The Damn Woods are creating the best podcast on planet Earth and Alpha Draconis
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patrons

Hello to all our sexy genius listeners! Some of you have been asking us where they can find our Patreon page. Well, surprise, here it is!

We're pretty new to "monetization" as a concept (or I am, Jake has been monetizing literally everything in his life for years now. -O), so we're kind of playing this whole thing by ear. With your support, we're hoping to be able to afford some additional recording equipment so we can bring on guests, do interviews, and generally improve the quality of our already award-winning* media, tech and games, conspiracy and occasional "politically woke" podcasts.

Just the fact that so many of you download and listen to us every week is staggering, and even if you don't have the cash money to support us right now, your interest and enthusiasm keeps us going. Thanks for visiting us out here in our survival shack!

*not actually award-winning.
Tiers
Treemason Inner Circle
$5 or more per month
Join the planet's #1 xeno-worship doomsday cult today!
  • Access to an exclusive, backers-only Secret Podcast every week.
  • Crew shoutouts on the regular weekly podcast. 
  • High-quality downloads for those who want to hear our voices extra good.
Puppets of the Illuminati
$10 or more per month
Get a custom shoutout on our backer podcast! Hear us say whatever!
  • Limit 1 per month.
  • Contents within reason: no trying to make us read Dostoevsky, and nothing political you lunatics.
  •  Includes all previous tiers. 
Landline Bling
$15 or more per month
Jake or Oz (or Jake and Oz) will record your outgoing voicemail greeting, and send it to you as a .wav or .mp3 file so you can impress people who still make actual phone calls in 20-fucking-17.
  • Limit 1 per 2 months.
  • Includes all previous tiers. 
Business Time
$25 or more per month
We'll send you a custom "Fuck Jams" playlist for you to bump when your spouse / Tinder hookup / side piece wants to get down. Playlists are at least 1:30:00 in length and guaranteed sexy. 
  • Limit 2 playlists per year.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
"I'm Literally Mulder and/or Scully."
$50 or more per month
At this tier, we'll research and record an episode of The Damn Woods Confidential on the conspiracy topic of your choosing.
  • Even if it's not a real conspiracy.
  • Limit 1 episode per year.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
The "Tony Sinclair Memorial Tier"
$100 or more per month
RIP, Tony. At this tier, we will buy a fifth of liquor (your choice, within reason) and record a backers-only podcast whilst shitty drunk.
  • Weed is legal here so that's an option.
  • Maximum 1 intoxicated ep per month.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
Benefactor of the Damn Woods Fund for Orphans
$200 or more per month
Same as the "Tony Sinclair Memorial Tier" except you get to choose the drunk podcast topic.
 
  • Within reason you monsters, use our current content as a guideline here.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
$500 or more per month
If you're this loaded, okay, fine, we'll record ourselves reading some Dostoevsky.
  • Only one chapter though.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
Real Shadow Master Hours
$2,500 or more per month
If you are this rich and this interested, we will arrange to fly your Saudi prince ass up to participate in a recording session.
  • Must be in the US and flexible for scheduling, tickets to Alaska aren't cheap.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
Goals
53% complete
If we reach this level, we will produce an EP. Of us. Rapping. It will be every bit as terrible and ridiculous as you expect.
4 of 6
Hello to all our sexy genius listeners! Some of you have been asking us where they can find our Patreon page. Well, surprise, here it is!

We're pretty new to "monetization" as a concept (or I am, Jake has been monetizing literally everything in his life for years now. -O), so we're kind of playing this whole thing by ear. With your support, we're hoping to be able to afford some additional recording equipment so we can bring on guests, do interviews, and generally improve the quality of our already award-winning* media, tech and games, conspiracy and occasional "politically woke" podcasts.

Just the fact that so many of you download and listen to us every week is staggering, and even if you don't have the cash money to support us right now, your interest and enthusiasm keeps us going. Thanks for visiting us out here in our survival shack!

*not actually award-winning.

Recent posts by The Damn Woods

Tiers
Treemason Inner Circle
$5 or more per month
Join the planet's #1 xeno-worship doomsday cult today!
  • Access to an exclusive, backers-only Secret Podcast every week.
  • Crew shoutouts on the regular weekly podcast. 
  • High-quality downloads for those who want to hear our voices extra good.
Puppets of the Illuminati
$10 or more per month
Get a custom shoutout on our backer podcast! Hear us say whatever!
  • Limit 1 per month.
  • Contents within reason: no trying to make us read Dostoevsky, and nothing political you lunatics.
  •  Includes all previous tiers. 
Landline Bling
$15 or more per month
Jake or Oz (or Jake and Oz) will record your outgoing voicemail greeting, and send it to you as a .wav or .mp3 file so you can impress people who still make actual phone calls in 20-fucking-17.
  • Limit 1 per 2 months.
  • Includes all previous tiers. 
Business Time
$25 or more per month
We'll send you a custom "Fuck Jams" playlist for you to bump when your spouse / Tinder hookup / side piece wants to get down. Playlists are at least 1:30:00 in length and guaranteed sexy. 
  • Limit 2 playlists per year.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
"I'm Literally Mulder and/or Scully."
$50 or more per month
At this tier, we'll research and record an episode of The Damn Woods Confidential on the conspiracy topic of your choosing.
  • Even if it's not a real conspiracy.
  • Limit 1 episode per year.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
The "Tony Sinclair Memorial Tier"
$100 or more per month
RIP, Tony. At this tier, we will buy a fifth of liquor (your choice, within reason) and record a backers-only podcast whilst shitty drunk.
  • Weed is legal here so that's an option.
  • Maximum 1 intoxicated ep per month.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
Benefactor of the Damn Woods Fund for Orphans
$200 or more per month
Same as the "Tony Sinclair Memorial Tier" except you get to choose the drunk podcast topic.
 
  • Within reason you monsters, use our current content as a guideline here.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
$500 or more per month
If you're this loaded, okay, fine, we'll record ourselves reading some Dostoevsky.
  • Only one chapter though.
  • Includes all previous tiers.
Real Shadow Master Hours
$2,500 or more per month
If you are this rich and this interested, we will arrange to fly your Saudi prince ass up to participate in a recording session.
  • Must be in the US and flexible for scheduling, tickets to Alaska aren't cheap.
  • Includes all previous tiers.