Lexa did not expect to be here.
She did not expect to be standing outside of her best friend’s doorway at two thirty in the morning with flowers in one hand and a note in the other that said all the things she couldn’t manage to voice out loud. She never imagined she’d actually experience what this is like. What it feels like to fall in love with a girl that could never love her in quite the same way. She’s always been so good about it.
“I am straight.” They would say, and Lexa’s radar would turn off. She had always been a pro at it. She’s been teased plenty, but it doesn’t mean it ever worked. However, that’s not what this was about. Clarke hadn’t teased Lexa. Clarke was just Clarke, she couldn’t help that. She couldn’t help that she was beautiful and kind. She couldn’t help that she was absolutely everything right in the world and that Lexa had fallen hard for her… maybe even a little fast.
Clarke couldn’t help but be herself and Lexa couldn’t help that she was in love with her.
It almost felt wrong to love her the way that Lexa loves her. It almost felt wrong to feel this way so exponentially so. After all, the brunette haired girl that stands outside of her best friend’s door has never loved very easily. But loving Clarke Griffin… well, that was easy.
It’s not like she was crazy to do this. This isn’t crazy because Clarke is different. Clarke… Clarke would expect more from her in this moment than just flowers and a letter. Clarke would expect explanations on why she had left so suddenly that night last week, on why she wouldn’t be on season five when she had promised Clarke she wouldn’t leave until the show was done, on why Clarke’s soft nightly confessions weren’t enough for her anymore.
This wasn’t about patience or waiting. This wasn’t about pressure or demands. This was about being honest, which Lexa has not done since season one, episode six, scene eleven. This was about spilling her truth and finally being free of the weight of words she has held back for years. This was about Lexa and doing what she needs to do to be better, to do better by Clarke. She just needed to summon the courage because standing outside her door wouldn’t do it for her.
She just needed… Clarke.
But she couldn’t have Clarke that she knew. At least not right now, and she wasn’t going to force Clarke to try an become something that she wasn’t for her. She wasn’t going to try and force Clarke to make decisions that she didn’t even know the answers to yet. She wasn’t going to be the reason Clarke isn’t confident in her thoughts, in her feelings, in herself. She deserved better than that.
But she couldn’t bring herself to knock. She stood there, frozen. She knew she had to say goodbye, she knew she couldn’t leave without a word because what would that do to Clarke? Clarke loved her. She did, Lexa knows that too… she loves her, just not in the way that Lexa wants her to love her and that’s not at all Clarke’s fault. That’s her fault, for always letting her heart win over her head.
Who can really stop themselves from falling in love? Love was a force. It was god in the means that it was the most powerful thing to ever exist amongst anyone. Love… Love was terrible but incredible all at the same time and maybe it’s killing Lexa now but she wouldn’t give up knowing what it’s like to be in love with Clarke Griffin for all the prettiest things on earth.
Love and Clarke Griffin just go together.
So it should be enough. Clarke’s soft touches when they’re alone, Clarke’s quiet pleas in her ear when she’s touching her, Clarke’s soft kisses on her cheek when they part from each other, Clarke’s hand in her own even if she tells that interview lady that comes by that it’s “purely platonic”, Clarke’s embrace when she’s scared, Clarke’s voice when she’s tired, Clarke’s words when she’s happy, Clarke’s love even if she’s not in love. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough and Lexa can’t stop herself from feeling that way.
But Clarke doesn’t need to know that.
Clarke just needs to know that Lexa loves her before she gets on her three twenty five flight to London. That Lexa loves her in all the ways that you can love someone and that it’s okay that she doesn’t love Lexa like that too and that she’s sorry if she ever made her feel like she had too. She just needs Clarke to know that she is perfect and that Lexa just… loves her. Really, really loves her.
It’s not harmful, it’s not pressure, it’s not desperation… It’s just… love. Lexa wants nothing from giving her this letter besides her knowing because for some reasons she feels like it’s important for Clarke to at least know how she feels, just this once. She’ll let Clarke ignore it if she wants too, but she at least needs her to know… just this once.
Maybe it’s irrational but it doesn’t feel that way as she sets the letter in a neat position in the flowers. She doesn’t think it’s unfair or unkind or detrimental to Clarke because this is just knowledge. Lexa isn’t requesting anything, she’s just… telling the truth, which is something Clarke has always wanted her to do.
But leaving Clarke… Lexa can’t do that if she sees her. Leaving Clarke is the hardest decision she has to make tonight, or ever in her life and she doesn’t know how that’s fair because this decision… this decision is definitely harmful. It’s painful and it aches and it burns as Lexa leans down to set the flowers against the end of the door because Clarke has to see them when she opens it.
But she can’t see her. She can’t say goodbye to pretty blue eyes and soft hands and that sunshine like smile. She can’t do it. She has to just go because if she stays… if she stays she and Clarke will continue to love each other differently in ways that hurt them both. She and Clarke will continue to pretend that what they do in the middle of the night is just what best friends do, rather than what lovers do. She and Clarke can continue to pretend that one of them is not utterly and completely in love and the other just… can’t figure it out. If she stays it will destroy her just as much, and that’s not Clarke’s fault.
She can’t ask Clarke to feel something her heart won’t, and she can’t ask herself to stop feeling what her heart does. That’s not how love works. And it’s not fair and it’s not right but it is what it is and Lexa knows that now.
She knows that.
And as she stands yet again to look at the door in front of her, the door she has looked at so many times in the past couple of years. The door she pretty much considered her own because she practically lived here anyway. The door that held the greatest love she will ever know behind it, she knows that this is the right thing to do. She knows Clarke won’t understand at first. She knows it will hurt at first, the both of them, but they will move on.
She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she presses her hand to the wood and feels a small drop crash against her skin, and perhaps she spends a blurry second just watching the water from her eyes fall across her arm, but that also can’t be helped.
Lexa hasn’t cried in ten years.
She knows leaving is killing a piece of her… a big piece of her. She knows leaving will rip her heart from her chest and she isn’t sure she’ll ever get over it. But she has convinced herself this is the best for the both of them. So she stops hesitating.
She will knock, and then she will go. She will go for the last time from Apt. 3B and she won’t return. And maybe that thought hurts so incredibly bad that she almost feels herself collapse against the door, and maybe that thought takes a piece of her that had been happy for the last few years and destroys it… but she’s doing this anyway.
She swallows her feelings and she knocks because she’s always been so good at swallowing her feelings. And she doesn’t know if Clarke is up, but she doesn’t want to wait to find out and she takes off down the hallway, running.
She runs until she is out of the building, she runs until she finds her car and then she gets in it because the last thing she needs is Clarke to come out after reading her letter looking for her and to actually find her because Lexa can’t leave if she sees her. Lexa can’t leave if she looks at her or hears her or breathes her in.
So she starts her car and she drives away. She drives a little too fast and she passes her exit, but she can’t stop herself from driving because she feels like she’s forgetting something incredibly important… maybe it’s Clarke, maybe not but she can’t turn her car around even as she drives further down the road.
Her palms squeeze the steering wheel; she has a knuckle white tight grip. Her vision is blurry because she can’t stop crying and maybe that’s dangerous as well but she suddenly feels empty because Clarke Griffin is her everything.
How is she supposed to leave her everything?
How is she supposed to survive this aching feeling that has grown so powerfully and so massively in the last few minutes, how is she supposed to do this? She is not strong enough. She has never been strong enough.
She still doesn’t turn around but she does pull over. She pulls over and she closes her eyes because she needs to be strong now. She needs to be strong for herself and for Clarke because this is the way it has to be. She will not hurt Clarke anymore. She will not ask anymore of Clarke than she can give. She’s doing this because it has to be done but she can’t at all think of a reason why anymore, even though she had thought of plenty that had gotten her to the door.
It the last thing she thinks before she starts her car again.
“Clarke,” The blonde snaps her gaze up from the table in attention to her name being said so… delicately. She has never heard it spoken like that before. Her eyes had been far too focused on the pages before her. Different scripts for episodes one through six all at once, and it was a bit overwhelming. Especially when they handed them to her as they told her she got the part. “You are Clarke right?” The voice comes again as Clarke’s eyes meet her and a pair of beautiful green ones and she can’t help the way her breathe catches because god, Lexa Woods is beautiful. Far more beautiful in person than any television screen could ever portray.
“Yes. Lexa?” Of course she knows it’s Lexa, of course she knows that but it feels weird to act like she already knows who she is so Clarke just kind of goes with it as she makes to stand from her chair. She tries for smooth, but she nearly trips on the leg of her table and her palm comes down hard on the metal surface, making the small round thing shake under her weight as she catches herself.
She’s sure she’s blushing excessively when she meets Lexa’s green gaze once again, and sure enough, the small tilt of the brunette girl’s lips is hint enough that Clarke has thoroughly embarrassed herself, and of course she has, and of course she would. Her friends didn’t call her “klutzy Griffin” for no reason. She’s earned that title.
“I must admit, you are way prettier in person.” Lexa says so brightly and gently, that little smile on her lips soft and amazing to stare at. Clarke does like the way it looks on the green eyed girl’s face, but she manages not to let her eyes stray too awkwardly, and offers the brunette girl her own bright Griffin grin that her mother says she inherited from her father.
“I was kind of just thinking the same thing about you.” Clarke admits nervously with a small hiccup of a chuckle escaping its way out of her throat, offering her hand out toward the girl. She doesn’t know if that’s too formal, but she doesn’t want to embarrass herself any more than she already has, so she again, just tells herself to go with it. Her breath nearly catching yet again as the girl’s warm palm is placed into her own and a small shake is made between the both of them.
“I don’t usually do this, but I’m very passionate about this project and I thought it would be good for us to get to know each other a bit if we were meant to be acting so closely together.” Lexa offers in a soft friendly tone as her palm parts from Clarke’s. The blonde did not at all expect Lexa Woods to be so friendly towards her; she had expected polite, she had actually figured the woman would appear more intimidating, as most people who have met her have all said that’s the way she is. But she didn’t expect the overabundance of friendliness.
Perhaps Clarke just caught her in a good mood, perhaps Lexa is just nice. Clarke doesn’t know. All she does know is that she’s incredibly nervous. “Yeah I totally agree. I only just found out I got the part today, so I was just,” Clarke makes a jester toward the chair across from the one she had been sitting in when Lexa had first arrived. “You wanna sit?” She asks politely and can’t help the small smile surfacing across her face to answer the one along the brunette’s lips. Lexa had such a pretty and magnificent smile. How anyone says anything at all with that smile trained on them is a mystery to the blonde.
“Oh yes, thank you.” The brunette girl slides into the chair across from the blonde’s and Clarke is careful about how she takes her seat, as she doesn’t want to fall into it because she can’t get a handle quite on her nerves. Not that Lexa was nerve wrecking; she was actually making things so much easier by being so friendly and forthcoming. Clarke has just always had a problem with nerves and Lexa is so very pretty.
“They told me last week you got the part, it’s a little weird you only found out today.” Lexa says easily, reaching into the center of the table to look at the café beverage menu that had been stuck between the condiments on top of the small round surface.
“I wasn’t really reachable for a while; I’ve been filming a movie in a location where cell service is practically non-existent.” Clarke watches Lexa as her eyes seem to examine each drink on the list. There’s a small knit to her eyebrows as she contemplates through the options and Clarke thinks it kind of adorable.
It’s no secret that Lexa is her girl crush; it’s kind of against her luck that she’s getting to work with her on a show at all, as most of Clarke’s endeavors have fallen through. But one with Lexa Woods in it was practically guaranteed to succeed, and on top of that, Clarke gets to work with someone she greatly admires. All her friends have teased her about this possibility for weeks and now here she was, in a small café, with Lexa Woods starting the beginnings of a casual conversation. It was almost surreal really; that she was even getting this opportunity… or that Lexa freaking Woods was sitting across from her trying to contemplate what coffee to order while she takes time out of her day to get to know Clarke.
“What’s good here? Do you know? I hate ordering something when I have no idea how it tastes.” Lexa’s smile is gentle when she looks up from the menu between her slender fingers at Clarke, catching her gaze easily as Clarke had been staring at her for who knows how long. The blonde swears those pretty green eyes are twinkling into her own as they gaze at each other a long, breathless on Clarke’s side, moment. Things are silent because Clarke is distracted and utterly infatuated by her and Lexa is just awaiting an answer which Clarke completely forgets she even has to give because who can remember a thing when those pretty green eyes are twinkling into your own?
“I’m sorry what?” Clarke croaks after a long moment of silence, and then Lexa’s grin is probably as bright as the sun, widening so it’s not subtle at all. Its breath taking to experience in person and Clarke wonders if Lexa is used to tongue tying the people around her with that pretty smile. She’s probably used to it, as she’s always been looked at this way surely by anyone she meets.
Lexa Woods is stunning.
“What’s good here Clarke?” The way she says the blonde’s name is something else. She seems to string it out, even clicks the “k” slightly in a way that makes the blue eyed girl shiver and tingle. She tries to hide that fact, but she feels bare in front of Lexa’s gaze, in front of her stunning smile. She knows she’s only star struck, she knows she’ll get over it, but right now, she had to work extra hard not to embarrass herself further by sputtering over her words just because Lexa is beautiful and says her name so… so…
“I don’t actually know,” Clarke replies sheepishly, ducking her head almost shyly. That doesn’t seem to bother Lexa though, who only shrugs it off and flops the menu back onto the table like it’s completely useless to her. Her dazzling smile and twinkling eyes remain as they gaze at Clarke.
And then she’s leaning forward like she has a secret and Clarke doesn’t know what to do with it. “Don’t freak out, but I’ve seen all of your movies.” Lexa’s reaching into the bag she brought with her and Clarke is following the action with her eyes because she can’t help herself. Lexa’s hands are as fascinating as the rest of her. “I’m kind of a huge fan and,” The brunette girl pulls something small from her bag and places it in the middle of the table. “I brought you something.” And it’s the brunette girl’s turn to look sheepish as she shrugs her shoulder shyly with a sweet smile and slides the box across the table.
“You got me a gift?” Clarke sputters out almost sounding astounded. Perhaps she was astounded. Lexa freaking Woods just told her she’s a big fan and got her a present, what kind of alternate reality did she just enter into?
“I’ve only done this one other time. But,” Lexa lifts the box open. “I made it.” The brunette’s eyes are back to twinkling bright as Clarke lifts the bracelet from the box and examines it. Her character’s name is along it in rough letters and Clarke can’t stop her fingers from tracing their shape. “You don’t have to wear it or anything, I,”
“This is amazing.” Clarke leaps out of her chair to pull the brunette girl into a hug just based on impulse, one that she’s never gotten once in her life before. She completely shocks herself as she wraps the brunette girl in her arms, and it seems to shock her even more when the girl hugs her back. Clarke isn’t a touchy feely person, but there’s just something about Lexa that makes her feel like they’ve met before… and of course she knows they haven’t, but there’s just something about her.
“I’m glad you like it.” The pretty brunette chuckles brightly in here ear, twinkling green eyes watching her as the blushing blonde backs up from Lexa to meet her gaze, and place some distance between them again.
“I’m so sorry; I don’t usually just hug people.” Clarke sputters out in embarrassment yet again, though Lexa just manages a cute little chuckle, her head tilting to the right just slightly as she locks in Clarke’s blue gaze.
“It’s alright; we’re going to be great friends.” Lexa confirms with a simple grin along her lips. Clarke finds that her nerves seem to dissipate quicker in the presents of Lexa’s smile and friendly behavior. The blonde is still utterly stricken by how beautiful the girl before her is, but Lexa makes things easy and because of that, Clarke is less nervous as she slips the bracelet around her wrist.
“This is really cool,” Clarke gushes as she twists the material around her wrist admiringly. “I’ve never had anyone make me something like this before.” She’s sure her eyes are probably twinkling like Lexa’s when she looks up because she’s getting that curious gaze from the brunette girl, and it makes her blush. It almost feels like Lexa can see right through her and she’s almost afraid Lexa can tell how fast her heart is beating just by looking at her.
“I find that hard to believe.” Lexa teases lightly. “Aren’t you normally surrounded by a copious amount of fans?” Lexa leans forward on the table again, like there’s some secret between them, and she places her chin in the palm of her hand as her elbow rests against the flat surface of the table.
She is stunning, Clarke thinks to herself yet again. She wonders how many times she can think that about Lexa without it being creepy. Or maybe she already is being creepy and she doesn’t realize it? That thought brings about new nerves that she doesn’t quite understand in the very moment.
“Sometimes, but they haven’t made stuff for me like this.” Clarke’s fingers are tracing the name etched into the material on their own now. Her own appendage probably wouldn’t listen to her even if she subconsciously told it to stop.
“Oh wow, I’m embarrassed I like bombarded you like a teenage girl.” Lexa is blushing then and Clarke finds it so utterly adorable that she actually giggles in her place across from the gorgeous girl. Lexa is blushing over her, how sweet, and a nice turn since Clarke has felt like she was the only one feeling utterly embarrassed.
“You’re totally fine, I’ve been star-struck for the last ten minutes.” Lexa’s hands fall onto the surface of the table to intertwine together, her cheekbones still littered with an adorable light pink color that Clarke thinks she could stare at for the rest of her life. It’s so pretty and Clarke is starting to wonder if Lexa Woods could ever look unattractive. Perhaps that is a little weird of a thought and she should maybe stop thinking things like this about someone she really doesn’t know that well. But it is Lexa freaking Woods. She would kind of be crazy to not think like this.
“I did bring the script for episode one. Kane said he usually does table reads with the whole cast and producers and such before giving out scripts but we’re on a time limit to get these six episodes done in the next two months.” Lexa is reaching into her bag again and Clarke watches the small clench to her jaw, admiring the features of the pretty girl’s face before she snaps herself out of it and reaches under the pile of scripts already in front of her. She doesn’t need to be caught staring.
“Yeah, I was going through them all before you got here.” The blonde shuffles the pages of episode one back to the front and sets it down on top of the stack. Her eyes linger only a moment over black ink before her gaze is shooting back up toward Lexa’s pretty face, because looking at her almost seems impossible to resist.
“What I was told is that our characters are supposed to have a super close intimate relationship.” Lexa’s green eyes are already scanning the contents on episode one. That knit to her eyebrows are back and Clarke finds it’s hard to tare her eyes off the girl to actually look down at the stack of paper below her to examine its contents for signs of the words leaving Lexa’s tongue. She eventually manages to do it though before Lexa catches her staring, though she’s bound to get caught soon if she doesn’t get a handle on herself. She didn’t know why it was so hard in the first place.
“Yeah,” She answers breaking her gaze from gorgeous features to finally scan the contents of the pages she had already looked over as well. “There is this scene though, at the end of episode one, and there’s another on three, and another on six that have… implications.” Clarke’s eyebrow shoots up on its own accord as her eyes cross the words of the page in front of her. She can’t help the small stutter her heart makes at the thought of playing opposite of Lexa Woods as a love interest. She hadn’t audition for the role with all the knowledge of her character, but she doubts she would have turned it down whether she had known or not. It’s not like there really was anything to know yet, but the implication felt like it must be talked about, especially with someone so professional, who has already played roles such as this before.
Clarke would be entering a role like this completely new and inexperienced. She doesn’t know how Lexa is going to feel about that or if it’s even a good idea for her to try and take it on, though she is one hundred percent willing to take on the task. She’ll have to explain it her friends, who already tease her enough about her girl crush on Lexa. They’ll never let her live this one down that’s for sure, but Clarke is willing to take on the challenge. Perhaps she shouldn’t get so hasty at the possibility, as it’s not clearly implicated and there has been no mention of it whenever she has spoken with any of the writer or producers of the show, so maybe she’s just reading into things a little much.
But if she wasn’t… well. She needs to prepare for that possibility.
“Oh?” Lexa finally tacks on curiously, shuffling through her own papers as if to find evidence as to what Clarke was talking about. “What page is that?” The brunette asks with her eyes glancing over at Clarke’s pages and squinting slightly as if that could help her see what she is looking for.
Clarke holds back a chuckle at the sight. “Seven,” She mutters easily, forcing her eyes back on the words below her rather than at the slightly confused pretty green eyed girl across from her. The blonde finds that her gaze fights her however, as if it’s just attached to Lexa and that just can’t be helped.
“Oh.” Lexa mutters out as more of a statement this time instead of a question. “You know, I’ve seen this kind of thing before. It doesn’t mean it’s romantic. But,” Lexa’s own eyebrows knit together in deeper thought and Clarke’s eyes stray to her on their own accord yet again. Lexa’s thinking face has got to be the cutest thing the blonde has ever seen, and she can’t help but wonder what she is contemplating so deeply about. She wonders how much Lexa knows about this project over how much Clarke knows. Probably more than Clarke knows, as she seems to be getting information on a larger scale, though she is as stumped about the implications on page seven as Clarke is and had been when she first read it. “I wasn’t informed that we’d be playing love interests. I don’t think you have to worry about that.” But Lexa voice doesn’t sound as sure as her words want her to appear while she scans the words below her. She wonders what Lexa is really thinking but she doesn’t dare ask, feeling as if that’s a boundary she probably shouldn’t cross in their first meeting.
“I guess we’ll see because I doubt they’ll tell us if we ask.” Clarke tries for light hearted at the possibilities but Lexa seems to lose herself in her thoughts for a long silent moment that Clarke doesn’t want to break for her. She snaps out of it after an instant, meeting Clarke’s soft blue eyed stare and a gentle smile brightens up her features yet again.
Lexa’s smiles are incredibly contagious and Clarke finds that she has one making its way onto her lips in response without much she can do about it. “I suppose you are right, cross that bridge when we get there.” Lexa shrugs as if it’s no big deal, but the reason Clarke had brought it up was still significant to the blonde. She had never played a part like that before, nor has she been kissing any girls in a while.
She fears she will be a disappointment.
“Lexa if they do go that route though. I’ve never actually…”
“Oh don’t worry, it’s just a part. If you need any help at all I’m totally here for you I promise.” Lexa just waves her hand slightly as if the problem Clarke was bringing up was completely insignificant to worry about. It did make things easier to know that Lexa would at least help her.
“I don’t want to mess up, I really want this role so if they throw curve balls at me,” Clarke trails off a moment, hoping she’s not coming off as rude. She’s really excited about her role; she doesn’t want Lexa to think otherwise. She just… wants to do well.
“Yeah, I completely understand. They most likely won’t do that though. I’ve seen this quite a bit. I always think it has implications too but it almost never ever does.” Lexa assures and then she laughs. “Writers do stuff like this and then wonder why people end up shipping f/f relationships that aren’t “meant” to be canon.” There’s a roll to pretty green eyes but she has an easy smile on her face as she glances at Clarke before looking back down at her own sheet yet again. Clarke finds her gaze is still so hard to remove from the brunette, though she manages to do it for a moment to look down at her own sheet.
“I think we should still… be open to its possibility though.” Clarke decides to encourage lightly, though the idea of playing a love interest for Lexa at all sends her nerves twisting her belly up in a way she hasn’t felt since she was in eighth grade and the cutest boy in history class had asked her to the Valentine’s Day dance.
What the hell would she do if she was Lexa Woods’s love interest in a television show? She’s played in a show like this before, even if it’s not this particular kind of role but add Lexa Woods on top of anything and it almost just seems overwhelming, or exciting, or perhaps both. Clarke isn’t so sure as her eyes wander across the soft skin she can see of the girl’s neck and the small curve of her jawline. She has nice braided hair, it all looks complicated and is pulled back out of her face.
She is perhaps the prettiest thing Clarke has ever seen.
“Oh yes, you are right.” Lexa shrugs in answer easily, clearly not as distressed by the possibility as Clarke is. Or maybe she’s just not overwhelmed by the facts of the role because she is far more confident in her own skin. That’s how it appears anyway, and who is Clarke to say that she shouldn’t be? She is stunning and talented. Things like a silly romance in a post-apocalyptic world probably don’t even make her blink twice. Anyone would be lucky to be her love interest. “Like I said, cross that bridge when we get to it.” Lexa eyebrow knit back together again as she looks down at her pages and traces her slender fingers over black printed words.
Clarke finds her eyes following the action before she can stop herself, and even as they continue and she is aware that she is staring and being obvious she cannot help it. The blonde finds her hands fascinating and she wonders if Lexa has ever been complimented on just her hands before. It seems crazy for her to not have had someone at least say something as she has the most beautiful hands Clarke has ever seen. “It seems our first scene together is page one scene two.” Lexa taps her pointer finger down on the contents but Clarke’s eyes are too distracted watching the movement.
Lexa looks up after the silence expands longer than necessary when waiting for an answer. Her eyes are gentle, amused, and curious. A soft “Clarke?” leaves her lips, clicking the “k” so Clarke can feel the shudder from before shuffle through her at the delicate sound. She may be amused but Clarke is slightly flustered at her thought processed and it snaps Clarke out of her contemplations, out of her trance that follow those fingertips still pressed against the black ink of the paper in front of the brunette girl.
A deep blush crosses the blonde’s face yet again for what feels like the hundredth time that day. “I’m sorry, yeah, scene two,” Clarke blinks a few times to snap herself out of this reverie she seems to be staying in no matter how much she tells herself to stop it. Lexa Woods is just a girl, just a person. It’s ridiculous that she’s having such a hard time focusing on a task because she can’t stop staring at her. She doesn’t understand or even know what’s wrong with her today.
She is never like this, especially about professional matters.
But Lexa isn’t just here as a professional, and as she says, “Would it help if you got to know me a little better before we read?” that realization is yet again dawning on Clarke to calm her down a bit. Lexa came here to get to know Clarke and vice versa. They want their chemistry to be good, their relationship on screen to be somewhat genuine. They want to know each other. That’s what they are mainly doing here, and the blonde should remember that.
Clarke’s eyes snap back up from the page to meet Lexa’s stunning greens yet again as if this was her first time noticing her, though she is well aware how obvious she has been in her ogling for the past twenty minutes. God, Clarke thinks she could stare at those eyes for days and then she thinks if Lexa could hear her thoughts she would surely be coming off as creepy so she tries to push those feelings as far back in her mind as possible.
“It might, I’m sorry I’m just a little…” Clarke makes a gesture with her hand but she isn’t sure if that’s fully understandable. Whether it is or not, the brunette girl still laughs, filling the space between them with such a beautiful sound that Clarke thinks her heart stops. How can Lexa be this perfect? She must be heaven sent because Clarke has never met someone so stunning and friendly all at the same time… she hopes Lexa is not heaven sent, as Clarke has always felt her life is mostly turmoil and she never wants to taint something so very pretty.
She seriously needs to get a handle on this girl crush. “Me too.” Lexa sits up on her chair and yet again intertwines her fingers together atop the script in front of her. “My favorite color is blue.” She offers slightly, a raise of her eyebrow that almost appears as a challenge but Clarke isn’t quite sure what she’s being challenged too.
Instead she just answer with, “Green.” Unaware if she’s supposed to say that but she does anyway. Lexa’s answering smile seems to tell her that response is just fine and they spend a good minute just staring at each other, slightly smiling and letting their nerves dissipate. They examine each other almost in the same way, as if just getting comfortable in each other’s presence is the first step…
Clarke thinks she has never been more comfortable with someone than she is with Lexa in this space right now.
When Lexa talks again she must decide to just dive in because she goes off on a tangent of stories of her life, many different kinds that are all interesting and all a part of her experiences. Stories that let Clarke in and Clarke answers with her own when she’s fixed with that easy going green eyed stare, and the space between them seems to shrink without their notice. Eventually Clarke is beside her to converse rather than across from her but neither girl seems to notice as they slowly get to know each other, diving into conversation so easily that the rest of the café seems to fade away… almost like they weren’t meant to be here all along, meant to meet.
Clarke realizes that she leaves the café at nine thirty six p.m. having not gone over the script whatsoever with Lexa at all. But she now knows her favorite color, her favorite movies and how Lexa got the scar on her neck right under her left ear.
Parting from Lexa for the night becomes an incredibly hard decision for the blonde, one that shocks her just as most things throughout this day have. She doesn’t know if Lexa feels the same at all but she does realize how fascinated by Lexa she is as she gazes at her retreating back.
Lexa glances behind herself at her one last time before turning a corner and when their eyes meet Clarke feels her breathe catch audibly, thankful that Lexa is not close enough to hear her. She knows one thing is for sure as she turns to leave in the opposite direction.
She’s got a girl crush that her friends are never going to stop teasing her about.
“Should I play this scene in the gay way or the best friend way?” The blonde asks brightly as she flops onto the couch in the seat right next to where Lexa has seated herself with a book propped open on the arm rest, and the script supported open in her lap, though she seems to be taking a break from looking it over, or maybe she’s just pretending to look busy, either way, the script is there.
Clarke’s proximity doesn’t bother the brunette the same way closeness by others has often bothered her in the past. She doesn’t seem to mind if Clarke is seated just a little near to her on a couch that comfortably seats three, in fact, part of her welcomes Clarke’s closeness, as it always seems to make her feel warm and light.
Most things seem to be pretty simple with the blue eyed girl actually. Maybe that should scare her a little bit since she doesn’t averagely like getting close with people, but it doesn’t frighten her at all. It’s actually almost a relief that she seems to like Clarke so much, growing up she had always thought there may just be something wrong with her, and that it’s definitely her fault that she’s not very good at making friends. But with Clarke that kind of makes her rethink that idea, coming to the conclusion that perhaps it just really depends on the person.
“What’s the gay way as opposed to the best friend way?” The brunette girl asks. She is unable to hide the small amused smirk attaching itself to her plump lips, she pretends she doesn’t notice the way pretty blue eyes seem to drop to them for a few seconds before her gaze scurries away back to the script she is fretting over. Clarke had this way of saying things and Lexa was never quite sure how she conjured up the wording to be quite the way it always was when it came from her mouth. She did know it was always entertaining, even if Clarke constantly found herself slightly embarrassing.
Lexa just found her rather adorable.
Clarke lets her eyes find her amused smirk again but this time she only narrows her eyes at Lexa, as if she wasn’t appreciating being laughed at. This just seems to make her smirk grow until it can almost be described as a grin. “Don’t make fun of me.” The blonde snaps playfully. She keeps glaring but there doesn’t seem to be any fire behind it, and Lexa knows just how much Clarke seems to admire her that it won’t last long.
And of course she’s right about that, it doesn’t.
Clarke’s face breaks out into a smile about ten seconds later. “I mean, should I act the scene out with implications, or should I try to be as platonic as possible?” She explains more clearly, though the statement still makes little sense to Lexa, as she’s not in Clarke head and doesn’t understand why she wants the separate the two, or how you even separate the two, as best friend’s don’t always “appear” platonic, and that’s kind of what Clarke was saying right? Should she try to make it appear platonic? Straight girls always did manage to say the weirdest things.
“How do you decipher what’s “platonic” in this kind of scene as opposed to what has “implications”?” She holds back her snort as Clarke brings her glare back but is unable to rid the smile on her face even as Lexa teases her. Clarke is always so happy, she reminds Lexa of sunshine because not only is her smile bright and beautiful, but her presents is always warm. Lexa can’t stop herself from staring at her smile, how could she when she has such a pretty smile?
“I don’t know okay, I’m just trying to figure out how I should act this.” Clarke groans, letting her head fall back against the couch with a dramatic sigh as she lets the script flop in her lap so it sits similarly to the one in Lexa’s.
The brunette can’t help the small snort of laughter that escapes her. “Just go with your gut. Like I said, I don’t know where they plan to go with our characters relationship. Act on what we know now.” Her hands move as she speaks; a habit she has never been able to break. “Clearly we’re very close friends, so act like you care about me.” Lexa figures the statement isn’t of much help, but she is highly amused by Clarke’s brief struggle. She never imagined she’d have such a hard time trying to figure it out. Lexa theorizes that it’s just because she’s nervous about acting in a scene that could have possible potential to be something more when she’s never played a part like that before… or perhaps Lexa makes her nervous, that’s something that the brunette also doesn’t understand but the blonde only seems to fumble over her words are her, and not anyone else they are currently working with on set.
Clarke’s slight nervous swallow into the space between them keeps Lexa’s smile firm on her face because it’s adorable how nervous she gets around her. It’s adorable, but it also makes Lexa want to do her best to make her more comfortable. She adjusts in her seat slightly, giving Clarke her undivided attention as she breathes in while muttering out, “I actually care about you though.” and for some reason, that Lexa couldn’t or wouldn’t want to name, it makes the brunette girl’s heart stutter in her chest a little bit. It’s not like the statement has its own “implications” outside of their fast moving friendship, but it still makes Lexa’s heart… feel.
They’ve only known each other for a little over a week, but for some reason, it already feels longer than that. It doesn’t scare Lexa, but it does make her wish her heart hadn’t started beating faster than normal against her breastbone like it currently was. She tries to approach the situation as if her heart were acting normal. “Then it shouldn’t be that hard.” She gives her a wink before she decides to snap her book shut and toss it on the table stand beside the couch. She turns on the sofa to face the pretty blonde girl and flips her script open to the scene she keeps fretting about because what’s the best way to calm nerves about a scene, other than practicing it? So she says, “Let’s practice.” with her right eyebrow tilting up with excitement at the statement. She loves mentoring people on scenes anyways, and she wants to make Clarke more comfortable, this seems like the best way to do that.
Clarke’s eyes seem to stray to her eyebrow for a moment, which Lexa has gotten quite used to in the past week. For some reason Clarke spends lots of time just watching her. She isn’t quite sure why but she does know Clarke is someone who likes to know things, really know things. So the brunette girl has just figured that perhaps the way that Clarke watches her is just her way of studying Lexa so that she can know her. She still isn’t aware if that’s really the actual reason or not but she accepts it regardless because it’s not like questioning it really matters much at this point in time.
“Practice?” Clarke’s voice shakes slightly as the word leaves her mouth. Lexa isn’t sure why the offer seems to make the blonde girl nervous, but she does know the cute little blush that crosses the blue eyed girl’s cheekbones is irresistible to not admire. Everything Lexa does seems to make Clarke nervous and she doesn’t know how to fix that. But she does know that Clarke is beautiful, even as she feels self-conscious. Though as Lexa admires her she knows she doesn’t want her to feel embarrassed anymore, not with her and definitely not about this.
“Yeah, rehearse. Don’t tell me you’ve never rehearsed lines before.” The brunette can’t stop the teasing that enters her voice, furthering the blonde’s cute little blush. She has a way about her when she’s blushing, the small smile on her lips and the quiet duck of her head that makes Lexa wonder how anyone could look so beautiful when they’re so nervous. Clarke surely was just, different.
“Shut up,” The blonde mumbles out again shyly with her adorable small smile that tells her she really doesn’t mind Lexa’s teasing all that much. She even pushes against her shoulder lightly with the palm of her hand and she can feel the touch surface through her to make her abnormal heartbeat worse. Lexa’s always been hopeless around pretty girls, but the way her heart reacted around Clarke was a little worrisome for her.
It always surprises her that Clarke’s touches don’t affect her in the same way as most touches do. Lexa doesn’t often like being touched by people in anyway at all. But yet again, Clarke is different when it comes to how Lexa feels about most things, and has been different the entire week that they’ve been getting to know each other. Clarke’s touches are always nice, warm, and playful. Clarke is affectionate in simple ways that make Lexa’s heart thud a little faster in her chest and makes her own blush flush against the skin on her neck, and she knows Clarke always notices because those pretty blue eyes always seem to follow the flushing skin, watching it as it changes color, which only makes it grow.
She thinks it’s nice to have made a friend she’s so easily comfortable with, but she also worries slightly about the way her heart seems to pound strangely in her chest whenever Clarke is near her, smiles at her, touches her, watches her. Clarke doesn’t have to do much but exist actually, and Lexa’s heart is on a high speed chase of its own that she doesn’t understand. She hasn’t had an experience where she is completely comfortable with someone like this since Anya, and she’s known Anya since she was five, and even that isn’t quite like this. That is more platonic in every way that it could possibly be. Lexa’s heart didn’t thud hard in her chest when Anya touched her, but all Clarke had to do was push her shoulder and it was suddenly leaping into her mouth.
“It might help you relax a little.” Lexa lays her hand on Clarke’s knee on another impulse shared between them, perhaps the same impulse that had lured Clarke from her seat on their first meeting to hug her. Whatever that impulse is, every time they touch it’s not uncomfortable mainly because of it. Perhaps that’s why they already have permission to touch each other in these small ways because it almost wouldn’t make sense if they weren’t.
That being said, they’re still getting to know each other, so some boundaries they don’t even think about crossing quite yet, like fairly personal questions or long touches such has tight embraces or, as the script says below, brushing fingertips across a cheek and resting their foreheads together. “Yeah, yeah, just,” Clarke clears her throat, eyes jumping to the hand on her knee and her blush seems to increase at an incredible rate.
Lexa doesn’t know why but she feels as if maybe she has made Clarke uncomfortable without meaning too, so she pulls her hand back almost nervous herself now. She even makes to apologize, but Clarke is talking again before she gets the chance. “That would be helpful.” Clarke’s tone is far more confident than it had been when she had spoken before.
She turns to Lexa as well now so they are knee to knee and looks away from her to look back down at the script. But Lexa finds that tearing her gaze from the pretty blonde girl in front of her is harder than normal, the script sitting heavy in her lap. Her eyes have a fire of determination in them that Lexa finds completely stunning to look at, they’ve always reflected the sky so of course they were hard for her to look away from, but that was beside the point. She lets her gaze follow the plains of her face, watching the way she bites the corner of her bottom lip when she’s thinking too hard.
And Lexa can’t help but wonder what might being going through her head that has her even thinking this hard. If it’s just the script, just scene seven, which has her fretting and worried or if there’s another reason that she’s so nervous and if there is another reason, what could it possibly be? She would ask, but she doesn’t feel like they’ve known each other long enough yet for her to dive into what could possibly be a personal question. Light touches like brushing shoulders and supportive squeezes of the knees are on a different level than insecurities.
Lexa hopes she’ll be able to ask Clarke these question someday though, as she wants to know her, really know her and help her through anything she may be feeling insecure about because Clarke is lovely, utterly lovely and Lexa can see them being really good friends. She hopes they will be. They seem to be heading there. Their chemistry is good; it would be a shame to let it go to waste.
“Like what you see?” Clarke’s right eyebrow tilts up playfully as her eyes meet Lexa’s in the next few moments, once the silence and Lexa’s staring had extended longer than usual. Her stare is full of mirth and light and it’s stunning. Lexa can’t stop the wide smile from etching its way onto her face because of it. Clarke was so easy to talk to, so easy to be with in these small moments. She made situations light hearted without even trying to and that is something that Lexa is sure is rare to find. Even if the blonde was always nervous around her, she was very good at being sweet.
She grins at Clarke admiringly, letting her green eyes gaze into Clarke’s pretty cerulean ones and she says, “You are very pretty,” she smiles wider as the blush comes back and crosses those lovely cheekbones. She almost wants to reach out and trace the color, as if she would be able to feel it on her own face if she could, but she knows she can’t do that and she knows that’s probably weird so she pushes the impulse to the back of her mind.
“Where do you want to start in the scene?” The blonde says with her small sweet smile in place just the way that Lexa appreciates. It lights up all of her features much in the same way all her blushes seem too. Lexa thinks she won’t ever be able to stop thinking that whenever she sees Clarke’s smile. She thinks she probably won’t be able to stop this unusual pound of her heart either, but that part she’s going to start ignoring at least.
She reaches over herself to tap her pointer finger against the first line of scene seven on Clarke’s script. “Just at the beginning, here,” She watches Clarke’s eyes follow the movement and she’s really starting to wonder what it is about her hands that Clarke seems so fascinated by. She’s gotten used to the blonde watching her but she seems to spend more time on her hands than any other part of her body, and that’s a really curious thing. It’s another question she doesn’t feel like she has permission to ask, and even if she did she doesn’t know if she would have the courage to ask it.
She supposes for now she’ll have to just let it go, but it still leaves her curious even as Clarke’s eyes break from her fingers to meet her own stare yet again. “Okay,” Clarke says and the small word fills the room with a heaviness that Lexa can’t seem to place. It’s not like Lexa hasn’t played scenes a little bit steamier than this. It’s not like this scene was steamy in anyway actually but for some reason, it felt… heavy. Heavy in a sense that it set her heart on an even faster pace than it was already on, just at the thought of Clarke touching her face lightly like the scene says, and looking at her like… she doesn’t know, but it make her nervous.
It feels heavy, that’s all Lexa recognizes as Clarke swallows audible into the space between them. Her voice is small when she speaks a soft, “You start” to remind Lexa after a moment of heavy silence, that she is the first line of the scene. The affirmation snaps Lexa out of her reverie and pulls her into the action she needs to have to encourage Clarke to be more comfortable with her. She flips her script open to scene seven and examines over the lines for a quick second before taking in a deep heavy breath of her own and letting it out very slowly.
For some reason she whispers. “Are you scared?” and she can’t stop herself from doing so. She isn’t sure if she wants to act it out that way, if she wants her character appear immediately as vulnerable as she has already come to understand that she is more commanding, more stoic. But she says it like she can’t swallow the emotions because there are too many just on impulse, it must be the same impulse that her and Clarke share when it comes to touching each other.
She lets her eyes shoot up from the script in her lap for only a moment to look into blue eyes before looking back down at the little black letters on the pages below, following with her pointer fingers along the letters.
The air in the room is so heavy.
“No.” Clarke says easily, quietly as well; just in the way Lexa had thought it should be said, and she holds back her smile when she glances up because she knows how talented of an actress Clarke is. She knows what she’s seen in Clarke’s many movies, but it’s different in person. Perhaps she’s somewhat of a fan-girl in this moment whether Clarke is aware of it or not, but this Griffin girl is surely amazing, and she doesn’t know how she doesn’t see it.
Lexa almost laughs at herself for turning into such a swooning mess over one simple word. But it’s Clarke Griffin… she supposes it’s kind of impossible to look at Clarke, to hear Clarke, without being star struck right in the moment she appears because the pretty blonde girl just has this way about her.
Lexa sucks in a breath before she’s whispering again. “I kind of am,” and she tries to prepare herself for Clarke’s impending touch, but it feels like she can’t possibly prepare for anything when the press of the blonde’s fingers are suddenly along her cheek. Her palm is warm, as is her breath that she can suddenly feel puffing against her lips. She doesn’t know how anyone could watch a scene like this and assume it has no implications, because it certainly feels like it has lots of implications as Clarke’s forehead presses to her own. Her heart isn’t just being abnormally anymore, it’s frantic.
“We’ll get through this together.” Clarke whispers, her voice shaking slightly as if she is feeling exactly what Lexa is feeling herself. As if her own heart is beating as hard and probably as loud as the brunette’s. She hopes Clarke can’t hear it being this close to her because that would surely be embarrassing, especially when she doesn’t know why it’s acting like this.
Clarke’s eyes are so much bluer when she’s this close to her, it’s the first thing she notices after she’s able to clear the fog caused in her brain because of Clarke’s touch and she doesn’t know if she can take staring into them any longer without doing something stupid. (Not that she would think about doing anything stupid when the girl in front of her is clearly straight, even if her touch makes her slightly feel like she wants to throw up.)
“I am strong if I have you,” Lexa can only manage a whisper yet again, and she knows she can’t say it that quietly when they’re filming, and the script doesn’t say to say it that quietly, but she can’t stop it from coming out at such a level because her heart is racing and she is thinking things she probably shouldn’t and Clarke’s eyes… are so marvelously blue.
Clarke’s reply she can barely hear over the pounding of her heart, and she hopes those pretty eyes don’t see the way her own flicker down to pink lips, that are slightly parted until the blonde is bringing the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth and Lexa’s thoughts are clearly inappropriate as she acknowledges what she’s staring at and what she’s thinking while staring at them.
(I bet her lips are soft.)
Her heart is definitely in her mouth now as she jerks herself away from Clarke to pull herself quickly up from the couch and brush off the feelings circulating their way through her chest, the ones making her heart pound painfully against her breast bone and her breathe come out unevenly. She doesn’t know what it means; she doesn’t know why she feels what she’s feeling. She just knows that it can’t happen, even if she can’t shut out the image of what it is like to be so close to Clarke and to be touched by her so lightly, so sweetly.
“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is confused; misinterpretation of why Lexa pulled away from her clearly circulating through her head to make her nervous again, which she had just begun to pull through from. Lexa had been succeeding, even if it almost seems like she had been taking Clarke’s nerves and pulling them into herself.
“I’m sorry, we can practice more later.” Lexa swallows her feelings the best she can, the lingering of Clarke’s touch still warm on her cheek. “My lunch break is over and I’m supposed to be in hair and make-up before we start shooting scene six.” Her palm is curled into her hand with her thumb pointing behind her at the door as if that somehow helps emphasize her point. She knows it doesn’t, she knows Clarke is misunderstanding her by the way her cerulean eyes soften gently into her own.
She can’t quite read the expression on Clarke’s face but she knows she’s done something wrong when she sputters out, “If I made you uncomfortable I’m sorry,” and her eyes shift into this uncertainty that the two hadn’t shared between each other before out of the week that they have known each other.
She swallows and shakes her head. “Oh no Clarke. No no,” Lexa just waves off the blonde’s words even though she wants to sit back down and reassure her. She’s still freaking out at the own pound of her heart beat, which was still moving abnormally, and her thoughts are still in places they shouldn’t be with the image of her lips still reflecting through her mind. “I just really have to be in hair and make-up.” She stares into blue eyes that look highly unconvinced and a little sad and she feels her heart leap into her mouth for entirely different reasons than Clarke Griffin’s proximity. “How about after filming today we go hang out at my place and go over it again the whole thing? We can order pizza, if you like pizza.” The sudden suggestion brings this lightness back to Clarke’s features that Lexa greatly adores and she can’t stop her own smile from surfacing across her lips as the blonde nods her head.
“Yeah, that sounds good.” She agrees with gentleness that keeps Lexa’s heart thudding hard in her chest against her ribcage. How does Clarke do this too her? It’s not like she’s trying to. Lexa really doesn’t know what to do with this, she hasn’t had this heart pounding feeling because of another girl since high school, and that thought just frightens her a little more.
Perhaps she just needs to know Clarke better; these feelings surely can’t get worse. They rarely ever do. “Alright, it’s a work date than.” Lexa teases yet again and feels herself relax at the soft blush that graces Clarke’s cheeks at her words.
There’s really just something about Clarke… there’s just something about her.
Clarke has no idea what the hell is wrong with her.
The more she gets to know Lexa the worse things seem to get. Well, worse isn’t quite what she means, but she certainly can’t explain the feelings she has. These feelings that make her shiver when Lexa clicks the “k” in her name against the roof of her mouth, these feelings that make her stutter nervously when Lexa smiles at her with twinkling green eyes that remind her of a forest, these feelings that make her heart thud aggressively and loudly in her chest whenever the brunette touches her in even the briefest of ways. Lexa doesn’t have to do much of anything besides breathe and Clarke finds herself utterly fascinated by it. She doesn’t understand quite why and she’s pretty sure it has to be edging on the creepy side of things by now.
No, she knows she must have entered creep zone because Lexa is only a person, a very pretty person, but a person and she is acting like… for some odd reason, that Lexa is a god. Perhaps when she had just been swooning over Lexa in television shows and movies it was different, but now that she actually knows her, and even considers her a friend, a very fast good friend, she feels like she’s just being completely weird about everything. Her and Lexa are getting close fast and the way that she seems to react to the smallest of Lexa’s interactions are surely not how close friends react to each other.
What the hell is wrong with her?
She’s never done this with any other famous person she’s worked with, and she has worked with plenty of famous people. She was in blockbuster films that she made a pretty decent living off of. She wasn’t the type to be an awkward star-struck idiot but here she was, a few weeks into filming, a few weeks into friendship with Lexa, and she still couldn’t stop herself from admiring the way the girl walked, or the small knit of her eyebrows when she thought. She couldn’t stop herself from following the movement of her hands or listening to her voice when she was discussing how they should act together between scenes with those “implications” Clarke knows she brings up too much.
She couldn’t stop her heart from pounding each time they rehearsed a scene together and Clarke had to brush her fingers across her cheek, or comb back the curls of her lovely brown hair that smelled like bunches of flowers. She didn’t know why she was acting like this, and it was even worse now as she sat on the couch of her best friend’s party and Lexa mingled with all of her friends, sipping some fruit related beer and giggling at everyone’s jokes in the charismatic way that she interacts with people.
It’s even worse because she can see how Lexa stands straighter and knows that she’s slightly uncomfortable in her surroundings. She can hear the tell-tell signs of her laugh she uses to please people as opposed to the laugh Clarke is so good at pulling out of her. She can see the small fidget of her fingers as she tangles them together that lets her know she’s itchy to escape the circle of people surrounding her, that are as fascinated by her as Clarke is. She’s known Lexa for only a few weeks but she already knows these small details about her and she can’t stop herself from understanding them and that’s crazy. It’s crazy.
What is wrong with her?
“If you stare any harder you might burn a hole through her.” Clarke jumps about ten feet in the air but eventually lets her gaze set into a glare on her friend Octavia as she flops into the seat beside her and grins as widely as she possibly can. Octavia loved to tease Clarke about Lexa, long before Clarke had ever even met the pretty brunette girl. Things have only gotten worse since she landed this role. It’ll get even worse with every time she gets caught staring at Lexa because she just can’t tear her gaze away.
“I think I have a problem.” Clarke admits quietly, letting her eyes find Lexa once again. Her pretty green gaze turns from her friends to meet her own and Clarke can feel her heart leap into her mouth when she sets that twinkling smile on her in acknowledgment of her presence and stare. The smile makes her skin flush, and her lips part just so she can take in a breath because she is…
She is so beautiful.
“I’d say. You’ve been staring at her like she’s going to disappear all night.” Octavia laughs with light hearted amusement at Clarke’s situation but of course she does. She’s not actually in Clarke’s head. She doesn’t understand how confused Clarke feels about this situation and she knows she could probably just explain it and her friend wouldn’t laugh anymore, her friend would help her, but explaining it makes her feelings real and she doesn’t even really know what her feelings are yet.
But she decides giving her friend a little bit of information isn’t the worst idea, and it’s really annoying her, so it comes out as more of a groan when she says, “I can’t help it, that’s the problem!” and she throws her hands up into the air as she sinks further into the couch cushions. “I never do this when it comes to celebrities, I never geek out this much.” She pouts while she crosses her arms across her chest.
“It’s kind of like that crush you had on Niylah in college; actually it’s exactly like that.” Octavia laughs loudly as Clarke directs another glare her way. She’s clearly being unhelpful but she has had a few heavier drinks and Clarke isn’t exactly giving her enough information to tell her that this situation is more serious than it is. Well, it’s not serious, just confusing.
“You are so very helpful.” She responds sarcastically, shuffling her fingers through blonde hair to brush it more out of her face. Her gaze finds Lexa again, but she quickly tries to detach her gawking look, letting it fall on the bouncing of her knee instead. That last two seconds before she’s looking up to meet green eyes briefly and again, she can feel her breathe catch.
“Didn’t you make out with her and then you got over the crush?” Octavia theorizes further continuing to be unhelpful. Why is Clarke even friends with her again? She only glares up at her from her pouting place against the couch, breaking her gaze from green eyes first, the small flush at being stared at as well flowing across the skin on her neck.
It just makes her friend laugh more. “Well there you go than, make out with Lexa and all your problems will be solved.” Her unsupportive friend pats her head playfully and Clarke can’t stop her glower from practically stapling its place on her face as her heart flutters in her chest at just the thought of Lexa’s lips on her own. Every time Lexa’s face is close to hers that’s all she can think about, but she’s not about to admit that out loud.
What’s wrong with her would be very obvious than if she accepted that she actually wanted to know what it was like to kiss Lexa Woods. And that doesn’t exactly mean that there is something wrong with her, but it is something that she doesn’t have the time to worry about right now. She needs to focus on herself, on her career, on proving herself to her family once and for all and she can’t do that if she’s wrapping herself up in a girl crush.
“That is still extremely unhelpful.” Clarke informs her dark haired friend as she cackles brightly in her seat next to her, with her head tossed back as if Clarke is just the funniest person in the world. It makes her stomach twist in her gut because Octavia doesn’t get it, and she can’t explain it and she doesn’t even know how to explain it because she doesn’t get it herself, not completely anyways. Maybe part of her just doesn’t want to get it.
“Relax Clarke. You’ve got a crush. It happens. Lexa’s hot as fuck it makes sense. You’ll get over it, you always do.” Clarke relents with a sigh and nods her head as Octavia wraps her arm around her shoulder and pulls her into her side as if to comfort her.
“What does that mean?” Clarke asks in a tone that sounds and awful lot like defeat as she collapses her head against her friend’s shoulder and lets her eyes find home on Lexa once again. She might as well just accept that she can’t stop herself from staring, and it’s not like Lexa is bad to stare at, so she might as well just give in.
“It means you have crushes for like ten seconds and then you move on. I know you Clarke, don’t freak out. Lexa is probably the most famous girl you’ve ever worked with and you’ve had her on the top of your “girls I would kiss” list for three years. It’s not that weird.” Octavia insists. She tries to pull Clarke closer with the arm already around her shoulder. “Relax Griffin, have some fun, it’s a party!” Octavia whistles happily before she breaks apart from Clarke and hops up from the couch, sprinting her way back toward where the alcohol was set up.
“Right,” Clarke feels a huff leave her throat before she can stop it. “A party,” she mumbles as she lets her eyes wander back to the pretty brunette girl who’s trying to avoid being poked by a pool stick by her friend Lincoln.
Her heart jumps when she smiles and she is again stuck wondering what her problem is.
It is thanksgiving and they have to work through it. It’s not the first time Clarke has had to work through a holiday, and she’s never been really a big fan of thanksgiving, so it doesn’t bother her much, but she does overhear Lexa’s cellphone call with her best friend Anya, her only other friend beside Costia and now Clarke. She’s sad that she has to work through thanksgiving and she can’t spend it with her. She’s unhappy about it so that’s the ultimate reason Clarke finds herself knocking on her trailer door with some fried chicken along with small containers of mac ‘n cheese and mashed potatoes.
She is nervous, but being nervous around Lexa is something she’s growing used too.
Lexa is all twinkling eyes and bright smiles when she opens to trailer door to Clarke and it sets her heart on that pace that’s excessive and fast in her chest. She doesn’t understand it, but she can’t control it, so she’s coming to terms with just accepting it. She holds up the shopping bag, and mutters. “Thanksgiving dinner?” She offers up the bag to the brunette and Lexa’s eyes are so soft when they grab it and look into it before looking at her again.
“Clarke you didn’t have to do this.” Lexa says softly, her voice so gentle and light. Clarke’s heart is in her mouth as she offers Lexa her gentlest smile she can possibly muster.
“I wanted to cheer you up.” She mumbles shyly, ducking her head slightly as she feels the blush surfacing across her cheeks, the warmth of the blush rather familiar since she always seems to be flushing red whenever she’s around the pretty brunette. She knows it can’t be helped, she wished it could, but it can’t.
“Clarke,” And there it is again, the click of the “k” against the roof of the brunette’s mouth. She does it so often and each time Clarke feels a familiar tingle rush up her spine and she has to fight hard not to show it, she know she never succeeds though. Clarke’s heart continues its uneven pounding as she locks blue eyes with beautiful greens and she just waits for her to invite her in, to finish her sentence, to maybe acknowledge that Clarke is utterly fascinated by her because she must be so very obvious about it by now.
But Lexa just seems lost in her thoughts, with soft pretty green eyes and Clarke can’t take much more of being looked at like that without doing something… stupid. “Can I come in?” She asks sweetly, her perfect Griffin smile attaching itself to her lips because she knows it at least make Lexa stutter for a second and it’s nice to not be the only one distracted.
“Of course you can,” Lexa croaks after a moment, moving out of the way for Clarke and setting the bag on the counter top in her trailer. Clarke pulls the door closed behind her and grins widely at Lexa when the brunette begins to heave the contents of the bag out and onto the countertop, even reaching up into a cupboard and pulling out a few plates she must have put there herself. Clarke likes watching her; she has an easiness about her when it’s just them that the blonde has come to realize she doesn’t see very often when they are with other people. She doesn’t want to think that Lexa is comfortable with her, but she can’t help the way her heart swells at the possibility.
Clarke is yet again distracted by her hands in the moments it takes her to transfer the contents of the boxes of chicken and containers of mac ‘n cheese and mashed potatoes onto plates and she can’t help but let the silence continue as she watches their movements while Lexa finishes making up the plates and grabbing bottles of water from the fridge.
She has pretty hands. One of Clarke’s favorite things to look at is her hands. She doesn’t know what it is about them that’s so stunning but they are, and the blonde hopes that brunette doesn’t notice how often her eyes stray toward her hands, even if Clarke doesn’t do a good job at hiding it.
“Anya’s actually coming in a few hours with some stuff too. There will be pie, you like pie?” Lexa asks gently, with a beautiful grin stretching along attractive plump lips. Clarke forces her eyes not to stray on them, thinking too hard about the action and she wonders if the strain is visible on her face.
Lexa reaches one plate out to Clarke who takes it delicately until Lexa is motioning for her to follow her to the bed in the corner of the trailer. She followed the short distance to the bed and took a gentle seat next to the brunette girl who went for the mac ‘n cheese first. For some reason, sitting on Lexa’s bed and eating food with her feels… weird. Weird in a way that Clarke doesn’t think she can put into words. It’s oddly domestic, but in a way that sets her heart in an uneven rhythm much different from the one she gets when Lexa briefly touches her.
She is nervous yet again. “How long have you known Anya?” The blonde tries for conversation to distract herself from the uneven pace of her heart beat. It doesn’t really distract her, but when she sees the slight grin grace plump lips, she doesn’t regret the question.
“We were five when we met; she pushed me down on the playground because I wasn’t letting anyone else on the swing set while my brother was on it.” Lexa laughs as she remembers and Clarke watches the act like Lexa is her own television show that she just can’t look away from. Her heart stutter in her chest at the sound, and she blushes at her thoughts but Lexa isn’t watching her so she isn’t too worried about being caught.
Clarke’s interest is suddenly piqued at the sudden prospect of Lexa having a brother, which something previously unmentioned by the brunette girl before. “I didn’t know you had a brother.” Lexa looks up from her plate to let her eyes twinkle into Clarke’s own, and as it always does, her thought pattern falters and she is lost in a forest of green for a few seconds.
“Had a brother, he died when I was twelve.” The smile drops a little, the twinkle leaving her eyes and Clarke feels like a bucket of water had just been dumped over her head, rendering her thought process and making her feel guilt for even bringing it up.
“Oh,” Clarke swallows. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” She doesn’t want to hurt Lexa or make her uncomfortable and now she feels like she has without even trying too.
But the brunette just waves her off. “Clarke its okay, you didn’t know, I don’t mind talking about him.” She shrugs and her eyes were suddenly back on her mac ‘n cheese as she dug into it with her fork. Clarke had also noticed that when Lexa eats, she goes with one food group at a time. It’s different, a little weird, but Clarke just finds it adorable, as she does with most anything Lexa does.
She wants to ask more questions, but she doesn’t. Maybe later, maybe at another time, but for now, she decides she’ll just let the subject go unless Lexa wants to talk about it. Instead she says, as if she deserves to also disclose something so personal, “I lost my Dad a few years ago.” And she finds that she doesn’t mind confiding that information to Lexa. She turns from Lexa to peal apart a piece of the chicken and dip it into the mash potatoes beside it. She notices that Lexa had organized the plates so none of the food groups were touching each other and that was surely a curious thing but the blonde didn’t question it as she brought the chicken and mash potato mix to her mouth.
“Clarke,” The blonde looks up from her plate to meet forest green eyes and they look serious, like Lexa has something serious to say. That knit to her eyebrows when she’s thinking, and Clarke’s eyes follow it for a second just to look before she’s meeting her eyes again. She’s suddenly more nervous than she had been beforehand but she lets her attention be undivided when Lexa has it. And then Lexa says. “How dare you mix your food,” and she grins widely at her and Clarke can’t help the snort that she makes as she covers her mouth to stop the food from splattering out of her mouth.
They finish their dinner, giggling and laughing about stupid things while finding the time to share more small and serious things such as their first heart breaks, or any of their physical scars. Clarke opened up about the boy she dated in ninth grade who cheated on her with her mortal enemy, but now she was also best friends with what used to be her mortal enemy so it wasn’t a huge loss. Lexa found plenty of amusement out of that.
Clarke found Lexa’s high school crush story interesting because she never said a name. Just a simple, “I kind of had a crush on one of my friends, and I know she sort of liked me too but we were in such different social groups at the time and you know how high school is. So we never got it right I guess.” And she seemed to smile sadly at that and Clarke can’t help but wonder what idiot wouldn’t take the chance when they have it to be with Lexa.
Lexa who always smiles so brightly and puts so much care into everything she does. She can only imagine what Lexa is like as a girlfriend. She’s probably selfless and affectionate, as she is sort of affectionate as a friend. But affectionate in the way that shows you, you are cared about, not in the overwhelming way, which Clarke has come to learn that most people don’t understand. She doesn’t know how long she thinks about Lexa as a girlfriend, but she knows she has to stop thinking about it when her thoughts lead into the dangerous zone of Lexa being her girlfriend, just to get a better picture, she tries to tell herself, but it’s obvious her crush is entering into levels that she isn’t ready to take on quite yet.
It was easy to get lost in the sound of Lexa’s voice, even easier to know her better with each passing moment. And the way that Lexa seemed to watch her when she spoke was something else entirely. It wasn’t helping her heart situation, which she was starting to think was a condition at this point. She watched Lexa clean her plates because she couldn’t just leave that for later, she had to do it right when they were done and she set them neatly back up in the cupboard.
Clarke wondered how she could have such a messy made up bed, but insist on having such clean countertops. It was interesting but Clarke didn’t mind at all. Everybody had their thing she supposes, and any of Lexa’s things were important to Clarke if they were a part of her. She isn’t going to think about what that means, since she’s already confused enough by her fast pounding heart beat and urges to touch.
Eventually Lexa has the idea that they should braid each other’s hair, and though the idea is sort of silly to Clarke she relents, but “only if I can do yours first,” she says and the brunette just laughs that lovely laugh with that bright twinkle in her eye and Clarke really, really likes Lexa, just the way she is, with everything that she does. She can’t explain it, but being with her, and being the cause of any twinkly eyed laughs Lexa may seem to do is just… amazing.
Brushing her fingertips through the brunette girl’s hair is even better, and she hums a soft tune as she works, ignoring the energy that build between them that she doesn’t understand with each brush of her fingers through brown pretty locks.
Lexa’s fingertips brush through Clarke’s hair and the blonde girl hums at her touch, eyes closed as she leans back slightly into the feeling. Lexa can only admire, feeling the tension between them building with each noise from Clarke’s throat and each brush of her fingers. She doesn’t realize she’s holding her breathe until her lungs start to burn and she has to let out a heavy gust of air against the back of Clarke’s neck. She pretends the shiver she feels run through the girl at the contact isn’t because of her, because how could it be?
The brunette girl pulls closer, her lips nearly brushing against the skin on the blonde’s ear lobe and she has to think about unpleasant things just to keep herself from shivering at being so very close to her. “You like this,” she muses quietly, almost breathlessly, into a tiny ear. She can’t stop her grin as she hears Clarke’s breath catch in her throat slightly as she pulls back and tips to the right just a little to look at her the best she can from behind her.
“Feels nice,” Clarke mumbles, not loud. Her voice comes out breathy as Lexa pulls back to continue to braid her hair and to maybe keep herself from shivering to the sound of Clarke’s voice so… low and… heavy. She can feel the way it washes over her and flips her stomach in a way that she can’t explain, or at least hasn’t experienced since her high school crush.
“You have pretty hair.” Lexa mumbles as a way of distracting herself from the feelings rising in her chest. Her fast heart beat can probably be seen if you look down at her chest, and she hopes Clarke won’t turn around. The compliment is quiet, said under her breath, realizing how impossibly hard it is to hold back from complimenting Clarke on every single thing about her. Clarke is usually the one complimenting her in this friendship, but Lexa lately, has been unable to help herself.
Clarke was… Clarke.
“You have pretty hands.” Lexa can’t help the snort that leaves her throat at that because she knows Clarke has a fascination with her hands, a fascination that’s completely not understandable, and she can pretty much hear Clarke’s smile grow from in front of her.
“Pretty hands?” She finds herself asking, sucking in a deep breath as Clarke hums in front of her.
“Yep,” Clarke turns slightly so Lexa has to stop her movements for a moment so the blonde can meet her eyes. The blues are wider than normal, the dilation Lexa blames on the low light of the trailer. Their proximities are close, so, so close, and Lexa knows when she swallows that it’s clearly visible and Lexa can feel her heart back in her throat the same way it always is every single time they’re practicing a scene together or actually shooting one.
In fact, her heart seems to go on a literal freak out every single time Clarke is this close to her and she has no idea how she’s going to get it to stop. Usually when this happens she can just think, “straight girl” and the feeling goes away. It’s normally easy. But this time when she thinks “straight girl” her mind conjures up the possibility that Clarke’s eyes are slipping to her lips and that perhaps she’s not a “straight girl” but that’s ridiculous because she is and Lexa has never allowed herself to try and be hopeful before when it comes to straight girls.
Lexa’s never really had a straight girl crush previously actually and she’s not really happy about experiencing one. Especially one on someone so beautiful and so sweet, someone she’s actually comfortable with. If Clarke finds out she can’t get her heart to stop thudding in her chest every time she briefly enters her personal space, it would surely freak the blonde out, or creep her out because Lexa is gay, very gay and Clarke is apparently not. No, not apparently, she’s not… she’s not. Lexa tries to convince herself, but Clarke is still looking at her lips.
The tension around them is palpable in an unexplainable way. “Everything about you is pretty actually.” Clarke mumbles quietly, her breath puffing against Lexa’s lips and the brunette really hopes, no matter how close they are or how unrealistic that hope is, that Clarke doesn’t see the way her eyes drop to her mouth.
The space between them feels like it should be closed, Lexa would love to close it, but she knows that’s not a good idea. Outside of the fact that Clarke is straight, they are also co-stars. The conflict of interest is enough alone to turn Lexa off of the idea on average…
But it still doesn’t with Clarke.
They spend a good moment just stuck in their energy circulating, the rotation of each of their eyes on lips and then on eyes again, and then Lexa thinks maybe Clarke is actually leaning forward and she’s not just imagining it. But then there’s a loud knock on Lexa’s trailer door and it makes the both of them jump apart as if they had been doing something completely inappropriate. Of course they really hadn’t but it doesn’t change the fact that Lexa’s thoughts had.
“Come in,” Lexa shouts as she backs herself away from Clarke while the pretty girl beside her combs out the beginning of the braids that Lexa had started in her hair. It makes the brunette want to close the space between them yet again and finish her braids, but she knows it’s probably better that they put some distance between them. It doesn’t change the small twitch she gets that she can’t just finish them.
“Commander,” Anya sings teasingly as she pulls the trailer door open and hops her way up into the space. “I brought your favorite pie and- oooh hello pretty blonde girl.” Anya’s smile is bright and teasing. Her hair is a mix between blonde and brown today, and is in one long braid to the side of her head, a hairstyle she doesn’t often use. Her eyes twinkle brightly at Clarke and Lexa knows she’s in trouble because Anya is going to embarrass her… Anya is going to embarrass her greatly.
“Anya,” Lexa scolds lightly a small glaring pout crossing her features before she can help it. She’s got that warning tone in her voice that usually works on anyone else but she knows it won’t work on Anya, it never works on Anya. “That’s what Lexa calls you whenever we watch one of your movies.” The tall girl winks at the brunette whose face flames with her words. She feels the flush travel through her from her chest all the way into her cheeks and she can’t stop it, she can’t hide it. She’s afraid that information is going to make Clarke uncomfortable, but when she dares a look beside her at her favorite pretty blonde girl she is only grinning happily from ear to ear.
It makes her relax just a little bit, but only a little bit. “Shut up.” Lexa snaps unpleasantly, she avoids the blue eyes that she can suddenly feel on the side of her face as she glares Anya down, but the averagely taller girl is actively avoiding her stare, completely unaffected by it.
“I’m Anya, the best friend, but I bet little Lexie doesn’t talk about me.” Anya teases further. She holds her hand out to Clarke who shakes it delicately because she always does things so delicately and Lexa is obnoxiously admiring of every action, how could she not be? Clarke is so pretty and so sweet with everything she does. She doesn’t even realize that she takes Lexa’s breath away without even trying.
“Actually yeah, no I’ve been wondering when I’d meet you.” Clarke says brightly, a giant smile on her lips that Lexa finds completely stunning, she isn’t able to tear her eyes from it for a good thirty seconds until Clarke looks at her, catching her and she’s suddenly looking down at her intertwining hands in her lap. She tries not to blush, but she knows she doesn’t succeed.
“SO you have talked about me, you must like this one a lot.” Anya boasts brightly, further making Lexa’s heart slightly ache in her chest with panic.
“Anya!” Lexa is thoroughly embarrassed, looking at her best friend as if she’s ready to knock her down in much the same fashion she had done to her when they were five years old. She is absolutely positive she is disowning her after this.
“I hope so,” Clarke says brightly. “What kind of pie did you bring?” Her hand drops on Lexa’s thigh and she squeezes and Lexa is sure her heart explodes in that moment because she can’t breathe, she can’t breathe as the feeling slides through her body, and her skin burns where her palm was placed. She knows for at least a brief ten seconds, she looks like a gaping fish out of water, but luckily Clarke’s sweet tooth (which Lexa learned she had on the second day of knowing her) is keeping her from noticing, and when her palm slides away and Lexa sucks in a deep breathe, she either pretends not to hear the slight wheeze or really is far too focus on the pie in Anya’s hands as she stands from the bed.
“Key Lime, its Lexa’s favorite,” Anya lets herself get distracted as she looks down at the pie herself, before glancing up to offer Clarke a bright and friendly grin. The sight of the two getting along and discussing pie does something within Lexa’s belly that she couldn’t explain if she tried.
“I know,” Clarke says with a small shrug, and to most, what Lexa’s favorite pie is wouldn’t be significant. The knowledge of knowing what it is wouldn’t be significant. But when Anya looks up at Clarke curiously, and offers Lexa a brief raise of her eyebrow, she knows how Anya knows it significant, because Lexa doesn’t talk about herself. Lexa doesn’t confide in people what she likes very often, and here Clarke was, knowing Lexa for a month and a few weeks, and she already knows most of Lexa’s favorite things.
“You know,” Anya tone is still teasing as she wiggles her eyebrows at Lexa, probably just to embarrass the brunette further, and it does. The blush on her skin she is starting to believe is permanent.
Lexa was sure her glare could probably cut through a thousand men. “Shut the hell up would you.” She snaps unpleasantly at her best friend, only to be silenced by Clarke’s teasing look now set on her.
“Is that anyway to talk to your best friend, after I brought you pie.” Anya feigns innocence and Lexa is about to protest, snap at her to get out and leave the pie.
But then Clarke says, “Ah, not just any pie,” seeming to join Anya’s side, grinning over at her carefree and wide. “Your favorite.” And Lexa feels betrayed, gasping at the both of them as they giggle at her expense.
Anya is taken aback, though it seems to be in the good way if the smile on her face says anything. “Oh, I like you.” Anya says brightly as Clarke grins her big wide sunshine like Griffin grin at Anya that Lexa has come to adore so very much.
Anya and Clarke seem to get along but of course they do because Clarke is warm and bright and it’s easy to like her, and as Anya messily cuts into the pie, which irritates Lexa further, she can’t help but watch the way Clarke laughs at the older girl’s jokes and smiles whenever she is complimented.
And Lexa thinks; yeah, I like her too.