Sebastian Braff is creating Open Letters
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Open Letters is the blog where I make suggestions, provide commentary, and demand answers from faceless corporations, ephemeral ideas, and anyone else who won't respond to illegible scrawl on coffee-stained college ruled.

A wide gambit of topics are treated, but science, technology, religion, and politics seem to come up a lot. The tone of the posts also ranges widely from month to month. A thoughtful and (almost) educational critique could be followed up three weeks later by an irreverent satire bordering on the profane. If Maher, Maddox, and Lindybeige had a threesome... and that threesome proved fertile and produced offspring... the love child might look something like this. But why should I approximate? Here's exactly what I mean-



"It's December 22nd, and I am still alive. That can mean only one thing. The blast doors of the abandoned missile silo which I have converted into my Armageddon bunker were sufficiently reinforced to resist the super volcano, nuclear holocaust, collision with the planet Nibiru, reversal of the magnetic poles, extraterrestrial invasion, solar flare maximum, gravitational alignment of the planets, and zombie hordes which are wrecking havoc on the surface." - Dear Fellow Mayan Doomsday Preppers



"I know what some of you are probably thinking. 'But, Sebastian; how does it work... the intimate times? Isn't Science less of a gay lover and more of a... genderless method of acquiring knowledge about the material universe?' Oh, trust me, it works. I don't want to delve too deeply into the lurid, sexy details, but let's just say that sometimes I bob on his beaker while he induces morphological elongation to my stem cell with his paracrine signaling." - Dear Science Likers



"How is it that I've been able to build a 1:1 replica of the Eiffel Tower in my backyard constructed of solid gold with platinum rivets? How did I come about the means necessary to smoke thirteen metric tons of premium, pharmaceutical-grade dank every day? From whence do I have the financial resources required to monetarily incentivize Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus to enter a cage and fight to the death? The answer is journalism. That may surprise you." - Dear Hip Hop



"If that's what the people want then that's what they'll get. And I'll give it to you like you've never seen before. I think I've got the formula for this fetish figured out, and I'm going to ram a big trashy load straight through your optic nerve and out the back of your mushy, Walmart-loving skulls. It's going to be like People of Walmart and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition fucked each other's brains out, drilled through your eyelids and then gave birth to their malformed lovechild, deposited directly onto your retinas." - Dear Walmart-Hottie Aficionados



"Encapsulate the haystack in photoacoustic gelatin. Then fire near-infrared laser pulses into the gelatinous mass. The needle will vibrate at a much higher frequency than the surrounding hay and this information can then be displayed as a visual image. Follow up with a PAI-guided biopsy to recover the needle from the gelatin-encapsulated haystack." - Dear Needles Hiding in Haystacks



"I reached the door and stepped outside. A cool autumn breeze caressed my face as I pulled the door shut behind me with the whispery thud of stainless steel hitting weather stripping. It was cigarette weather, and I pulled one out of my crumpled, near-empty pack. I could still hear angry, muffled voices from inside as I descended the concrete steps. I hung a left onto the sidewalk and disappeared into the night." - Dear Unsolicited Self-Assessments



If those passages appealed to you, if you occasionally need a break from strategically-worded, politically-correct, self-serving drivel, or if you are looking to augment your online reading with screed, satire, and creative irreverence, you've arrived at the right place.

The blog started in 2010. I try to create a post every month on average, but there's some fluctuation. Plus or minus 7, it seems. The most letters I've ever posted in a year was 19, the least was 5.

Thank you for your support.

Sincerely,
Sebastian Braff
Tiers
Pledge $1 or more per letter
0 patrons
Access to my full Patreon profile where I release sneak peaks, first post the link to the next open letter, answer reader questions, and occasionally get drunk and upload naked pictures of myself or others. (Mostly others)
Pledge $5 or more per letter
0 patrons
After one year at this pledge level you will receive an Open Letters t-shirt. I will submit three possible designs for each year's soft-knit T, and you will be among the readers who vote on and select which of these designs is printed and shipped. Benefits from $1 level also included.
Pledge $10 or more per letter
0 patrons
Digital collection of poetry that I have been painstakingly writing, editing, and curating over the last ten years. Benefits from $1 and $5 levels also included.
Pledge $20 or more per letter
0 patrons
Digital manuscript of the only novel I have ever written. The whole story takes place over the course of a single evening and it's about a group of friends who eat dinner together at a restaurant. Tensions rise. Some shit goes down and people die. Benefits from levels $1-10 included.
Pledge $100 or more per letter
0 of 10 patrons
I will write up to four letters per year on your behalf to whomever you want. Maybe you just quit your job and need help finding the perfect words to explain to your old boss how much working there sucked and why. Maybe a sexy individual of the male or female persuasion caught your eye but you don't know how to tell the lucky lad/lady just how you feel. Maybe you're applying for a position and you want your cover letter to pop with passion. Benefits from levels $1-20 included.
Pledge $1,000 or more per letter
0 of 1 patrons
After one year at this support level, you will receive a two-week tour of Germany, flight and accommodations included. I will act as your personal translator and tour guide. Itinerary to be determined, but Bavaria, Hamburg, Cologne, and Berlin are highly recommended. Benefits from levels $1-100 included.
Goals
$0 of $1,000 per letter
This would augment my day job, allowing me to cut hours so that I could spend more time on research, editing, and expanding the audience. I could post more often as well.
1 of 3
Open Letters is the blog where I make suggestions, provide commentary, and demand answers from faceless corporations, ephemeral ideas, and anyone else who won't respond to illegible scrawl on coffee-stained college ruled.

A wide gambit of topics are treated, but science, technology, religion, and politics seem to come up a lot. The tone of the posts also ranges widely from month to month. A thoughtful and (almost) educational critique could be followed up three weeks later by an irreverent satire bordering on the profane. If Maher, Maddox, and Lindybeige had a threesome... and that threesome proved fertile and produced offspring... the love child might look something like this. But why should I approximate? Here's exactly what I mean-



"It's December 22nd, and I am still alive. That can mean only one thing. The blast doors of the abandoned missile silo which I have converted into my Armageddon bunker were sufficiently reinforced to resist the super volcano, nuclear holocaust, collision with the planet Nibiru, reversal of the magnetic poles, extraterrestrial invasion, solar flare maximum, gravitational alignment of the planets, and zombie hordes which are wrecking havoc on the surface." - Dear Fellow Mayan Doomsday Preppers



"I know what some of you are probably thinking. 'But, Sebastian; how does it work... the intimate times? Isn't Science less of a gay lover and more of a... genderless method of acquiring knowledge about the material universe?' Oh, trust me, it works. I don't want to delve too deeply into the lurid, sexy details, but let's just say that sometimes I bob on his beaker while he induces morphological elongation to my stem cell with his paracrine signaling." - Dear Science Likers



"How is it that I've been able to build a 1:1 replica of the Eiffel Tower in my backyard constructed of solid gold with platinum rivets? How did I come about the means necessary to smoke thirteen metric tons of premium, pharmaceutical-grade dank every day? From whence do I have the financial resources required to monetarily incentivize Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus to enter a cage and fight to the death? The answer is journalism. That may surprise you." - Dear Hip Hop



"If that's what the people want then that's what they'll get. And I'll give it to you like you've never seen before. I think I've got the formula for this fetish figured out, and I'm going to ram a big trashy load straight through your optic nerve and out the back of your mushy, Walmart-loving skulls. It's going to be like People of Walmart and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition fucked each other's brains out, drilled through your eyelids and then gave birth to their malformed lovechild, deposited directly onto your retinas." - Dear Walmart-Hottie Aficionados



"Encapsulate the haystack in photoacoustic gelatin. Then fire near-infrared laser pulses into the gelatinous mass. The needle will vibrate at a much higher frequency than the surrounding hay and this information can then be displayed as a visual image. Follow up with a PAI-guided biopsy to recover the needle from the gelatin-encapsulated haystack." - Dear Needles Hiding in Haystacks



"I reached the door and stepped outside. A cool autumn breeze caressed my face as I pulled the door shut behind me with the whispery thud of stainless steel hitting weather stripping. It was cigarette weather, and I pulled one out of my crumpled, near-empty pack. I could still hear angry, muffled voices from inside as I descended the concrete steps. I hung a left onto the sidewalk and disappeared into the night." - Dear Unsolicited Self-Assessments



If those passages appealed to you, if you occasionally need a break from strategically-worded, politically-correct, self-serving drivel, or if you are looking to augment your online reading with screed, satire, and creative irreverence, you've arrived at the right place.

The blog started in 2010. I try to create a post every month on average, but there's some fluctuation. Plus or minus 7, it seems. The most letters I've ever posted in a year was 19, the least was 5.

Thank you for your support.

Sincerely,
Sebastian Braff

Recent posts by Sebastian Braff

Tiers
Pledge $1 or more per letter
0 patrons
Access to my full Patreon profile where I release sneak peaks, first post the link to the next open letter, answer reader questions, and occasionally get drunk and upload naked pictures of myself or others. (Mostly others)
Pledge $5 or more per letter
0 patrons
After one year at this pledge level you will receive an Open Letters t-shirt. I will submit three possible designs for each year's soft-knit T, and you will be among the readers who vote on and select which of these designs is printed and shipped. Benefits from $1 level also included.
Pledge $10 or more per letter
0 patrons
Digital collection of poetry that I have been painstakingly writing, editing, and curating over the last ten years. Benefits from $1 and $5 levels also included.
Pledge $20 or more per letter
0 patrons
Digital manuscript of the only novel I have ever written. The whole story takes place over the course of a single evening and it's about a group of friends who eat dinner together at a restaurant. Tensions rise. Some shit goes down and people die. Benefits from levels $1-10 included.
Pledge $100 or more per letter
0 of 10 patrons
I will write up to four letters per year on your behalf to whomever you want. Maybe you just quit your job and need help finding the perfect words to explain to your old boss how much working there sucked and why. Maybe a sexy individual of the male or female persuasion caught your eye but you don't know how to tell the lucky lad/lady just how you feel. Maybe you're applying for a position and you want your cover letter to pop with passion. Benefits from levels $1-20 included.
Pledge $1,000 or more per letter
0 of 1 patrons
After one year at this support level, you will receive a two-week tour of Germany, flight and accommodations included. I will act as your personal translator and tour guide. Itinerary to be determined, but Bavaria, Hamburg, Cologne, and Berlin are highly recommended. Benefits from levels $1-100 included.