarke’s tone is soft. “You always go out of your way for me, you’re respectful and kind and you don’t seem to care about how something like this can hurt you.” And Lexa is confused because they don’t do this… they don’t actually talk about it, not in depth, not the possibilities or what it can end up doing to either of them.

“It can hurt you too.” Lexa whispers because whispering is all she can manage to do. It feels almost wrong to talk about it, to talk about what their kissing means, what’s behind the ruse that they created what the truth actually is.

“And I would deserve it, but you don’t Lexa. So tell me what you want and we’ll do it this time, not what I want, what you want.” And Lexa doesn’t get where this is coming from. All Lexa wants is Clarke to be happy, and if she’s not happy with this, with Lexa, than Lexa has to let her go, no matter how much her heart tells her not without a fight. She won’t push; she’ll give Clarke whatever she wants, just so she can be happy.

“What about what we both want?” Lexa’s voice cracks as she looks at those pretty blue eyes she’s been so lost in since she met her and she doesn’t know if she can handle a goodbye. An honest to goodness goodbye. She isn’t sure she could take going one day without knowing she can look into those eyes if she needs them. “Don’t leave me.” She says vulnerably and Clarke’s features soften even more than they already had.

She doesn’t mean to say it, but it slips out anyway. “I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke seems to promise as she steps closer. “Friends don’t abandon friends.” She tells her, but she flinches when she says the word friends like it’s not quite what she means.

Or maybe Lexa’s just reading into it because Lexa doesn’t want to just be friends, Lexa wants so much more than that. “I’m okay with stopping, I just… I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want you to be tired of me and,”

“Lexa I could never be tired of you.” Clarke’s hand is warm on her cheek, a comforting touch that makes her ache. “That’s not why I want to stop, I want you to be happy, and I don’t want you to look at me like this, like that.” Clarke’s voice quivers as Lexa stares at her and the brunette wonders what look she has on her face. She knows it’s vulnerable, maybe even hurt, no matter how she tries to mask it. She can’t mask anything around Clarke that she learned a while ago. “I’m staying; I’m here for as long as you let me be here no matter what. Do you understand?”

Lexa nods, but her eyes are watering nonetheless. “I didn’t mean to get so attached to you.” She admits brokenly and then Clarke is hugging her so tightly that Lexa can’t stop herself from feeling the soft break of her heart, a break that doesn’t make much sense to her, that she shouldn’t feel because she’s not losing Clarke, she’s not… but she’s losing a piece that she had grown so used to having, she’s losing Clarke’s kisses and her hand in hers and falling asleep together most nights.

She’s losing a girlfriend, behind closed doors, but Clarke felt like her girlfriend. “I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke assures her again, her voice strong and steady in her ear, reassuring, the kind of tone that always builds Lexa up, even as she’s in the process of falling down. “That’s not what stopping means, all that changes is we don’t kiss anymore, that’s all.” Clarke’s voice cracks when she says it and Lexa wants to scream at her with all the questions of why? Why do they have to stop? Why does she want to? 

Why?

“This isn’t because of Costia because I told you,”

“No Lexa, it’s not.” Clarke pulls back from her and tangles a hand into the side of her hair. “I want you to be with whoever you want to be with, but that can’t be with…” Clarke’s voice trails off again and Lexa’s heart speeds up in her chest. “Kissing me is going to get in the way of that, even if it is just practice.” And the words don’t feel right, they feel wrong because they haven’t been just practicing, that’s not what they’ve been doing this whole time, that’s not at all what they’ve been doing, that’s just been an excuse, a cover-up, a disguise so they both didn’t have to talk about what they are both feeling. So they can kiss each other and ignore the repercussions because not kissing Clarke Griffin is nearly impossible to accomplish.

She’s going to have to figure out how to do that, she supposes.

“I want you to be happy too.” Lexa mumbles and presses her forehead to Clarke’s, savoring their last moments of being allowed to be this close.

“I’m not sure I deserve it.” Lexa’s eyes open to look into Clarke’s and she feels her heart hurt for more reasons than her own pain. Clarke looks so sad, and she again as she urge to ask her why? Why is she doing this if she doesn’t actually want to, why stop when it hurts so much to?

“Yes you do.” She cups Clarke’s face in her hands and then she kisses her, deep and long, she pours herself into it, her pain of losing this, her pain for Clarke, her love for Clarke, her love.

And Clarke kisses her back, just as passionately, just as deeply, and Lexa can taste her tears when she starts to cry and it makes Lexa’s heart ache even more because what’s wrong with her? She’s been weird since she got back from her visit, so distant and afraid of something and now she’s crying because of the same reason that Lexa is aching and she doesn’t know why and it hurts her.

She wants to fix it; she always wants to fix it.

The blonde pushes Lexa back from her, wiping her eyes as if she’s furious with herself. “Baby, tell me what’s wrong?” Lexa’s voice is croaky and choked up because she’s not far off her own tears, but she staves them off, forces them down because she hates crying, especially in front of people, in front of girls she loves.

“I will, soon.” Clarke sniffs. “I just can’t yet.” Clarke blinks a few times and her eyes look bluer than Lexa has ever seen them. “It’s not your problem to fix and worry about Lexa, it’s my own, I have to do it on my own.”

“Okay,” She says gently and Clarke looks at her like she wishes for something that Lexa doesn’t quite know what is.

“I’m going to go home, I need some sleep.” She says as if she regrets it and Lexa has to fight the urge to beg her to stay.

“Okay.”

“I’m not going anywhere; I’m not leaving you, not unless you tell me to get lost.”

Lexa feels herself smile slightly, nodding her head as Clarke stares at her until the blonde must feel like she believes Lexa believes her.

“Bye,” The brunette manages as Clarke reaches her door and the blonde turns toward her, a soft smile on her face.

“Not bye, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She assures and steps out and Lexa watches her go.

She aches painfully and she doesn’t know how to just fix it.